Cinemorphosis

Tag: nutrition

  • Leanmaxxing and the New Fantasy of Frictionless Medicine

    Leanmaxxing and the New Fantasy of Frictionless Medicine

    As a boy watching Star Trek, I was transfixed by the Tricorder–that tidy slab of certainty doctors waved over a body the way a priest might wave incense over a mystery. No scalpels, no tubes, no anxious waiting rooms with their stale magazines and fluorescent despair. A quick scan, a soft chirp, and the problem surrendered. The body, usually so coy and uncooperative, became a readable document–its secrets itemized, its fate clarified. It was medicine without friction, diagnosis without drama. In that universe, ignorance lasted seconds.

    For decades, the Tricorder sat where all good fantasies sit: just out of reach, gleaming with impossible efficiency. But reality has a way of cheating. The future did not arrive as a handheld scanner; it arrived as chemistry–specifically, a class of drugs that seems to negotiate directly with the body’s most stubborn impulses. If the Tricorder promised instant knowledge, GLP-1 drugs promise something more unnerving: the quiet rewriting of appetite, metabolism, and behavior from the inside out.

    In her New York Times essay “The Great Ozempic Experiment,” Julia Belluz catalogs the early returns, and they read less like a drug profile than a wish list that forgot to edit itself. Yes, there’s weight loss–the headline act–but the understudies keep stealing the show: concussion recovery, addiction dampening, relief from menopause symptoms, long COVID, alopecia, inflammation, arthritis, IBS, anxiety, brain fog. The list grows with the confidence of a rumor that keeps being confirmed. By the time you finish reading, you suspect the drug might also fix your credit score.

    The catch, for now, is almost comically modest: nausea and paperwork. The body may revolt briefly; the insurance company may revolt permanently. Yet demand surges, fueled by users who report not just slimmer bodies but upgraded lives–better mood, sharper focus, revived social calendars, improved fertility. It’s less a medication than a lifestyle intervention with a prescription pad.

    Clinicians, watching this unfold, have begun to reach for a new framework–the “root-cause” theory–because the old boxes no longer hold. These drugs don’t respect the tidy borders between endocrine, cardiovascular, and neurological disease; they trespass, improve, and move on. Even more disorienting, benefits appear in patients who don’t lose weight at all: better heart, liver, and kidney function, as if the drug were quietly tuning systems we didn’t know were connected.

    And here is where the story turns from miracle to question mark. As GLP-1 use spreads–along with the culture’s sudden enthusiasm for “leanmaxxing”–we risk trading one distortion for another: the cartoon body, now achieved pharmacologically rather than cosmetically. It is far too early to crown these drugs the real-world Tricorder, and just as premature to condemn them as a Faustian bargain. Like AI, they are moving faster than our ability to narrate them. We are watching a technology outrun our categories, and the only honest response, for now, is attention without prophecy.

  • Grazing My Way to Nowhere—and Learning to Stop

    Grazing My Way to Nowhere—and Learning to Stop

    At sixty-four, I’m attempting a late-life renovation project: replace a few durable bad habits with better ones before they fossilize into personality. Chief among them is my relationship with hunger, which I’ve treated for decades as a medical emergency requiring immediate intervention—preferably in the form of a calorie-dense snack. I was raised to believe that hunger is unnecessary suffering, a small indignity that can be smothered with a tasty morsel or two. If I feel it, I fix it. If I might feel it later, I preempt it. I’ve spent years grazing my way out of imaginary famines, topping off the tank before the harrowing ordeal of being without food for four hours. I call this Preemptive Feeding Syndrome: the habitual practice of eating in anticipation of future hunger, based on an exaggerated fear of discomfort, resulting in chronic overconsumption and stalled weight management.

    This approach has produced a familiar cycle. I’ve lost weight half a dozen times—descending heroically from 245 to 200—only to regain it with equal conviction. The pattern is almost admirable in its symmetry. The problem wasn’t the diet. The problem was that the moment hunger appeared, I panicked. I treated every pang like a fire alarm. And when you live that way, fat loss becomes a series of interruptions, each one justified, each one fatal to the larger goal.

