Author: Jeffrey McMahon

  • When Dinner Becomes a Competitive Sport

    When Dinner Becomes a Competitive Sport

    Last night I took my family to the wildly popular Din Tai Fung at Del Amo Fashion Center. The restaurant is so sought after that reservations are practically mandatory. We arrived at 5:15, where the hostess handed me one of those vibrating plastic squares whose sole purpose is to inform you that civilization has deemed you worthy of a table.

    The place hummed with confidence.

    While countless restaurants sit half-empty, echoing like abandoned aircraft hangars, Din Tai Fung radiates the quiet swagger of a business that knows people will happily wait an hour for dumplings. Crowds are persuasive. We instinctively trust a line.

    Let me say at the outset that I have nothing but respect for the restaurant. The food was fresh, the service polished, and the operation impressively efficient.

    I probably won’t return.

    The restaurant isn’t the problem.

    We are.

    More specifically, our method of eating.

    The pilgrimage began a month ago when my teenage daughter announced that we had to go. I immediately suspected the true maître d’ behind this reservation.

    TikTok.

    She already had the menu mapped out on her phone like General Patton preparing the invasion of Sicily. We surrendered command without resistance.

    Soon the table filled with cucumber salad, soy noodle salad, chicken dumplings, spicy chicken wontons, garlic string beans, sesame noodles, and spicy noodles.

    Then came dessert.

    Naturally, dessert wasn’t merely consumed.

    It was documented.

    My daughter carefully filmed her chocolate-and-mochi xiao long bao with sea salt cream, followed by a mountain of mango shaved ice, ensuring that posterity—and TikTok—would know she had participated in this important cultural event.

    The food was certainly good.

    But I never experienced the culinary epiphany I had been promised.

    Instead, I found myself eating an astonishing quantity of carbohydrates swimming through enough sauce to lubricate heavy machinery. Every dish seemed to plead for a dinner roll that never arrived. By the end of the meal I was pleasantly full but oddly unsatisfied, as though my body kept asking,

    “Where exactly was the protein?”

    The service, though gracious, occasionally drifted into theater.

    Our server—a delightful young woman—carefully demonstrated how to combine vinegar, soy sauce, and chili oil with the solemnity of a physicist unveiling the double helix. Her instructions were earnest and impeccably delivered.

    I couldn’t help wondering whether I was preparing dumplings or splitting the atom.

    Then came the part I liked least.

    Family-style dining.

    In theory, it is wonderful.

    Everyone samples everything.

    Conversation flows.

    The table becomes a communal celebration.

    In practice, our table resembled an Olympic qualifying event.

    Chopsticks lunged in every direction.

    Bowls crossed paths.

    Sauce migrated across plates, fingers, sleeves, and probably several neighboring ZIP codes. I found myself wishing I’d packed a HAZMAT suit.

    Adding to the chaos, my TikTok-inspired daughter attacked the shared dishes with the urgency of someone preparing for hibernation, leaving her twin sister, my wife, and me politely negotiating whatever remained.

    The meal became less about eating than about strategic timing.

    Should I grab another dumpling now?

    Will there still be string beans in thirty seconds?

    Has anyone actually tasted the sesame noodles, or have they already disappeared?

    After paying the bill, a staggering $200, and we finally arrived home, my wife quietly toasted herself a protein pancake, spread peanut butter on top, drizzled it with honey, and ate what amounted to her real dinner.

    Then she made an observation that explained the entire evening.

    “I never relax during shared meals,” she said. “It always feels like an eating competition, and I end up with the short end of the stick.”

    The moment she said it, I realized I felt exactly the same way.

    The problem wasn’t Din Tai Fung.

    The problem was our assumption that communal eating automatically creates communal joy.

    Sometimes it creates scarcity.

    Scarcity creates competition.

    Competition is not particularly relaxing.

    I’ve reached a simple conclusion.

    Next time, everyone orders their own entrée.

    Everyone eats at their own pace.

    Everyone leaves satisfied.

    Family-style dining remains a lovely idea. It promises abundance, togetherness, and the pleasure of sampling half the menu.

    Sometimes it delivers exactly that.

    Other times it turns dinner into a low-grade food draft where you’re calculating dumpling trajectories instead of enjoying your family’s company.

    When that happens, I can’t help asking myself a simple question.

    Why didn’t I just walk next door to Frida, order a platter of rib-eye tacos, sip a mango margarita, and let everyone else fight over the last dumpling?

  • Against the Inner Gollum

    Against the Inner Gollum

    One of the defining songs of my adolescence was Earth, Wind & Fire’s “Devotion.” Like Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On,” it is suffused with the exuberance and spiritual energy of Black Gospel. Listening to these songs hints at the transcendence many people seek in church: the paradox of finding yourself by losing yourself in a purpose greater than your own appetites. This is devotion in its richest sense—not self-expression but self-transcendence.

    That vision stands in stark contrast to the modern creed of radical individualism, which teaches that personal desire is its own moral authority. Under this doctrine, adulthood becomes an endless extension of adolescence, each new appetite demanding satisfaction, each boundary inviting transgression. We congratulate ourselves for “being authentic” while quietly cultivating our inner Gollum—small, ravenous, and consumed by the fantasy that the next indulgence will finally bring contentment. Instead, the result is often loneliness, nihilism, and despair.

    How we resist that inner Gollum, and what it means to devote ourselves to something larger than ourselves, lies at the heart of the human condition. Religion has traditionally answered those questions by directing us toward a pure heart, integrity, reverence, gratitude, and love—love of our Creator, for those who believe, and love of our fellow human beings. Whether one accepts its theological claims or not, religion insists that character is formed not by indulging every desire but by disciplining desire in service of a higher good. The promise that feeding our inner Gollum will make us happy has always been one of civilization’s most seductive—and most enduring—lies.

