Cinemorphosis

Tag: faith

  • The Gospel According to Common Sense

    The Gospel According to Common Sense

    I have feared eternity for as long as I can remember. My life has felt less like a spiritual journey than a protracted campaign in a war for my own soul. Much of that campaign has been chronicled in my collection of essays, The Theology of Biceps, where barbells, vanity, faith, mortality, and salvation wrestle each other beneath fluorescent gym lights. Lately the battle has intensified. I am approaching sixty-five, that age when abstractions begin presenting themselves as appointments rather than ideas, and I have reread, for the fifth time, Emmanuel Carrère’s The Kingdom, his brilliant, maddening meditation on Christianity. Between Carrère’s relentless fascination with the Apostle Paul and my own inability to leave theological questions alone, I have spent months drowning in what I call Theological Vertigo: that state in which every answer generates three new questions until the mind becomes exhausted by its own seriousness.

    Our family vacation to Carlsbad interrupted the cycle. I read less. I wrote less. For the first time in months, my mind had room to breathe.

    One morning we ate breakfast at the French Corner. I ordered a savory crepe and drank coffee softened with milk, cinnamon, and honey. It was, without exaggeration, one of the most satisfying meals of my life. I left the table neither hungry nor bloated but suspended in that miraculous middle ground where appetite and satisfaction shake hands. For several fleeting minutes I experienced something approaching perfection. The meal did not merely fill my stomach; it seemed to quiet some hidden chamber of the soul that usually refuses to stop talking.

    Then we wandered into downtown Carlsbad. My family disappeared into a used record store while I remained outside. I have never liked the smell of old books or aging paper. To many people it evokes nostalgia. To me it smells like mildew wearing a tweed jacket.

    As I waited, I found myself contemplating the familiar inventory of deficiencies: the thirty extra pounds I continue to carry, my inconsistent discipline, and my growing realization that I need more daily companionship than I once admitted.

    Then I noticed two men walking toward me.

    They appeared to be in their early seventies. Both wore safari hats, T-shirts, shorts, and tennis shoes. Their phones rested casually in their back pockets rather than monopolizing their attention. Their conversation flowed with the easy rhythm of men who had probably taken the same walk together hundreds of times. They laughed. They listened. Neither seemed in a hurry to dominate the conversation or perform for an invisible audience. Their calves were sculpted from years of walking rather than months of gym heroics. They looked younger than many men twenty years their junior because their bodies had quietly become advertisements for moderation.

    I envied them immediately.

    Not simply because they were lean, although I certainly noticed that. I envied the life their bodies implied. These were men who had discovered that exercise and friendship need not compete for time. They had fused physical fitness with social fitness into a single daily ritual.

    I doubted they spent evenings rereading Emmanuel Carrère or wondering whether Paul was history’s greatest religious genius or its most successful narcissist. I doubted they classified themselves as “religious,” “spiritual,” “agnostic,” or “secular.” They probably possessed something rarer than an ideology.

    They possessed common sense.

    You take care of your body.

    You walk every day.

    You eat reasonably.

    You cultivate friendships.

    You show up.

    You repeat the process tomorrow.

    None of these habits requires a bestselling self-help book or a sophisticated theology. They emerge from the accumulated evidence of ordinary life. They are conclusions reached not by speculation but by observation.

    Standing outside that record store, I began to wonder whether I had spent years practicing Existential Overfishing—casting my line ever deeper into the waters of ultimate meaning until I had forgotten the fish swimming near the surface. Had I mistaken depth for wisdom? Had I become so absorbed in metaphysical puzzles that I had overlooked the plain truths available to anyone willing to pay attention?

    Questions flooded in.

    Is common sense enough?

    Is common sense superior to profound religious contemplation?

    Have I submerged myself beneath a sea of fascinating but largely irrelevant abstractions?

    Have I mistaken intellectual complexity for spiritual maturity?

    Have I, after all these years, simply lost the plot?

    Perhaps the life of the Common Sensalist is the wiser path.

    A Common Sensalist believes that flourishing depends less upon elaborate theological systems or fashionable self-improvement programs than upon the quiet authority of ordinary experience: daily exercise, enduring friendships, moderation, meaningful work, simple pleasures, and habits repeated until they become character. Such a philosophy does not reject transcendence. It merely insists that the road toward it may begin with putting on walking shoes instead of opening another theological treatise.