    At 231 pounds as I write this, with a modest but persistent halo of fat around my midsection and joints that file quiet complaints during exercises like the Farmer’s Walk, I’ve reached a conclusion that is both obvious and inconvenient: the decisive factor in my weight loss is not willpower. It is interpretation. Specifically, how I interpret hunger.

    For most of my life, I’ve read hunger as danger. Something is wrong. Fix it now. But I’m beginning to suspect that hunger is not a malfunction; it’s a message. Often, it’s the message that the system is finally doing what I’ve asked it to do—burn stored energy. The problem isn’t the signal. It’s my reaction to it.

    So I’m attempting a small but radical shift: treat hunger as information, not alarm.

    A brief pang is not a crisis. It’s a wave. It rises, it lingers, it passes—especially if I don’t chase it down with peanut butter and honey. When I leave it alone, something surprising happens: it weakens. When I don’t treat it as a threat, it stops behaving like one. In that shift—from emergency to data point—I gain leverage. Meals taste better because I arrive at them honestly hungry, not pre-satiated by a trail of defensive snacking. My appetite becomes cleaner, less frantic. What once felt urgent now feels negotiable.

    None of this came naturally. It had to be learned, which is to say, unlearned first. Each time I resist the reflex to patch over a pang with calories, I loosen the old wiring and lay down a better circuit. It’s slow work. It’s also effective. My threshold for discomfort has widened. I’m less reactive, more deliberate. My body will follow, but my mind has to lead.

    Frank Zane understood this decades ago. He treated hunger not as an enemy but as evidence—proof that his diet was doing its job. He didn’t try to abolish hunger; he put it in its place. Years later, he still eats with restraint, having trained himself to live comfortably inside that signal. That’s the model: not a life without hunger, but a life in which hunger has been demoted from tyrant to messenger.

    If I can complete this renovation—if I can rewire my response to hunger—I solve the central problem. If I don’t, no amount of planning, tracking, or good intentions will save me from another well-executed relapse.

  • The Vegan Diet That Actually Behaves

    The Vegan Diet That Actually Behaves

    Most vegan diets chase variety. This one chases something else: predictability. I wanted a plan that supports gut health, delivers about 150 grams of protein, and stays around 2,300 calories—without turning every meal into a digestive gamble. The result is not a celebration of abundance. It’s a system that behaves.

    The guiding idea is simple. Every meal is built from three parts: a stable starch, a low-residue protein, and a measured dose of fiber. The aim is not to flood the gut with “healthy” inputs, but to give it clear, consistent instructions.

    Breakfast is structured but quiet. I start with well-cooked buckwheat groats—soft enough to digest without resistance. Into that goes a scoop of pea-and-rice protein powder, half a banana, a teaspoon of psyllium husk, and a small pour of unsweetened soy milk. It’s not exciting, but it is dependable. The psyllium adds just enough cohesion, the banana binds, and the protein arrives without the usual legume side effects.

    Lunch simplifies things even further. Oatmeal becomes the base—again, in a controlled portion. I add another scoop of protein powder, then rotate between half a banana and a small serving of applesauce. A modest amount of soy milk smooths it out. That’s it. No stacking of proteins, no fiber fireworks. Lunch is designed to send a single, clear signal to the body: digest, don’t negotiate.

    Dinner does the heavy lifting. This is the anchor meal, the one that determines how the next morning unfolds. A plate of white rice and red potatoes forms the foundation—arguably the most reliable pairing for digestive stability. On top of that, I add about six ounces of extra-firm tofu and a side of sautéed zucchini or carrots. Everything is cooked soft. Everything is deliberate. A tablespoon of olive oil finishes the plate, not for indulgence, but for smooth passage.

    If I need something at night, I keep it controlled: half a banana, a tablespoon of peanut butter, and a small glass of soy milk. Enough to take the edge off, not enough to start a second digestive act.

    Across the day, the numbers line up: roughly 2,300 calories, about 150 grams of protein, and a moderate fiber intake that stays in the zone where things hold together instead of falling apart. The real achievement, though, isn’t the macros—it’s the consistency. Meals repeat. Ingredients overlap. The system stabilizes.

    There are rules. Beans and lentils are out as daily staples—not because they’re unhealthy, but because they introduce too much variability. Raw vegetables are unnecessary friction. Fiber is measured, not celebrated. Variety is limited on purpose. This is a diet built on the belief that clarity beats complexity.