    The more difficult question concerns the source of that higher good. Does authentic devotion require submission to an orthodox religious tradition, or can spirituality detached from doctrine cultivate the same moral depth? Are we mistaking recreational spirituality for genuine devotion? Is morality grounded in divine command, or does it emerge through human evolution and social cooperation—what atheist philosopher Elizabeth Anderson calls “reciprocal claim making,” the process by which societies negotiate mutual obligations and gradually construct moral authority?

    No figure looms larger over that debate than Jesus. Whatever one’s theological commitments, his rhetorical originality and moral imagination have made him one of history’s most enduring voices on the nature of goodness. Nearly two thousand years later, we remain captivated by his life, teachings, and identity. That continuing fascination lies at the center of Adam Gopnik’s essay “We’re Still Not Done With Jesus,” which examines one of the great questions of biblical scholarship: Are the Gospels fundamentally historical memories of an extraordinary teacher, or are they literary creations shaped by the conventions and mythic imagination of the Greco-Roman world?

    Adam Gopnik observes that the Gospels are not books written by someone so much as stories told to someone. In discussing Elaine Pagels’ Miracles and Wonder, he places her within the tradition of historical Jesus scholarship, which treats the Gospels not as straightforward biographies but as “palimpsests of lore, legend, and propaganda.” I encountered a similar sensibility in Emmanuel Carrère’s genre-defying The Kingdom, where history, memory, faith, and literary imagination continually overlap. From this perspective, narratives such as the Virgin Birth are understood less as eyewitness reports than as adaptations of familiar Greek and Hellenistic literary motifs.

    Gopnik extends this argument to the Passion and Resurrection. He notes that visions of the risen Jesus resemble what psychologists today might describe as bereavement experiences. The disciples believed they had encountered their crucified teacher after his death, while Paul, who never met Jesus during his lifetime, grounded his apostleship in explicitly visionary encounters. For Gopnik, these experiences need not be dismissed as fraudulent; rather, they belong to recognizable patterns of religious experience that recur throughout history.

    Nor, Gopnik argues, were the Gospel writers simple village storytellers faithfully recording local memories. Drawing on Robyn Faith Walsh’s The Origins of Early Christian Literature, he portrays them as educated authors who belonged to “a small, erudite upper crust.” Their writings reveal literary sophistication, weaving together a rich latticework of Greek rhetorical forms, biblical allusions, and inherited traditions. As Gopnik memorably puts it, “Their writings bear all the marks of that sharp-elbowed circle and none of the gentle gatherings of group memory.”

    Within this literary world, Jesus emerges alongside familiar Hellenistic figures—magi, sages, miracle workers, and wise tricksters. Walsh observes that many of these protagonists defeat their opponents through clever repartee, aphorisms, and parables. Gopnik is not arguing that Jesus is simply another fictional hero. Rather, he suggests that the evangelists employed literary conventions already familiar to their audiences in order to elevate Jesus into a figure of universal significance.

    To illustrate the point, Gopnik offers an unexpected comparison. Spike Lee’s Malcolm X, he argues, mythologizes Malcolm in much the same way that the Gospel of Mark mythologizes Jesus. Both works transform historical figures into larger-than-life moral symbols by drawing upon established literary traditions. Mythmaking, in this sense, is not necessarily deception; it is one of humanity’s oldest methods of expressing truth.

    Neither Gopnik nor Pagels reduces Christianity to a cynical fabrication dressed in Greek clothing. On the contrary, both regard it as one of civilization’s greatest imaginative syntheses. Christianity fused Jewish expectation, Greek literary culture, Roman history, and profound moral insight into a vision that continues to resist simple explanation.

    At the heart of that synthesis lies a startling reversal of ordinary assumptions about power. Paul declares, “When I am weak, then I am strong.” The Christian ideal does not glorify domination but humility, sacrifice, service, and love. To embrace weakness voluntarily, to endure insults and suffering while loving one’s enemies, represented, as Gopnik observes, “a way of thinking about power and suffering with little precedent in the ancient world.”

    That inversion has always appeared absurd. Indeed, its apparent absurdity became one of Christianity’s greatest philosophical attractions. Søren Kierkegaard famously argued that faith requires a leap beyond the limits of reason. Gopnik, however, remains skeptical of this move, joking that Kierkegaard’s understanding of faith comes perilously close to George Costanza’s comic principle that something cannot really be true unless it seems impossible to believe.

    Where Gopnik expresses his deepest reservations is over the doctrine of substitutionary atonement—the claim that God’s justice required the sacrificial death of Christ before humanity could be reconciled to Him. He recalls literary critic William Empson’s horror at “a cosmos ruled by an irrational deity whose rage toward humanity can be placated only by his son’s torture and death.” In contemporary Christianity, Gopnik observes, many believers quietly emphasize Jesus’ teachings on compassion, forgiveness, and service while giving comparatively little attention to doctrines such as eternal damnation or substitutionary atonement.

    More literal forms of Christianity, Gopnik suggests, often arise from a longing for certainty in a world defined by ambiguity and historical change. Humanism offers no final authority; it evolves, stumbles, corrects itself, and remains vulnerable to human weakness. Religion promises something different: an authoritative moral order anchored beyond history. Yet, Gopnik argues, every human authority eventually disappoints, producing an endless cycle of certainty, doubt, reform, and renewed certainty.

    Even so, he concludes that Christianity cannot simply be dismissed. The human hunger for love, moral purpose, and certainty has ensured its enduring power. Those who reject its theological claims would do well to understand why millions continue to find within it a compelling account of what it means to be human.

    Perhaps those who cannot embrace Christianity will seek devotion elsewhere—in another religious tradition, in Viktor Frankl’s search for meaning, or in Steven Pressfield’s conviction that disciplined artistic creation is itself an act of service to humanity.