    As I stood there waiting for my family to emerge from the record store, I felt strangely melancholy. I had spent decades wrestling angels while two elderly men had apparently settled for walking with friends.

    I still wasn’t sure who had chosen the better path.

    But I knew exactly where I wanted to eat breakfast the next morning.

  • The Inversion Gospel

    The Inversion Gospel

    Largely because of Paul, Christianity leaves no room for self-help.

    There is no Stoic program of disciplined self-mastery. No Epicurean search for tranquil pleasure. No rationalist confidence that reason can perfect the soul. No wisdom tradition promising that enough insight, meditation, or self-examination will unlock your hidden potential. Paul sweeps every human technology of self-improvement into a single heap and sets it ablaze.

    Discipline.

    Reason.

    Philosophy.

    Human flourishing.

    All of it belongs, in Paul’s estimation, on the rubbish pile.

    There is no meditation to anchor you in your inner self. No koan to awaken your latent divinity. No carefully engineered life-hack to elevate your consciousness. Instead, Paul reaches back to Isaiah and delivers a stunning declaration of war against human wisdom itself: “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the intelligence of the intelligent I will reject.”

    Yet Paul does not stop at dismantling humanity’s ladders to self-perfection.

    He demands something even more astonishing.

    You must embrace what the world calls foolishness.

    The crucified Messiah is not merely an inconvenient truth. He is a scandal to the Jews and utter absurdity to the Greeks. The path to salvation does not ascend through brilliance, eloquence, status, or virtue. It descends into humiliation, weakness, dependence, and apparent defeat. Those whom society considers lowly and contemptible are nearest the Kingdom, while the celebrated, accomplished, and admired stand in greatest danger.

    Paul thus proclaims what might be called the Anti-Flourishing Doctrine: the startling Christian paradox that human excellence, self-improvement, wisdom, and personal achievement can become obstacles rather than pathways to salvation. The more impressive you become in your own eyes, the less likely you are to recognize your need for grace.

    Emmanuel Carrère, however, wonders whether theology is the whole story.

    He suspects Paul was also engaged in a struggle for authority.

    Hovering in the background is the gifted preacher Apollos, renowned for his eloquence and learning. Paul never launches a direct attack on him. Instead, he accomplishes something far more ingenious. By portraying eloquence, rhetorical brilliance, and worldly wisdom as spiritually suspect, while elevating weakness, humility, and apparent foolishness, Paul quietly transforms his greatest rival into an example of precisely what Christians ought to distrust.

    It is a rhetorical masterstroke.

    Without naming Apollos, Paul changes the rules of the contest.

    The polished speaker suddenly appears spiritually compromised. The awkward, unimpressive apostle becomes the authentic messenger of God. Those standing high are brought low; those lying in the dust are lifted up.

    Carrère is astonished by the originality of this move. Whether Paul’s motives were entirely pure is almost beside the point. He had written something the ancient world had never encountered. Like Jesus himself—whom Carrère describes as a hapax legomenon, a phenomenon without precedent—Paul seemed to create an intellectual and spiritual category all his own.

    He proclaimed what might be called the Inversion Gospel: the revolutionary conviction that every conventional measure of greatness—wisdom, eloquence, status, strength, success, even virtue—is overturned by the logic of the Cross, where weakness becomes power, defeat becomes victory, and what appears to be foolishness becomes the deepest truth of all.

  • Pauline Mirror Syndrome

    Pauline Mirror Syndrome

    There is no escaping Paul. To become a Christian is, in some measure, to place your trust in him. You must accept that the man who never met the historical Jesus became, through his Damascus conversion and subsequent revelations, an apostle every bit as legitimate as those who had walked beside Christ in Galilee. More than that, you must believe that Paul’s visions conferred an authority so profound that he became Christianity’s most influential interpreter, the man whose voice would ultimately drown out nearly all the others.

    For many believers, this poses no difficulty. Paul is the heroic convert, the fearless missionary, the brilliant theologian who carried Christianity into the Gentile world.

    For others, he is a problem.

    His letters often pulse with an unnerving competitiveness. He dismisses rivals with astonishing confidence, defends his authority with relentless vigor, and repeatedly reminds his readers that his gospel came not from human teachers but by direct revelation from Christ. To admirers, this is prophetic certainty. To skeptics, it can sound perilously close to grandiosity. His confidence is so complete that it occasionally borders on solipsism, as though the final court of appeal were not the testimony of others but the private theater of his own mind.