    Is it boring? Often. But boredom, in this context, is a kind of luxury. It means nothing is going wrong. It means your body is no longer improvising. It means the system is working.

    Can I sustain my health and muscle on a plant-based diet? What if I feel weak? To be honest, I have two contingency plans: I may have to add a scoop of Greek yogurt a day, and replace the vegan protein powder with whey protein powder. That will be the tentative part of the journey. 

  • Pedaling Through the Voice That Says Quit

    Pedaling Through the Voice That Says Quit

    Ninety percent of the time, the Schwinn Airdyne—known in honest circles as the Misery Machine—treats me like a competent operator. I settle into a rhythm and burn roughly 730 calories an hour, sometimes pushing past 800 over a 51–58 minute stretch. It’s hard work, but it feels governed, almost cooperative. The Rate Select hovers around 52, climbs to 58 when I press it, and rewards effort with visible progress. Numbers rise, and with them, morale.

    Then there is the other ten percent—the mutiny.

    You know it immediately. The first minute betrays you. The legs feel like they’ve been filled with wet cement. The lungs are slow to negotiate. The machine, once a willing accomplice, turns indifferent. No matter how much you push, the Rate Select stalls in the high 40s, as if it has quietly downgraded your status. Today was one of those days. Fifty-eight minutes of negotiation yielded 601 calories—an 18 percent deficit from my usual output. I clawed my way past 600 not out of strength, but out of stubborn bookkeeping: at least I could claim I burned off breakfast.

    The real struggle, of course, isn’t physical. It’s narrative. When the numbers climb, the mind becomes a cheerleader—faster, harder, more. But when they sag, a different voice takes the microphone. You’re finished. You’ve lost it. This is a young man’s game, and you’re trespassing. The body tires, but the mind drafts a eulogy.

    That’s the moment that matters. Not the calories, not the pace, but the argument. Today, I didn’t win cleanly, but I held the line. I kept pedaling. I refused the early exit. Six hundred calories is not a triumph, but it is a refusal to collapse.

    These lag days arrive like monthly audits. They expose the fault lines—the impatience, the vanity, the dependence on numbers for validation. The task is not to dominate the machine, but to manage the voice that wants to quit. The reasonable adult has to step in, take the whining child by the shoulders, and say: Not today.

  • Life Is Uncertain. Porridge Is Not

    Life Is Uncertain. Porridge Is Not

    For the past week my appetite has surged like a rogue wave. That could mean several things, none of them particularly flattering. Perhaps I’m medicating stress with food. Perhaps there are subterranean stress triggers rumbling beneath the surface that I haven’t identified yet. Life, after all, provides a constant background hum of anxiety, and it’s difficult to distinguish ordinary daily strain from something more corrosive.

    Retirement is hovering in the distance like a financial fog bank. I’ve been emailing HR about the price of keeping my Kaiser coverage after I retire versus moving to my wife’s more modest plan. Her school pays less than mine, which means we’re staring at something in the neighborhood of $1,500 a month once dental and vision enter the scene. Retirement, which is supposed to represent liberation, suddenly looks like a complicated negotiation with spreadsheets, identity, and self-worth. And apparently my body’s response to this existential accounting exercise is simple: eat more chicken.

    There is, at present, a dangerous quantity of takeout chicken in this house. Fried chicken. Roasted chicken. Greasy, seductive chicken lounging in the refrigerator like a gang of edible hoodlums. I open the fridge intending to take a small, respectable bite. Five minutes later I’m standing there gnawing through a drumstick like a raccoon that has discovered civilization. The aftermath is predictable: gluttony followed immediately by anxiety.

    The anxiety, unfortunately, does not arrive alone. It brings a surveillance drone. I watch myself overeating as if my consciousness has sprouted a third eye hovering above the scene like a judgmental security camera. I am both the criminal and the detective. The more I watch myself eat, the more anxious I become. The more anxious I become, the more I eat. I have achieved what behavioral psychologists might politely call a closed loop of misery.

    Action is required.

    My proposed solution is radical in its simplicity: three meals a day, no snacking. Breakfast will be steel-cut oatmeal or buckwheat groats fortified with protein powder. Lunch will be rolled oats with yogurt and more protein powder. Dinner will consist of a sensible portion of protein, vegetables, and an apple. It is not glamorous, but glamour is precisely the problem.