    Whatever path one chooses, one conclusion seems difficult to escape.

    Living for your inner Gollum is not enough.

    Human beings require devotion to something greater than themselves.

  • Every Watch Collector Dreams of Losing His Collection

    Every Watch Collector Dreams of Losing His Collection

    I’ve been obsessing over watches for more than twenty years. During that time I’ve come to know hundreds of fellow obsessives, and I’ve learned that we all suffer from the same peculiar affliction.

    Many of us eventually assemble collections that should, by any reasonable standard, satisfy us. Mine certainly should. I own watches I genuinely love and wear regularly. The hunt is largely over.

    Or so it would seem.

    Because every serious collector eventually asks the same deliciously irrational question.

    What if I had to start over?

    Suppose I came home from work and discovered that an earthquake, a burglary, or perhaps the Rapture had removed every watch from my collection. My watch box sat open like an abandoned nest.

    Tabula rasa.

    Nothing remained.

    What would I buy first?

    Among watch enthusiasts, this thought experiment produces an excitement that borders on religious ecstasy. It is Dorothy taking her first step onto the Yellow Brick Road. The adventure begins anew.

    The appeal isn’t difficult to explain.

    You would have the opportunity to lose your mind all over again.

    You could experience, for a second time, the exquisite madness of becoming a watch collector.

    When you were young in the hobby, you complained endlessly about the obsession. The endless research. The sleepless nights. The compulsive buying and selling. The dopamine dripping from every incoming package and every outgoing shipment.

    You called it addiction.

    You called it insanity.

    You swore that one day you would finally reach contentment.

    Then contentment arrived.

    And quietly, almost shamefully, you began missing the insanity.

    The seasoned collector sometimes resembles Neddy Merrill in John Cheever’s “The Swimmer.” Like Neddy, he imagines himself younger than he really is, setting out once more on an impossible journey, convinced that somewhere ahead waits the exhilaration of youth. Not because youth was wiser—it certainly wasn’t—but because everything still shimmered with possibility.

    That is what the empty watch box promises.

    Possibility.

    So what would I do if fate forced me to begin again?

    I’d like to think experience has made me wiser.

    I’d probably abandon mechanical watches altogether. I’d pursue precision instead of romance.

    Every watch would be solar-powered.

    Every watch would synchronize itself through atomic radio signals or GPS satellites.

    No winding.

    No battery changes.

    No time drift.

    Just effortless perfection beneath the endless Southern California sun.

    The collection might include several digital G-Shocks, unquestionably a Frogman, a couple of Citizen Promasters, one or two Citizen Attesas, and perhaps a pair of Seiko Astrons.

    On paper, it sounds almost ideal.

    Until I imagine living with it.

    Then the doubts begin.

    I’d miss my Seiko mechanical divers.

    I’d miss my quartz Tuna.

    I’d miss the gentle sweep of a mechanical seconds hand doing absolutely nothing more accurately than a quartz movement while somehow feeling infinitely more alive.

    Before long, I’d find myself rebuilding almost exactly the collection I own today.

    That’s when the embarrassing truth becomes impossible to ignore.

    The exercise was never about watches.

    It was about the rabbit hole.

    Collectors often imagine they’re addicted to acquiring things.

    I don’t think that’s quite right.

    We’re addicted to anticipation.

    To research.

    To comparison charts.

    To late-night YouTube reviews.

    To convincing ourselves that the next purchase will finally resolve the argument raging inside our heads.

    The object merely gives the obsession somewhere to land.

    Take away the watches, and we’d simply begin manufacturing another fantasy.

    The empty watch box isn’t appealing because it contains nothing.

    It’s appealing because it gives us permission to become beautifully irrational one more time.

    That is the secret longing of the seasoned collector.

    Not another watch.

    Another chance to go gloriously, ecstatically, and completely mad.

  • A Hundred Calories, Elaine Pagels, and Dvořák

    A Hundred Calories, Elaine Pagels, and Dvořák

    Yesterday I came within one hundred calories of eating only three meals.

    Around 7:30 in the evening, I made my daughter a bowl of oatmeal with protein powder, sliced peaches, banana, and vanilla unsweetened soy milk. She lost interest before she finished. Three lonely tablespoons remained in the bowl.

    As I carried it to the sink, a familiar voice appeared.

    “Don’t let perfectly good food go to waste.”

    Naturally, I obeyed.

    I polished off the leftovers before rinsing the bowl, thereby adding roughly one hundred unnecessary calories to my day under the noble banner of environmental stewardship.

    It’s remarkable how virtue always volunteers to represent appetite in court.

    Oddly enough, I didn’t feel especially guilty. One hundred calories is hardly the nutritional equivalent of robbing a bank.

    Later that evening, while my wife visited with friends, I watched Perfect Days. It is one of those rare films that quietly restores your faith in ordinary goodness. Its protagonist cleans public toilets with such humility and grace that he makes most ambitious people seem spiritually impoverished.

    The film’s generous silences reminded me of La Strada. Both movies revolve around souls so guileless they expose the vulgarity of everyone around them. As I watched Perfect Days, I kept thinking, This has the same moral weather as La Strada.

    Yesterday also taught me three lessons.

    The first concerns hunger.

    Going five or six hours between lunch and dinner is uncomfortable.

    That’s all.

    It isn’t torture.

    It isn’t a crisis.

    It isn’t an emergency requiring immediate intervention by almonds, protein bars, or peanut butter.

    It’s simply a mild inconvenience.

    Seeing it stripped of melodrama made me realize something about myself. If I insist on pampering every small discomfort, I’ll never accomplish anything worthwhile. I have no trouble punishing myself on the Airdyne or during a hard kettlebell workout. Physical exertion doesn’t intimidate me.

    Resisting the urge to snack?

    That turns out to be the harder discipline.

    And that’s precisely why I need to practice it.