    In The Kingdom, Emmanuel Carrère imagines Paul regarding the Jerusalem apostles with something approaching contempt. Their understanding of Jesus, rooted in firsthand acquaintance, strikes Paul as merely “Christ according to the flesh.” Carrère compares him to “those critics who prefer not to read the books or see the films they review to be sure that their judgment won’t be swayed by the work in question.” 

    It is a devastating image. Paul becomes the supreme authority precisely because he refuses to be constrained by eyewitnesses.

    Some readers find this exhilarating.

    Others experience what I call apostolic recoil: the instinctive revulsion one feels toward a revered religious figure whose personality seems morally or psychologically suspect despite his canonical status.

    I belonged to that second camp almost from the beginning.

    I remember sitting in church when I was seventeen as a member of the choir introduced a hymn. His face glowed with affection as he announced that Paul was his favorite apostle. The warmth in his voice startled me because it exposed the opposite reaction within myself. I disliked Paul with remarkable intensity. He struck me as arrogant, combative, ambitious, and intoxicated by his own authority.

    The realization filled me with shame.

    I was a new Christian, yet I harbored deep hostility toward the man who had done more than anyone else to shape Christianity. Surely this could not bode well for my faith. I was suffering from canonical dissonance: the unsettling psychological conflict that arises when one reveres a religious tradition while distrusting one of its indispensable architects.

    What did this say about the authenticity of my conversion? Had I embraced Christianity while instinctively rejecting its chief interpreter?

    Decades later, my opinion of Paul has become more nuanced but no less conflicted. Emmanuel Carrère has supplied historical and psychological reasons to question Paul’s extraordinary self-confidence, yet I have gradually come to suspect that my resistance originates somewhere far less flattering.

    Perhaps the problem is not Paul.

    Perhaps the problem is me.

    I recognize too much of myself in him.

    His ambition.

    His vanity.

    His hunger to be right.

    His tendency to trust the authority of his own mind.

    When I recoil from Paul, I may simply be recoiling from my own reflection.

    I call this Pauline Mirror Syndrome: the unsettling experience of rejecting the Apostle Paul because one recognizes in him the very flaws one struggles to forgive in oneself.

    The mirror is often more difficult to face than the man standing inside it.

  • The Judgment Instinct

    The Judgment Instinct

    Many of us are born with a moral conscience. We do not need religion to experience the sting of guilt or the quiet satisfaction of having done the right thing. Years ago, I had a Hungarian student who described herself as coming from a “very atheist but moral family.” She was one of the most conscientious students I have taught—honest, intellectually rigorous, and incapable of cutting corners. I never doubted her for a moment.

    Conscience transcends religious belief. Religion may give conscience a vocabulary, a theology, and a story, but it does not create it. The impulse to judge ourselves seems to arrive long before we learn the language of heaven and hell.

    One of my earliest memories comes from when I was three years old. A little girl and I wanted a box of raisins before dinner, but my parents refused. Outraged, I threw a tantrum. In the chaos I lurched forward, accidentally knocking the little girl down a flight of apartment stairs. The image seared itself into my mind. I was horrified—not because an adult scolded me, but because I knew, with the terrible clarity that only children can possess, that I had done something wrong. The guilt lingered into the next day. Unable to bear it, I performed my own act of penance. I deliberately hurled myself down the same staircase, as though suffering could somehow balance the moral ledger.

    Around that same time, I became obsessed with the nursery rhyme “This Old Man.” I remember standing in the lunch line at nursery school, trying not to gag at the sulfurous smell of boiled lima beans, singing the song under my breath. When I reached the line, “This old man came rolling home,” an inexplicable vision filled my imagination. I saw an endless procession of people—young and old—watching the old man stand in judgment over the life he had lived. Then, one by one, they understood that they would be judged next. The image carried no explicit heaven or hell, no angels or devils. It was simply an overwhelming certainty that every life would one day be weighed.

    I knew nothing of religion.

    Yet I seem to have been born with what I call the Judgment Instinct: the inborn intuition that our lives will ultimately be evaluated by a moral standard higher than personal preference, social approval, or self-justification. Religion did not implant that intuition in me. It gave a name to something I already sensed was there.

  • The Telos Test

    The Telos Test

    Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange contains a recurring refrain: “What’s it going to be then, eh?” The words linger because they refuse to let the reader remain a spectator. They demand a decision. They ask not merely what one believes, but what one intends to become.