    Oatmeal comforts me. It possesses the mild, reassuring neutrality of something that has no ambitions beyond keeping you alive. Perhaps it is a kind of surrogate baby food. Perhaps the approach of retirement has triggered a mild regression in which my brain seeks the emotional equivalent of warm porridge and a quiet afternoon nap. As I drift deeper into my mid-sixties, it is entirely possible that my culinary philosophy is reverting to something suitable for a kindly monastery.

    Life is uncertain. Porridge is not.

    I like the predictability of three meals a day involving some form of oatmeal. I like the idea of owning a Lenovo ThinkPad, which is the oatmeal of computers. I like the Honda Accord and Toyota Camry, which are the oatmeal of the automobile world. And I like my solar atomic G-Shocks, which are the oatmeal of timepieces—durable, accurate, incapable of drama.

    If possible, I would like to swim inside a large industrial vat of oatmeal, floating peacefully while the chaos of the modern world clangs harmlessly against the outside of the tank.

    Unfortunately, hostile forces surround the vat.

    My daughters campaign relentlessly for takeout: Dave’s Hot Chicken, Wingstop, Panda Express. Holiday gatherings appear with enough pies and brownies to launch a regional bakery franchise. A man can only resist these temptations for so long before the walls of discipline begin to buckle.

    Meanwhile, medical costs continue their relentless ascent, and retirement funds tremble nervously as global markets perform their daily interpretive dance of geopolitical uncertainty.

    Under such circumstances I find myself clinging to a personal doctrine I’ve begun to call The Porridge Principle: the instinct to confront anxiety by retreating into humble, reliable technologies and routines that promise frictionless predictability. Oatmeal breakfasts. ThinkPad laptops. Honda sedans. Solar atomic watches. These objects do not thrill, but they do not betray.

    When the world becomes chaotic, the mind begins searching for tools and rituals that behave exactly the same way every day.

    So that is the plan.

    Trader Joe’s opens in an hour. I will buy groceries for my family and a heroic supply of oatmeal. The campaign against uncertainty has begun.

    Pray for me.

  • The Taco Bell Effect: How Fast Food and Watches Keep You Hungry

    The Taco Bell Effect: How Fast Food and Watches Keep You Hungry

    My daughters wanted Taco Bell for dinner. I could have abstained, assembled a respectable salad, and preserved my nutritional dignity. Instead, I chose the chicken soft tacos—modest, reasonable, practically virtuous by fast-food standards. And Taco Bell, as always, performed its engineered magic. Somewhere in Irvine, a laboratory of flavor chemists continues its quiet mission: maximize salt, fat, texture, and novelty until the brain lights up like a slot machine. The tacos tasted fantastic. Dopamine rang the bell. I walked away feeling disciplined, even proud—two tacos and a side of sliced bell peppers. Look at me, a responsible adult navigating fast food with restraint.

    Then, about an hour later, the bill came due.

    My appetite didn’t return politely. It kicked the door in. Hunger surged with a strange urgency, as if the meal had not fed me but awakened something restless and unfinished. I ate an apple. Still hungry. I opened a bag of Trader Joe’s Organic Elote Corn Chip Dippers. Still hungry. I cut a thick slice of sourdough and buried it under peanut butter. The sensation wasn’t indulgence—it was pursuit, as though my metabolism were trying to collect a debt the tacos had promised but never paid.

    I was still hungry when I finally surrendered—not to satiety, but to sleep, the only reliable way to close the kitchen.

    Clearly, I had suffered from the Taco Bell Effect: the paradoxical state in which a highly engineered, intensely satisfying experience delivers maximum sensory pleasure and minimum lasting fulfillment, triggering a rebound surge of appetite shortly after consumption. Designed for flavor density, salt, fat, and rapid dopamine, the meal convinces you—briefly—that you’ve eaten well and even responsibly. Then, an hour later, your metabolism files a formal protest. Hunger returns louder than before, prowling the kitchen like a debt collector. The Taco Bell Effect isn’t overeating; it’s under-satiation disguised as satisfaction—a culinary confidence trick in which the experience feels indulgent, the calories look reasonable, and the aftermath sends you negotiating with apples, chips, and peanut butter while wondering how two tacos opened a hunger portal instead of closing one.