    The goal is straightforward: 230 pounds down to 210.

    No heroics.

    Just consistency.

    The second lesson concerned reading.

    Or rather, the uncomfortable realization that I haven’t really been reading.

    Twice I “read” Elaine Pagels’ Why Religion? on my Kindle.

    Now I’m listening to the audiobook.

    The difference is almost embarrassing.

    The audiobook has revealed a memoir that is moving, intellectually rich, and deeply humane. I feel as though I’m absorbing ten times more than I ever did with the Kindle. My earlier readings now strike me less as acts of reading than as acts of turning pages while my mind wandered off to inspect some unrelated shiny object.

    Apparently my eyes were reading.

    My brain had clocked out.

    The only way I genuinely read on a Kindle is as a form of critical study. I sit at my desktop with the Kindle open on one monitor and Google Docs on the other. I take notes, write commentary, formulate questions, and argue with the author. That’s reading.

    Collapsing into bed with a Kindle at night turns out to be something else entirely.

    I’m beginning to suspect that bedtime belongs to printed books or audiobooks, while the Kindle belongs at my desk, where it can be interrogated rather than merely glanced at.

    Ironically, as I write this, another possibility occurs to me. Perhaps a split-screen setup on my laptop—with the Kindle on one side and Google Docs on the other—would recreate that same active engagement away from my desktop.

    That idea sounds far better now than it did five minutes ago.

    The third lesson came courtesy of Dvořák.

    Ever since buying a Marshall Stanmore III for the bedroom, I’ve fallen even more deeply in love with classical music. Last night I typed Dvořák’s name into the SiriusXM search bar, and the app rewarded me with an endless procession of Eastern European composers.

    The sound pouring out of that speaker is breathtaking.

    Rich.

    Warm.

    Expansive.

    The music doesn’t merely occupy the room.

    It ennobles it.

    In fact, it may be sabotaging my Kindle reading. Faced with music that beautiful, why would I pay attention to the printed page? The orchestra wins every time.

    Then bedtime arrives.

    I reach for the power button.

    And a strange thought enters my mind.

    Turning off music this beautiful feels almost morally questionable.

    Surely another symphony wouldn’t hurt.

    Perhaps just one more movement.

    This is, I admit, the most luxurious problem I’ve ever had.

    I won’t lose sleep over it.

    If my greatest dilemma is choosing between Dvořák and Elaine Pagels before bed, I have wandered into the safest corner of the First World.

  • My Diet Revolution Will Not be Livestreamed

    My Diet Revolution Will Not be Livestreamed

    Today marks my first day of abandoning snacks and eating only three meals.

    I’m already making minor adjustments. I think I’ll add a couple of eggs to lunch to help carry me through the long stretch between 11:30 and 5:00. After dinner, I’ll finish with a small crystal bowl of Greek yogurt, berries, and a drizzle of honey—not as a fourth meal, but as a civilized period at the end of the sentence. It softens the psychological blow of eliminating my beloved post-nap yogurt-and-protein-powder ritual without turning dessert into another calorie ambush.

    As I write this, about four and a half hours after lunch, I won’t pretend it’s effortless.

    I notice the absence of the snack.

    My stomach notices it.

    My brain notices it even more.

    It keeps floating little suggestions.

    “You know, one handful of almonds wouldn’t count.”

    “A spoonful of peanut butter is practically medicine.”

    “Surely Greek yogurt exists outside the jurisdiction of snacks.”

    My appetite has hired an exceptionally creative attorney.

    But the discomfort is remarkably ordinary.

    I’m not suffering.

    I’m not wandering the Sahara with cracked lips and hallucinations.

    I’m simply a little hungry.

    If tolerating that mild inconvenience helps me lose twenty pounds, it strikes me as an excellent bargain.

    The larger lesson has nothing to do with nutrition.

    It’s about refusing to become a baby.

    Modern life encourages us to interpret every minor discomfort as an emergency requiring immediate relief. Hungry? Eat. Bored? Snack. Tired? Caffeinate. Restless? Scroll. We have become connoisseurs of eliminating even the slightest irritation before it has a chance to teach us anything.

    Perhaps that’s why ordinary self-discipline now gets marketed as though it were a heroic expedition.

    Someone skips dessert for three days and suddenly there’s a podcast, a YouTube channel, and a line of merchandise celebrating their “journey.”

    I have no interest in becoming that guy.

    You will not see me posting a dramatic video titled How I Defeated Hunger and Reclaimed My Life.

    There will be no livestream documenting my courageous decision to survive the dangerous interval between lunch and dinner.

    No inspirational soundtrack.

    No slow-motion footage.

    No sermon about embracing pain.

    Because there is no pain.

    There is only structure.

    There is only routine.

    There is only a modest reduction in calories.

    Sometimes common sense is refreshingly unglamorous. It doesn’t require a manifesto, a support group, or a motivational speech. It merely asks us to tolerate a small amount of discomfort in exchange for a much larger reward.

    That hardly qualifies as heroism.

    It’s just growing up.

  • The Watches Were Never the Addiction–It Was the Rabbit Holes

    The Watches Were Never the Addiction–It Was the Rabbit Holes

    Over the past twenty years, I’ve learned that I love watches a little too much.

    Not because I own too many.

    Because I expected too much from them.

    I made two mistakes. First, I convinced myself that the next watch would somehow complete me, that a particular dial, bezel, or movement would usher me into a higher state of existence. Second, I became addicted to flipping watches—not because I disliked them, but because every purchase, every sale, every unboxing delivered another hit of dopamine and another round of approval from fellow enthusiasts online.

    The watches became secondary.

    The chase became the hobby.