    The question came back to me while reflecting on the Greek word telos—the ultimate purpose toward which every action aims. What, then, is the telos of my fascination with the early Christian church? Why do I keep returning to the conflict between James and Paul, to the expectation shared by Jesus and Paul that the end of history would arrive within their own generation, and to the ways later editors softened those failed expectations by rendering the prophecies more elastic? What is the purpose of exposing cracks in Christian doctrine?

    Suppose, for the sake of argument, that Emmanuel Carrère, Elaine Pagels, or Bart Ehrman successfully chip away at the church’s claim to doctrinal certainty. What then? Burgess’s refrain becomes a philosophical audit. It asks whether my scholarship has a destination beyond demolition. It is another way of asking the question posed by R.E.M.: after losing my religion, what remains?

    In truth, I doubt I could ever lose my religion entirely.

    Whatever label I eventually assign myself—Christian, agnostic, or something in between—I cannot silence the conviction that I will one day answer for the life I have lived. My conscience refuses to dismiss the possibility of judgment. I imagine my thoughts and deeds passing before me in merciless clarity. I see myself shrinking beneath their weight, my knees buckling, my confidence evaporating, reduced to asking not for vindication but for mercy. I do not regard this as a uniquely religious neurosis. It seems to me a universal human intuition. Religion did not invent our moral sense; it gave language, symbols, and stories to an accountability that most of us already feel lurking beneath the surface of consciousness.

    That is why my ambivalence toward Paul is never merely historical. It immediately becomes personal.

    “What’s it going to be then, eh?”

    Am I dismantling Paul’s authority because I seek the truth, or because I seek permission?

    If there is no final judgment, no resurrection, and no afterlife, do I thereby acquire a license to indulge every selfish appetite? If organized religion collapses under historical scrutiny, am I morally obligated to replace it with another vision capable of disciplining my desires?

    Martin Hägglund attempts precisely this in This Life: Secular Faith and Spiritual Freedom. He argues that meaning arises from our finite existence and our obligations to one another rather than from eternity. It is an intellectually serious project. Yet I wonder whether I possess Hägglund’s confidence in human nature. Do we really possess the moral resources to repair ourselves? Or is Paul correct that something within us is too deeply fractured to heal itself?

    Steven Pressfield offers another alternative in The War of Art. For him, humanity’s fallen nature appears under a different name: Resistance. Salvation comes not through grace but through disciplined creative labor. The Muse replaces the Holy Spirit; artistic practice replaces spiritual formation. I admire Pressfield immensely. Yet I hesitate before turning art into a universal religion. Is artistic transcendence truly available to everyone? Is disciplined creativity sufficient to tame the darker regions of the human heart?

    Then there are Elaine Pagels and Bart Ehrman. Both drank deeply from the well of Christianity before becoming two of its most influential historical critics. Both retain profound respect for Jesus while rejecting much of traditional Christian doctrine. In their hands, Christianity often becomes less a supernatural drama than a humanitarian ethic. Hell recedes into metaphor. Divine wrath becomes a cautionary tale about human cruelty. The central question shifts from salvation to compassion.

    As much as I admire their scholarship, I sometimes wonder whether they perform what I have come to call Therapeutic Transfiguration: the transformation of a demanding religious tradition into the language of emotional wellness, affirmation, and psychological flourishing.

    Stephen Prothero voices a similar concern in his review of Karen King and Elaine Pagels’ Reading Judas. He writes:

    I prefer to take my religious history free from demands for contemporary relevance, so whenever someone in the historical-Jesus fraternity makes Jesus mutter moral maxims that might as easily have been uttered by President Bush or Oprah Winfrey, my anachronism antenna goes up. In this case, Pagels and King massage the multicultural sensibilities of their readers by opining that the Gospel of Judas represents a “sharp, dissenting voice” against the “single, static universal system of beliefs” of official Christianity. Preaching to the “spiritual but not religious” choir, they tell us that, like other noncanonical texts they have championed elsewhere, this gospel aims to “encourage believers to seek God within themselves, with no mention of churches, much less clergy.”

    What Prothero objects to might be called Oprahfication: translating historically specific and often unsettling religious claims into therapeutic affirmations about inner peace, self-discovery, and personal fulfillment. The apocalyptic prophet becomes a motivational speaker. The call to repentance becomes an invitation to embrace one’s authentic self.

