George Carlin used to riff on the difference between baseball and football. Baseball, he said, was bucolic and innocent, all sunshine and fresh grass, a place where no one ever really got hurt. Football, by contrast, was a mechanized assault: helmets, blitzes, aerial bombardments, and strategic violence. If Carlin were alive and tormenting the tech world on YouTube, he’d have the same bit about Windows and Apple.
Windows is adult golf in Florida. You’re on a sprawling course with crosswinds, hurricane alerts, gator-infested water hazards, and snakes hiding in the reeds. Everything is dangerous, unpredictable, and just a little thrilling. You’re free out there. You’re a professional. You drive a ball into the storm with the confidence of someone who believes he belongs in the arena.
Apple OS, on the other hand, is miniature golf. The obstacles are neon dragons, ceramic elves, and snowmen with friendly smiles. The path is fenced so the ball doesn’t roll anywhere interesting. The course is supervised by Cupertino kindergarten teachers who hand you a juice box and a blanket every time you panic. It’s safe. It’s adorable. It’s a padded cell with a “magic ecosystem” label slapped on top.
Pride might tempt you to leave the kiddie course. You might fantasize about playing Windows golf with the adults—until the day a ten-foot alligator rises out of a swamp and clamps down on your leg, leaving you hobbling back to Apple, clutching your MacBook Air like a teddy bear.
The lesson is simple: when you’re about to spend two grand on a computer, know who you are. Buy the machine that fits your temperament, not the fantasy persona you conjured on Reddit at 1 a.m.
Cinemorphosis 
Leave a comment