    Fortunately, my collection has settled into something resembling adulthood. I own five Seiko divers and five G-Shocks. After falling under the spell of G-Shock’s atomic precision—watches so obsessively punctual they correct themselves while I sleep—I have found myself drifting back toward my mechanical Seikos with fresh appreciation. As I write this, I’m wearing my Seiko SBDC203 Coastline Diver on a Divecore Waffle strap, watching its blue wave dial catch the light with quiet confidence.

    Oddly enough, I have nothing on my wish list.

    That statement would have sounded impossible a few years ago.

    I still admire watches. I linger over Citizen Attesas, Seiko Astrons, and Grand Seikos. My favorite watch ever made remains the Seiko SLA017, but I suspect our relationship will remain safely one-sided. I’ll admire it from afar on YouTube, where it can continue living its best life without emptying my wallet.

    That realization has spilled into other corners of my life.

    Once you discover that a watch cannot make you whole, you begin looking suspiciously at everything else trying to make the same promise.

    A forty-thousand-dollar Honda.

    A forty-thousand-dollar Toyota.

    A four-thousand-dollar luxury mattress.

    Consumer culture speaks with remarkable consistency.

    “Buy me,” it whispers. “Your new life begins here.”

    No, it doesn’t.

    At best, your new life begins with a slightly nicer object.

    The harder truth is that the improvements I actually want cannot be purchased.

    I want to become healthier.

    I want to lose twenty pounds.

    I want more discipline.

    I want to be fully present for my wife and daughters.

    I want to become the kind of man whose character quietly exceeds his possessions.

    No watch accomplishes that.

    No car does.

    No mattress does.

    The real danger isn’t believing that buying something will make me happy.

    That illusion is almost too obvious.

    The greater danger is subtler.

    It’s the research.

    I can disappear for hours into consumer rabbit holes with the enthusiasm of an archaeologist uncovering a lost civilization. I compare specifications, memorize model numbers, watch endless YouTube reviews, read forum debates, and convince myself that this painstaking investigation is somehow productive.

    It isn’t.

    It’s beautifully disguised procrastination.

    The internet has become a casino where information replaces slot machines. Every click offers the possibility that the next review, the next comparison, the next expert opinion will reveal the perfect purchase. Hours disappear without resistance.

    The acquisition isn’t the addiction.

    The pursuit is.

    That’s the part that frightens me.

    I have an obsessive personality. Obsession can be useful when it is harnessed toward writing, teaching, or improving my health. Left unattended, however, it happily attaches itself to titanium watch cases, mattress coil counts, automobile trim packages, fountain pens, headphones, or whatever shiny object wanders into view.

    Obsession doesn’t particularly care about the subject.

    It simply wants something to consume.

    Going forward, I want to become more suspicious of that impulse.

    Not because curiosity is bad.

    Curiosity is wonderful.

    But there is a profound difference between curiosity that enlarges your life and curiosity that distracts you from it.

    I want to spend fewer afternoons researching products and more afternoons becoming the kind of man who no longer needs them to feel complete.

    The irony is almost embarrassing.

    For years I believed I was searching for the perfect watch.

    What I was really searching for was the discipline to stop searching.

    ***

    For my fellow watch addicts, here is the link to my book The Man Who Lost His Mind to Watches:

  • How I Saved Four Thousand Dollars by Skipping a Bowl of Yogurt

    How I Saved Four Thousand Dollars by Skipping a Bowl of Yogurt

    The first title best captures the essay’s central revelation: the story begins as consumer advice but ends as a confession about misplaced hope.

    My Aireloom mattress is thirteen years old. It still looks as though it came off the showroom floor yesterday. I paid about $2,200 for it back in 2013. It’s a medium hybrid, a compromise I made because side sleepers are forever warned against firm mattresses. The compromise never quite worked. The bed always struck me as too soft, too marshmallow-like, lacking the taut resilience I prefer. Still, I gave myself a lecture every time the thought of replacing it surfaced.

    Don’t be the princess forever searching for the pea. Sleep on the bed you have and get on with your life.

    For more than a decade, that pep talk held.

    Then, last week, the fever returned.

    Thirteen years sounded ancient. Surely I had earned a new mattress. After all, I had just paid off my mortgage. If there were ever a time to reward myself, this was it. Before long I had disappeared into the rabbit hole known as mattress technology, where every manufacturer promises salvation through proprietary coils, artisanal horsehair, glacier-infused foam, or some other miracle unavailable to ordinary mortals.

    I quickly dismissed the overstuffed pillow-top monstrosities. They looked less like mattresses than wedding cakes. I wanted something firm, springy, disciplined—a mattress with posture. After hours of research, I proudly narrowed the field to three finalists: Aireloom, Stearns & Foster Estate, and Beautyrest Black.

    Like an explorer hacking through the jungle with a machete, I congratulated myself on having separated civilization from chaos.

    The excitement wasn’t really about the mattress.

    It was about rebirth.

    A new bed would usher in a new chapter. Better sleep. Better mornings. Better health. Better life.

    Then I mentioned all this to my wife.

    “What do you think?” I asked. “Should we replace it?”

    She shrugged.

    “Our bed still looks brand new.”

    She was right.

    Neither of us had noticed any sagging. No body impressions. No mysterious valleys swallowing us during the night. The mattress had aged with remarkable dignity. Throwing it away would feel less like an upgrade than an act of perfectly good consumer vandalism.

    That conversation forced an uncomfortable realization.

    If I was looking for rebirth, I wasn’t going to find it in a mattress showroom.

    I was going to have to earn it.

    The problem wasn’t beneath me.

    The problem was on top of the mattress.

    Me.

    At 231 pounds, my sleep apnea becomes noticeably worse. My hips absorb the punishment every night as I sleep on my side. At 210 pounds, everything changes. My apnea drops to tolerable levels. My hips complain less. I wake with more energy, more discipline, more confidence. I feel like the man I keep trying to become.

    The mattress hasn’t changed.

    My body has.

