Category: Confessions

Last night I dreamed I was illegally transporting a piano.

This was not a metaphorical illegality. It was a regulatory one. The kind involving helpers, permits, and fines. According to Dream Law, moving a piano required two assistants. I only had one. If caught, I’d be cited. Possibly shamed. I loaded the piano anyway—my beautiful, expensive ebony instrument—into the back of an open truck and drove it from the Bay Area to Southern California, white-knuckled and guilty, like a man smuggling contraband Chopin.

I was living, temporarily, on a compound owned by a vaguely unsavory man. He was tall, pinch-faced, and always wore a blue suit, the uniform of people who know things you don’t want to know. He had the aura of a community fixer—part mentor, part hustler, part moral hazard. He gave me piano lessons, encouraged me to keep lifting weights, and introduced me to restaurants with the enthusiasm of someone laundering taste through generosity. 

On the day I was supposed to leave, my anxiety peaked. Rain was coming. The piano sat exposed in the truck bed like a sacrificial offering. One good storm and the ebony would swell, crack, die. I panicked. The trickster waved it off. Go eat lunch, he said. By the time you’re done, the rain might stop. This was either sage advice or the kind of line uttered by men who profit from delay.

I drove to a nearby restaurant. It was mobbed. People stood outside drinking champagne as if waiting for a table were a lifestyle choice. Inside, servers were popping bottles at a frantic pace—corks flying, foam spilling, the atmosphere halfway between celebration and collapse.

Then I saw it.

Mounted beside the menu was a massive poster advertising a local bodybuilding exhibition. And there I was. Not the man I am now. Not the sixty-four-year-old who qualifies for senior discounts and considers fiber intake a moral issue. This was me in my mid-twenties: thick, swollen, carved out of stubborn protein and vanity. A human monument to leg day. I was the marquee attraction.

The trickster, it turned out, had signed me up to pose in a bodybuilding exhibition without telling me.

How did he know I’d be staying long enough to star in this marquee event? How did he know the rain would delay me? How did he still have a photo of a body I no longer inhabited? 

When the diners saw me standing outside, recognition rippled through the room. Glasses paused midair. Heads turned. Then applause broke out. Cheers. My name—my old name—chanted with conviction. I tried to explain. I gestured at my face, my posture, the subtle collapse of time. I wanted to tell them I wasn’t that man anymore. That I now stretch before standing. That I wake up injured. That my biggest competition is inflammation.

They refused to listen.

The cheering swallowed my protests. Reality bent. And I understood, I would be showing up to that exhibition—dragging with me a body, an identity, and a past I no longer owned, but which apparently still had bookings.

Last night I dreamed I was attending an English Department meeting held, for reasons no dream ever explains, in a recreation room with an adjoining outdoor patio. The setting suggested morale had once been a priority, sometime around 1987.

Inside the rec room, my friend S pressed a pair of earbuds into my hand. They were attached—not metaphorically, but literally—to a CD, which already felt like an archaeological artifact.
“Do you know this song?” she asked.

The music was exquisite. Airy. Radiant. It carried that dangerous quality of being both unfamiliar and deeply known, as if it had once lived inside me and quietly moved out without leaving a forwarding address. I admitted I didn’t recognize it.

She looked at me with the gentlest possible contempt.
“You burned this for me ten years ago.”

I felt properly humiliated. Not embarrassed—abased. As if I’d forgotten the name of a childhood friend or my own middle initial. Then she summoned the band’s leader the way dreams do—no door, no introduction, just a man appearing fully formed.

He was in his late forties, courteous, faintly exhausted, with the posture of someone who has spent years loading gear into vans at 2 a.m. I apologized to him for not recognizing his work. I blamed streaming—how it turns music into sonic wallpaper, a perpetual ambient fog where nothing has to be remembered because everything is always available. In a fit of dream-piety, I vowed to delete every streaming account I owned and return to vinyl, to sacred listening, to LPs spinning on absurdly expensive turntables like a penitent monk.

He nodded shyly, as if he’d heard this promise before, and vanished.

The departmental meeting began outside on the patio, but I lingered inside the rec room instead. I changed into a swimsuit for reasons that felt urgent at the time. I ate snacks—salty, comforting, vaguely institutional—and watched my colleagues through the glass as they discussed the usual bullet points: outcomes, alignment, initiatives. I meant to join them. Truly. But the snacks induced a narcotic drowsiness, and I collapsed onto a yellow beanbag chair like a defeated child at a daycare center. I fell asleep.

When I woke, the meeting was still going on.

Wrapped in a towel over my bathing suit, I finally wandered outside. My younger colleagues informed me I needed to sign the attendance sheet to get my FLEX hours. Unfortunately, the sign-up sheet had already been placed in a wooden box and sent to Human Resources, which in dream logic felt ominous and final, like evidence sealed in a cold case.

The secretary waved it off. She would “put me in the system.”

I thanked her. The meeting droned on. Words floated by without meaning. And all I could think about was that music—its beauty, its ache, its brief visitation. And then, with a second, sharper jolt of recognition, I realized I had forgotten it again.

The song.
The band.

Gone.