    The Taco Bell Effect and the compulsive watch purchase run on the same psychological circuitry: both deliver stimulation without closure. Taco Bell gives you flavor, salt, fat, and novelty, but not satiety; the experience excites the appetite rather than resolving it. A compulsive watch purchase works the same way. You get the hit—research, tracking, unboxing, wrist shots, forum validation—but the emotional hunger remains untouched. Instead of quieting desire, the purchase sharpens it. Within days, you’re browsing again, comparing again, chasing the next micro-difference the way a fast-food meal sends you back to the pantry. In both cases, the problem isn’t excess; it’s insufficient psychological fullness.

    The illusion that traps people is the calorie logic of the hobby: “It’s only one watch,” just as “It’s only two tacos.” But the real metric isn’t the size of the purchase—it’s the behavior that follows. A healthy acquisition produces satiety: you stop looking, you forget the market, you wear the piece without agitation. A Taco Bell watch, by contrast, is engineered for stimulation—limited editions, countdown drops, spec debates, influencer hype. It tastes intense but digests poorly. The result is the horological equivalent of metabolic whiplash: the dopamine spike fades, and the mind, still unsatisfied, starts hunting again.

  • When Self-Improvement Makes Your Watch Addiction Worse

    When Self-Improvement Makes Your Watch Addiction Worse

    Here is an unpleasant truth about watch addiction: you don’t eliminate it.
    You replace it.

    Let that sit for a moment.

    Now here’s the second unpleasant truth: self-improvement—the very thing you hope will save you—may actually make your watch addiction worse.

    Consider Exhibit A: December, 2017.

    I was at a Christmas party feeling miserable. Two hundred forty-five pounds. Feet aching. Energy low. I found myself talking to a celebrity chef and former powerlifter—the kind of man who treats body composition like a moral philosophy. His advice was simple: lose the weight.

    So I went to war.

    Yogurt for breakfast. Protein and salad for lunch. Protein and vegetables for dinner. At night, a tiny apple—my “satiety apple,” the culinary equivalent of a ration in a survival bunker.

    Eight months later, I was down forty-five pounds.

    At 200, I wasn’t lean so much as economized. Sitting on a piano bench hurt because the butt padding was gone. But I looked sharp. Very sharp.

    And that’s when the trouble began.

    The fitness journey was supposed to quiet my watch obsession. Instead, it fed it. The slimmer I became, the more I noticed how watches looked on my wrist. I wasn’t just wearing timepieces anymore. I was curating a silhouette.

    Health had quietly mutated into performance.

    This is the Identity Optimization Spiral—the moment self-improvement stops being about function and becomes aesthetic management. Body, clothes, watches, posture, lighting—everything coordinated into a single ongoing presentation of the self.

    I told myself I was pursuing discipline.
    What I was really pursuing was approval.

    And approval requires accessories.

    So the watches multiplied—not because I needed them, but because my “new body” deserved the right visual punctuation.

    The story, of course, did not end in triumph. Weight rarely leaves permanently; it negotiates. Mine drifted back upward over time—not all the way, but enough to remind me that maintenance is not a phase. It’s a permanent job.

    And that’s the real parallel between dieting and watch restraint.

    Both run on willpower.
    Both require constant vigilance.
    Both demand energy.

    Imagine riding an exercise bike at full speed, indefinitely. You can do it for a while. You sweat. You grind. You feel heroic.

    Then you slow down.

    Then you stop.

    And the moment you stop pedaling, gravity returns. The diet loosens. The browsing begins. The credit card warms up. Worse, the exhaustion from all that heroic restraint makes the relapse stronger.

    This is the cruel math of self-control: willpower is a fuel tank, not a personality trait.

    The more you burn, the more violently you eventually refuel.

    Looking honestly at addiction—whether to watches, food, or the fantasy of perfect self-management—is humbling. It suggests something most improvement culture refuses to admit:

    We are not systems to be optimized.
    We are appetites trying to manage other appetites.

    Sometimes we succeed.
    Sometimes we substitute one obsession for another.
    And sometimes the search for the cure becomes just another addiction wearing a healthier costume.