    This isn’t a bed problem.

    It’s a food problem.

    If I launched into the psychology of my relationship with food, you’d be condemned to yet another memoir about emotional eating. We already own an entire library of those books. They all tell roughly the same story: we soothe ourselves with food, reward ourselves with food, celebrate with food, grieve with food, and occasionally mistake food for unconditional love.

    I have no groundbreaking theory to contribute.

    Here’s my autobiography in three words:

    I overeat.

    That’s it.

    I snack too much.

    I’m carrying twenty unnecessary pounds.

    So my latest campaign is almost embarrassingly modest. I’m eliminating my afternoon yogurt bowl—the one loaded with Greek yogurt, protein powder, and berries. Instead of eating four times a day, I’ll eat three.

    To soften the psychological blow, I’ll add a couple spoonfuls of Greek yogurt to my morning oatmeal. Lunch and dinner remain unchanged: protein, vegetables, and a sensible serving of rice or sweet potatoes.

    By my estimate, that should lower my daily intake from something approaching 2,900 calories to roughly 2,400.

    Whether my body cooperates is another matter.

    My metabolism possesses the cunning of an experienced labor negotiator. It has an extraordinary talent for reclaiming every calorie I attempt to eliminate. My unconscious mind may simply enlarge my lunch and dinner portions until I find myself back at 2,900 calories while congratulating myself on my “three-meal plan.”

    If that happens, I won’t invent excuses.

    I already know many of my vulnerabilities.

    Family vacations to Miami, Maui, or Coronado have an uncanny way of becoming weeklong festivals of excess. Every meal transforms into a celebration. Every dessert becomes mandatory because we’re making memories. Before long, memory has acquired another five pounds.

    If moderating carbohydrates proves impossible, I have another option.

    I’ve watched friends thrive on a meat-heavy diet.

    Breakfast is black coffee and electrolyte water.

    Lunch is ground beef or turkey bacon with eggs.

    Dinner is salmon or sirloin with salad.

    The simplicity has undeniable appeal. Protein suppresses my appetite better than oatmeal ever could.

    The problem is that I don’t particularly enjoy living that way.

    After several days, handling raw meat and smelling rendered fat throughout the house begins to repel me. I admire the diet more than I want to live inside it.

    Then comes the pharmaceutical path.

    For now, I have no interest in GLP-1 drugs.

    Perhaps history will prove them miraculous. Perhaps five years from now I’ll wonder why I resisted them. But at this stage I remain wary. Reports of pancreatitis, muscle loss, gastrointestinal complications, and other side effects make me feel as though we’re still watching the largest medical field trial in history unfold in real time.

    So I choose caution.

    I’ll begin with the oldest technology available.

    Eat a little less.

    See what happens.

    If nothing changes, I’ll reassess.

    And in the meantime, I have postponed spending three or four thousand dollars on a new mattress.

    Perhaps for another three years.

    The irony is difficult to miss. I nearly convinced myself that salvation lay hidden beneath layers of handcrafted latex, luxury coils, and cashmere ticking, when all along it was waiting in the space between lunch and dinner.

    The mattress was never asking to be replaced.

    Only its owner was.

  • Chasing Nirvana on the Misery Machine

    Chasing Nirvana on the Misery Machine

    For the past three years, I have climbed aboard the Schwinn Airdyne AD7—better known in my household as the Misery Machine—two or three times a week for fifty to sixty minutes. It complements my three weekly kettlebell workouts by providing just enough suffering to convince me that my life choices deserve constant reevaluation. On a typical ride I burn between 600 and 750 calories. About once a month I have a monster workout that sails past 800 calories. About once a month I have the opposite experience, when my body feels as though it has been poured full of wet concrete and refuses every command I issue. On those days I wave the white flag around the 500-calorie mark.

    The workouts embody the old saying, “It hurts so good,” though that cliché hardly captures what actually happens. On my best days, the ride unfolds in two distinct psychological stages that I have come to call Nirvana I and Nirvana II.

    Nirvana I usually arrives around the 400-calorie mark, roughly thirty to thirty-three minutes into the workout. By then my shirt has surrendered completely to perspiration. Sweat drips from my elbows, pools beneath the bike, and convinces any reasonable observer that the plumbing has failed. My breathing settles into a steady rhythm, the static disappears from my mind, and I feel as though I have been lowered into a warm bath of endorphins. The outside world recedes. My obligations disappear. There is only the machine and me. About eighty percent of my workouts reach this stage.

    Nirvana II is another matter entirely.

    It cannot be scheduled, negotiated, or bullied into existence. It appears only on those rare mornings when physiology, mood, sleep, and providence decide to cooperate. I continue sweating rivers, but fatigue never quite catches me. My cadence remains smooth. My breathing stays controlled. Instead of counting down the remaining minutes, I begin believing absurd things.

    “I’m unstoppable.”

    The Misery Machine no longer owns me.

    I own it.

    The fan roars. My legs keep driving. Every revolution of the pedals reinforces the illusion that I have temporarily escaped the ordinary laws of aging and entropy. For twenty glorious minutes I become convinced I could ride forever. Nirvana II is the Holy Grail of my fitness life. It is the workout equivalent of pitching a perfect game.

    Unfortunately, every heaven has its corresponding hell.

    I call it Shut Down.

    Unlike Nirvana, Shut Down announces itself almost immediately. Within the first fifteen minutes I can tell something is wrong. My breathing becomes shallow. My legs feel leaden. The usual RPMs suddenly resemble Olympic qualifying standards. Every minute feels borrowed.

    Years of yoga have taught me not to argue with these days.

    When Shut Down arrives, resistance is futile. I simply acknowledge reality.

    “Today is not my day.”