    I confess that Oprahfication unsettles me as well. Whenever I hear sweeping assurances about “the divine within,” I picture an Oprah Winfrey interview with Deepak Chopra dissolving into a warm bath of inspirational platitudes. Even if there is some truth in the claim that God may be encountered within, it remains a perilous proposition. For every soul who genuinely discovers humility, I fear thousands more will disappear into the funhouse mirrors of narcissism, mistaking self-absorption for enlightenment.

    Of course, the opposite error is no better. Certain Puritans became so intoxicated by the doctrine of human depravity that they all but erased the possibility of salvation, imagining a universe in which nearly everyone was damned. Such despair borders on the demonic. Yet the opposite doctrine—that humanity is innately divine and naturally good—contains its own danger. If everyone already possesses effortless sanctity, then no one requires transformation. Without an exemplar who calls us beyond ourselves, goodness becomes whatever we happen to prefer, and heaven gradually dissolves into a congratulatory mirror.

    Which brings me back to Burgess.

    “What’s it going to be then, eh?”

    That question is no longer about Paul. It is about me.

    Am I searching for historical truth, or am I constructing an elegant rationale for living exactly as I please? Is my criticism an act of intellectual honesty, or an application for moral exemption?

    I hope it is neither cynicism nor rebellion that drives this inquiry. I hope my quest is animated by the desire to see reality more clearly while remaining accountable to whatever goodness ultimately governs it. If I dismantle inherited beliefs, I pray it is not to clear space for selfishness but to discover a foundation sturdy enough to support a life worthy of judgment.

  • The Startup That Defeated Headquarters

    The Startup That Defeated Headquarters

    Religion has never existed without branding. Every enduring faith possesses a recognizable identity, a coherent vision, and, above all, a commanding personality capable of persuading others that his interpretation is the authentic one. 

    Early Christianity was no exception.

    James, the brother of Jesus, envisioned a movement rooted firmly in the Law of Moses. The Messiah had indeed come, but the covenant remained intact. Followers of Jesus still belonged within Judaism and still observed its commandments. It was a closed ecosystem. Think of James as Mac OS: elegant, coherent, tightly controlled, and suspicious of unauthorized modifications.

    Paul had a radically different vision. Christ’s death and resurrection had liberated believers from the Mosaic Law. Circumcision, dietary regulations, and ritual obligations no longer defined God’s people. The system was now open. Paul was Windows. He discarded the old operating restrictions and invited the entire Gentile world to install the software. Even more audaciously, he translated Jewish ideas into categories that Greeks could understand, blending Hebrew theology with Hellenistic thought. What struck James as scandalous improvisation appeared to Paul as inspired innovation.

    The dispute was not merely theological. It was a fight over ownership of the brand.

    James, Peter, and John operated from corporate headquarters in Jerusalem. Paul functioned like an ambitious regional manager who suddenly decided headquarters had become obsolete. In The Kingdom, Emmanuel Carrère imagines the conflict unfolding as a modern corporate dispute. Jerusalem’s leadership views Paul as a rogue executive who is “fraudulently usurping” the Christian name, misrepresenting the company’s message, and franchising unauthorized branches across the Mediterranean. Paul had never accompanied the historical Jesus. He knew only the Christ revealed through visions. To Jerusalem, this was not merely eccentric; it was grounds for termination.

    Carrère summarizes the problem with delicious corporate sarcasm:

    Paul has always presented himself as an independent master, preaching what he calls ‘my Gospel,’ and only evoking in a very vague way the existence of a parent enterprise whose representative he is.

    There lies the heart of the conflict. Paul repeatedly refers to “my gospel.” Imagine a vice president introducing himself by saying, “Welcome to my Apple” or “Let me tell you about my Coca-Cola.” Such language would send corporate attorneys into cardiac arrest. Yet Paul speaks with precisely that confidence. His authority does not derive from Jerusalem. It derives from God.

    Carrère pushes the metaphor further:

    And now there are these people from Jerusalem, who first of all introduce themselves as Paul’s superiors, and secondly say that he’s no longer part of the business. They had to let him go, they say, because this isn’t his first transgression. He’s already opened up shop here and there under their prestigious logo, even though they’ve forbidden him from using it. He’s been uncovered several times, but he always goes farther and finds new dupes.

    One can almost picture the cease-and-desist letters arriving by camel.