  • How We Went from Breakfast Mascots to Political Tribes

    How We Went from Breakfast Mascots to Political Tribes

    A few nights ago, I watched Big Vape: The Rise and Fall of Juul, the four-part autopsy of a company that promised salvation from combustible cigarettes and instead managed to hijack a generation’s taste buds. Juul framed itself as a public-health crusader. What it actually built was a sleek delivery system for addiction, turbocharged by flavors engineered to lodge themselves deep in the dopamine circuitry of young brains.

    Former employees and users all pointed to the same thing: mango. Mango wasn’t just a flavor; it was an event. People didn’t vape mango casually. They marinated in it. Mango was the hook.

    Watching this, I was transported back to my own childhood and my first chemical romance: Cap’n Crunch.

    There was something about that unholy alliance of corn flour, palm oil, and brown sugar that short-circuited my will. I didn’t want moderation; I wanted saturation. My parents imposed limits, which only deepened my resolve to grow up as fast as possible so I could make my own enlightened dietary decisions—namely, Cap’n Crunch for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I failed to notice the irony that a grown man subsisting on sugar cereal would represent not maturity but infantilization.

    Cap’n Crunch’s true genius wasn’t just sweetness. It was proliferation. The same cereal reappeared in endless costumes—Crunch Berries, Peanut Butter Crunch—each one offering the illusion of choice. King Vitamin was the most audacious iteration: Cap’n Crunch in a health halo, a masterclass in rebranding junk as virtue. Lipstick on a pig, poured into a cereal bowl.

    Then there were the mascots. Quisp the Martian. Quake the muscle-bound coal miner. As a child steeped in superhero comics and Hulk fantasies, I gravitated toward Quake. Strength. Power. Identity. I didn’t realize I was choosing a brand avatar, not a breakfast.

    Cereal companies were having a field day. We watched cartoons while eating the very product being advertised between scenes. It never occurred to us that we were being conditioned—trained to celebrate a non-nutritive food substance that dissolved teeth and rewired appetite. The Juul kids didn’t know it either. They thought they were buying into a sleek, adult lifestyle. What they were really purchasing was dependence, with a mango aftertaste.

    What troubles me now is that adults don’t seem any less susceptible.

    Today, many people consume political tribes the way we once consumed sugar cereal and flavored vapor. Politics has been repackaged as lifestyle branding—complete with slogans, merch, cosplay, and dopamine hits. The substance is thin. The stimulation is constant. Critical thinking is nowhere to be found.

    These aren’t political commitments; they’re identity snacks. Sugar rushes masquerading as convictions. Defense of one’s “views” consists of chanting talking points with the same reflexive loyalty I once reserved for Cap’n Crunch. No wonder the country feels like it’s in free fall. We haven’t grown up—we’ve just swapped mascots.

    We are a nation of adult children, hooked on political flavors the way kids were hooked on cereal and Juul users were hooked on mango. Politics has become a consumer product: addictive, polarizing, shallow, and wildly profitable. All dopamine. No nutrition.

  • How a Toilet Seat Ruined My Workout

    How a Toilet Seat Ruined My Workout

    Eighteen months ago, when I tore my rotator cuff, I made the first of several reluctant concessions to age and anatomy. My one-hour kettlebell workouts dropped from five days a week to three. In their place, I resurrected the Schwinn Airdyne—a machine I trust because it does not care about my feelings. I rode it for 50 to 60 minutes, three or four days a week, and in the early going I had to work hard to burn 600 calories in 54 minutes. Progress came slowly, then grudgingly, then reliably. Soon it took only 48 minutes to hit 600. In the last month, I was regularly landing around 700 calories in 56 minutes.

    Then came yesterday.

    I burned 825 calories in 61 minutes. Nearly 800 calories per hour. That’s not training; that’s an episode. That’s one of those rare days when the body cooperates, the mind goes feral, and the machine quietly accepts its role as accomplice.

    But we need to talk about today.

    Today, I slogged. I crawled. I negotiated with myself minute by minute. I finished with a humiliating 500 calories in 56 minutes—a meager 535 calories per hour. That’s roughly a third less output than yesterday. As someone who motivates himself through numbers, benchmarks, and internal scorekeeping, this wasn’t just disappointing. It was existential.

    Gamification cuts both ways.