    I lower the intensity, keep pedaling, and allow my body to dictate the terms of surrender. Most Shut Down workouts end around forty minutes and 450 calories. They leave me discouraged, though experience has taught me not to overreact. Ninety-nine percent of the time the next workout restores me to normal, as though my body merely needed to remind me who actually runs the operation.

    Oddly enough, the existence of Nirvana II is what keeps drawing me back.

    Every workout carries the possibility of discovering that elusive state again. It is exercise’s version of Christmas morning. Will today be the day? Will I feel invincible? Will I conquer the Misery Machine instead of merely surviving it?

    I never know.

    That uncertainty is precisely what makes me keep climbing back aboard.

  • The Wrinkled Prune

    The Wrinkled Prune

    In 1989, I became infatuated with a Pennsylvania band called The Ocean Blue, especially their haunting song “Drifting, Falling.” Naturally, I needed the CD. For reasons that now escape me, I decided to buy it at one of the strangest retail establishments I have ever entered: a Northern California gift shop called The Wrinkled Prune.

    How do I describe The Wrinkled Prune?

    It would be easier to describe what it didn’t sell.

    The store trafficked in novelty candies, decorative soaps, greeting cards, party supplies, imported chocolates, whimsical knickknacks, coffee mugs with forgettable slogans, scented candles, stuffed animals, and dozens of miscellaneous objects whose sole purpose seemed to be occupying shelf space until someone bought them out of mild confusion.

    But merchandise wasn’t the real mystery.

    The real mystery was this:

    Why did The Wrinkled Prune exist?

    And why on earth would anyone give a store that name?

    The answer begins with the owner.

    I attended high school with him. I’ll call him T. He drifted around the popular crowd, but never as one of its genuine members. He functioned more like its court jester—the lovable mascot whose chief social responsibility was to laugh at himself before everyone else could. Slightly overweight and perpetually goofy, T possessed a remarkable gift for turning his own awkwardness into entertainment. Whenever something struck him as funny—which was often—he erupted into volcanic laughter. His entire body convulsed. His fists clenched. He bounced on the balls of his feet while his thick black hair flopped wildly in every direction like a malfunctioning wind-up toy.

    Most people recoil from ridicule.

    T converted it into currency.

    After graduation, however, he seemed directionless. His father, a successful businessman, apparently decided that if purpose wouldn’t find his son, perhaps purpose could be purchased. So he bought T a gift shop.

    One afternoon I wandered inside. T stood behind the counter surrounded by several employees—all attractive young women in their late teens. I couldn’t help imagining the father’s reasoning. Maybe ownership would transform his son into a businessman. Maybe responsibility would attract confidence. Maybe confidence would attract a girlfriend. Parents have financed stranger dreams.

    In retrospect, The Wrinkled Prune felt like high school extended by other means.

    The name itself was a form of self-parody. A prune occupies an unfortunate place in the cultural imagination. It conjures wrinkles, old age, constipation, nursing homes, and the slow betrayal of the human body. Throughout adolescence T had made himself the punchline. Why stop now? Why not build an entire business around the joke?

    Unfortunately, self-awareness is not a business model.

    The Wrinkled Prune hemorrhaged money. Within a year it vanished, leaving behind little more than an unforgettable name and my copy of The Ocean Blue. I don’t know what became of T. He always struck me as fundamentally decent—a man less interested in success than in being liked. I hope life eventually showed him more kindness than high school had.

    But I have never forgotten that store.

    In fact, I think nearly all of us carry around some version of The Wrinkled Prune.

    What I’m describing is the vanity project: an enterprise undertaken less because the world needs it than because its creator needs the world to notice it. It is a monument to the self disguised as a public service. In the pre-digital age, vanity projects usually belonged to the wealthy. A millionaire financed an independent film no one watched, published an autobiography no one requested, endowed a museum wing bearing his name, or commissioned an oversized oil portrait in which he appeared to possess the moral gravity of Abraham Lincoln. Vanity required substantial capital.

    Today, vanity has been democratized. For the price of a webcam, microphone, and broadband connection, anyone can launch a podcast, livestream for six hours to an audience of twelve, or begin every video with the solemn declaration, “People have been asking me…” when no such people exist. The internet has transformed vanity from a luxury reserved for aristocrats into a subscription service available to anyone with Wi-Fi. Fortunately, not every podcast, YouTube channel, or livestream is a vanity project. Some genuinely educate, entertain, or enrich public life. The defining question is not whether anyone is watching, but whether the creator would continue producing the work if no one were.

    The desire beneath all this is perfectly human. We want to matter. We want to belong. We want to participate in the conversation instead of watching it through the window. But the digital age has turned belonging into branding. We are encouraged to cultivate audiences instead of friendships, niches instead of curiosities, and identities narrow enough for algorithms to categorize. We are constantly reminded to “find our lane,” as though a human being should resemble a freeway exit.

    I am hardly exempt.

    For fifteen years I maintained a YouTube channel devoted primarily to watches. On its best days, it attracted thousands of viewers. Yet over time I noticed an uncomfortable truth: every new video fueled the very obsession I claimed to be examining. At sixty-four, I have reached the stage of life where accumulation should be giving way to simplification. Instead, the algorithm quietly whispered, “Buy another watch. Make another video.”

    Occasionally I wandered away from watches and made videos about other subjects that interested me.

    The algorithm responded with majestic indifference.

    Business was slow.

    No one wandered into The Wrinkled Prune.

    That lesson was difficult but valuable. Unless you possess genuine expertise or offer something distinctive, a channel devoted to miscellaneous fascinations resembles a gift shop selling decorative soaps, imported candy, birthday balloons, and novelty coffee mugs under one bewildering roof. You are not building an audience. You are stocking shelves. Your vanity insists that the world needs one more opinion. The world politely walks past your front window.

    Eventually, The Wrinkled Prune closes.

    Does this mean we should silence ourselves? Stop writing? Abandon every attempt to contribute?

    Not at all.

    Life unfolds in seasons. There are years when your voice resonates widely and years when almost no one hears it. Neither condition should define your worth. During quieter seasons, remain curious. Read deeply. Listen carefully. Accumulate wisdom rather than followers. If, in time, you discover something genuinely worth saying that improves another person’s life, speak. If not, there is dignity in remaining silent.

    Just don’t open The Wrinkled Prune.

  • Sleeping with the Enemy: My Twelve-Year War with a Hybrid Mattress

    Sleeping with the Enemy: My Twelve-Year War with a Hybrid Mattress

    Twelve years ago, I spent about $2,500 on a California king hybrid mattress. Choosing the firmness felt less like shopping and more like negotiating a peace treaty between two warring factions of my anatomy. My heart wanted extra firm. My hips, burdened by the indignity of side sleeping, demanded something more forgiving. Conventional wisdom insisted that side sleepers need cushioning, but too much softness has always struck me as a design flaw masquerading as luxury. A plush mattress feels like a bed that has already lived a long, difficult life before arriving in your bedroom. Firmness, by contrast, exudes confidence. It says, “I’ve got you.” Plush whispers, “Good luck.”

    So I compromised and bought a medium-firm hybrid. It was the sensible decision. It was also, I suspect, the wrong one.

    I was never in love with the mattress. It relieved some pressure on my hips, but every night I found myself wishing I had ignored the sleep experts and trusted my instincts. Over the years, the compromise became a nightly ritual. Around one in the morning, I would abandon the bedroom and migrate to the living room.

    There, oddly enough, awaited my favorite bed.

    The couch itself deserves little credit. We bought it online six years ago because it looked handsome, not because it possessed any detectable concern for the human spine. It sits low, feels stiff, and offers about as much cushioning as a church pew. To make it habitable, I purchased a three-inch self-inflating camping mattress—a miraculous piece of engineering that silently inhales air without a pump and transforms an indifferent couch into something approaching civilization.

    My nightly arrangement has become embarrassingly elaborate. One pillow supports my head. Two more live beneath my knees whenever I rotate onto my back. A velvet blanket completes the ensemble. Together they create what I affectionately call my homeless encampment.

    My wife finds the nickname less amusing than I do.

    Whenever guests are coming over, she politely reminds me that respectable families generally do not display camping equipment in their living rooms. So I dismantle the encampment long enough to preserve the illusion that functional adults live here. Once our visitors leave, however, the mattress returns to its rightful place. As an added bonus, it triples the comfort of the couch for watching television.

    Fortunately, my wife doesn’t resent my nightly migration. If anything, it benefits both of us. I wake several times each night to visit the bathroom, while she sleeps lightly enough to awaken if a moth lands too aggressively on the windowsill. Sleeping in the living room allows me to use the guest bathroom and grants her several uninterrupted hours of sleep.

    I’ve discovered I’m hardly alone. My cousin does the same thing. So does my father-in-law.

    This raises an important scientific question.

    Is couch migration a uniquely male phenomenon?

    Perhaps our prehistoric ancestors developed the habit as a survival strategy. Maybe every few hours one caveman would quietly relocate to another corner of the cave to keep saber-toothed tigers from developing predictable dining habits. Somewhere an evolutionary psychologist is no doubt preparing a grant proposal entitled Nocturnal Male Couch Migration: An Adaptive Response to Pleistocene Predation. I wish that scholar the best of luck. I have more pressing concerns.

    Namely, buying another mattress.

    After twelve years, my hybrid has begun exhibiting the subtle symptoms of mattress middle age: faint depressions, a hint of fatigue, and support that now feels more nostalgic than structural.

    Buying a mattress was already maddening twelve years ago. Even then, the process resembled defending a doctoral dissertation in applied sleep science. You had to choose among innersprings, memory foam, latex, hybrids, pillow tops, Euro tops, plush, medium, firm, and the delightfully evasive category known as luxury firm—apparently invented for shoppers unwilling to admit they had absolutely no idea what they wanted.

    Today the situation has descended into magnificent absurdity.

    Modern mattress shopping requires fluency in pressure mapping, copper infusion, graphite cooling, zoned lumbar support, phase-change materials, edge reinforcement, biometric sleep tracking, AI-adjustable firmness, and enough proprietary foam technologies to qualify for military clearance. Every manufacturer assures you that its latest innovation has finally solved humanity’s oldest engineering challenge: lying down.

    By the time you’ve compared enough models, you’ve forgotten what sleep even feels like.

    Buying a bed now resembles selecting a spacecraft for a mission to Mars. All you wanted was eight peaceful hours. Instead, you’ve accidentally enrolled in graduate school.

    My strategy this time is refreshingly simple. I’ll buy a firm hybrid mattress and let a two-inch topper negotiate peace with my hips. The mattress will provide the confidence; the topper can handle diplomacy.

    That leaves only one obstacle: the mattress showroom.

    These retail stores exert a mysterious gravitational pull on commission salespeople whose weekly Costco runs apparently depend upon whether my hips achieve emotional closure on Mattress Number Seven. As I stretch out on one bed after another, I can almost hear them calculating mortgage payments from the angle of my shoulder.

    The alternative, of course, is ordering a mattress online.

    But buying a bed you’ve never tested strikes me as the consumer equivalent of accepting a mail-order bride. More often than not, the relationship ends with both parties discovering the true meaning of the word incompatibility.

    So I’ll brave the showroom.

    I’ll smile politely at the salespeople.

    I’ll pretend not to notice the desperation in their eyes.

    And I’ll wear long pants and socks.

    After watching thousands of strangers climb onto those mattresses in their bare feet, I refuse to expose my own. A man may lose his dignity to age, insomnia, and nocturnal couch migration, but there is no reason to surrender it barefoot in a mattress store.