    There were, however, mitigating factors. Last night I spent three hours locked in mortal combat with an old toilet seat, sweating through three T-shirts while attempting to remove plastic wing nuts that had apparently fused with time itself. During this campaign, I punched myself in the face with a pair of pliers, opening a respectable gash across my nose. I woke up sore in places no exercise program claims credit for.

    I suspected today’s ride would be compromised. I just didn’t anticipate how compromised. Working out this morning after last night’s ordeal felt like an NFL linebacker playing Monday Night Football and then being asked to suit up again on Thursday night. The schedule was punitive. What I needed was rest—another full day of it.

    To console myself, I did what any reasonable person would do: I cooked the books. Surely that three-hour ordeal burned at least 400 calories. Add that to today’s 500 on the Airdyne and—there it is—900 calories. A full 200 calories over my goal.

    Victory.

    The ledger balances. My bragging rights are being processed. All that remains is a warm bathtub and the quiet satisfaction of knowing that even on an off day, I still managed to win the argument with myself.

  • The Potato Diet and the Gospel According to Mel Brooks

    The Potato Diet and the Gospel According to Mel Brooks

    Recently, I fell down a nutritional rabbit hole and emerged clutching a potato. Not just any potato, but the cooked-then-cooled kind—Idaho and sweet potatoes transformed into resistant starch, that miraculous category of food that sounds like it should be protesting something. Resistant starch, I learned, behaves like a probiotic: it feeds the gut microbiome, supports immunity, improves metabolic health, lowers cholesterol, and may reduce colorectal cancer risk. It even helps regulate appetite hormones, which is a polite way of saying it tells your brain to stop behaving like a feral raccoon.

    There’s a whole taxonomy of resistant-starch foods, but I’m a simple man. I’m focusing on potatoes. I eat them cold from the fridge or gently reheated. Lunch and dinner get a potato. Snacks get a yam blended into yogurt like some deranged Thanksgiving parfait. If it’s an Idaho potato, I dress it up with plain Greek yogurt, nutritional yeast, and a reckless amount of herbs and spices. This is what refinement looks like in 2026.

    So far, the results have been suspiciously positive. I feel energized. My gut feels calm and cooperative. I enjoy the strange pleasure of eating potatoes at all hours of the day. The real stars, though, are the yams and sweet potatoes—especially the purple Japanese sweet potatoes, which look like food designed by a medieval alchemist with a sense of humor.

    Then came today.

    On the Schwinn Airdyne, I felt… powerful. Not delusional powerful. Not “I should enter a CrossFit competition” powerful. Just quietly, inexorably strong. I burned 825 calories in 62 minutes. The last time I broke 800 calories on that bike was three years ago, back when my joints were younger and my expectations were less realistic.

    Do I attribute this personal record to my potato regimen? I don’t know. The potatoes could be a placebo. I could be committing the cardinal sin of confusing correlation with causation. More likely, I just had one of those rare days when physiology, psychology, and stubbornness line up like planets.

    I don’t expect to hit 800 calories regularly. Seven hundred is already serious business. Eight hundred requires intent. Eight hundred is a flex. It’s bragging rights territory—the kind of obsessive pursuit Howard Ratner brings to the giant black opal in Uncut Gems, except with less jewelry and more sweat pooling under a stationary bike.

    There was another factor, too. Today’s ride was a response to yesterday.

    My daughters were at Knott’s Berry Farm. My wife was out seeing Leslie Jones. I usually enjoy solitude, but yesterday it curdled. The headlines were bleak. My creative energy flatlined. The world felt slightly out of phase, like a record spinning at the wrong speed. When things get that dark, my internal soundtrack defaults to King Crimson’s “Epitaph”—a song that sounds like it was written for someone weeping against a stone wall at the end of history.

    I got through the night with two documentaries: Mel Brooks: The 99 Year Old Man! and Secret Mall Apartment. One was joyous defiance. The other was a reminder that some people respond to modern despair by secretly building illegal sanctuaries inside dead shopping centers.

    Mel Brooks said something that landed with force. Life is hard. We suffer loss. But piling misery on top of misery—indulging self-pity—only deepens the wound.

    I took that personally. I suspect the 825-calorie burn was my way of replying: I hear you, Mel. I love you. I’m choosing motion over rumination.

    And so I did.