    The conflict became a theological arm wrestle. Paul would establish a congregation, depart for another city, and soon afterward representatives from Jerusalem would arrive to inform the new converts that Paul was a fraud. His gospel lacked authorization. The authentic Christianity remained the Jerusalem version.

    Paul answered with astonishing audacity, nowhere more vividly than in Galatians. He insists that his gospel was not taught to him by any human being but revealed directly by Jesus Christ. His opponents are not simply mistaken; they are preaching a counterfeit gospel. Even if an angel from heaven proclaims another message, Paul declares, let him be accursed. To establish his credentials, Paul presents his autobiography as evidence: his education in Jerusalem, his fierce persecution of the church, his dramatic encounter on the road to Damascus, and his continuing revelations from Christ. Possessing a direct line to heaven, he has little patience for organizational charts drafted in Jerusalem.

    History suggests that Paul won.

    Despite the Jerusalem apostles’ determination to preserve their prestigious logo, Paul effectively appropriated it, redesigned it, and launched it globally. The movement that conquered the Roman Empire bore Paul’s theological fingerprints far more than James’s. The Christianity that eventually reached Europe, Africa, Asia, and the Americas was not simply the faith of Jerusalem. It was Jerusalem translated, expanded, and fundamentally reimagined by Paul.

    Perhaps there is a broader lesson here. Closed systems often preserve purity, but open systems spread. James built a fortress. Paul built a network. One protected the brand. The other made it impossible to contain.

  • The Messiah Test

    The Messiah Test

    In The Kingdom, Emmanuel Carrère argues that Paul built Christianity upon a single indispensable claim: the Resurrection. Remove it, Paul tells the Corinthians, and the entire edifice collapses. If Christ did not rise from the dead, then Christian hope is an illusion, preaching is empty, faith is futile, and there is nothing left but to eat, drink, and await extinction.

    Carrère is unconvinced that unwavering belief in the Resurrection can be explained solely by historical evidence. He is more interested in the psychology of conviction. Again and again, he observes, reality does not always weaken faith. Sometimes it hardens it.

    His favorite illustration is a familiar one. A charismatic guru predicts that the world will end on a particular day. The day arrives. The sun rises. Children go to school. Banks open for business. Reality appears to have delivered a humiliating verdict.

    Yet the faithful do not disperse in embarrassment.

    Instead, they reinterpret the outcome. The prophecy did not fail, they insist. A profound spiritual transformation occurred, invisible to ordinary eyes but unmistakable to those with genuine faith. The skeptics see only another Tuesday. The elect perceive eternity breaking into history.

    Failure itself becomes evidence of success.

    Those who abandon the movement demonstrate that their faith was shallow all along. Those who continue believing prove they are the wheat separated from the chaff. As Carrère writes, they learn to distrust their senses. If reason and observation contradict revelation, then reason and observation must yield. The very willingness to appear foolish becomes proof of election. They have passed the test.

    Social psychologists describe this phenomenon as the paradox of commitment under disconfirmation. When identity fuses with belief, contrary evidence no longer serves as an external check. Instead, the evidence itself is absorbed into the belief system and assigned a new meaning. Disconfirmation becomes confirmation by another name.

    Carrère sees Paul confronting precisely this dynamic.

    The Thessalonians have accepted the scandalous claim of the Resurrection, much to Paul’s relief. But another crisis erupts in Galatia. Missionaries have persuaded the Galatians that fidelity to the Jewish law remains essential. Paul responds with extraordinary vehemence. Even if he himself—or an angel from heaven—should later preach a different gospel, he writes, that messenger must be rejected.

    The true gospel has already been delivered.

    Paul’s confidence is striking because his authority rests on a different kind of encounter than that of the original disciples. Peter, James, and John knew Jesus during his earthly ministry. Paul did not. His authority derives from visions and revelation rather than firsthand companionship.

    One might suppose that the disciples who ate with Jesus, traveled beside him, and listened to his teaching would possess the stronger claim to authority. Paul turns that expectation upside down. His mystical encounter with the risen Christ, he argues, is not inferior to theirs but divinely authoritative. The churches must trust the revelation given to him, even when it conflicts with competing interpretations.

    Carrère detects the same psychological pattern operating here as in the failed apocalypse. Membership in the community depends not merely upon accepting a proposition but upon accepting a particular source of authority. To believe Paul despite the absence of ordinary historical verification becomes the very mark of authentic faith.

    Paul ultimately prevails.

    His letters come to define Christian theology far more decisively than the remembered voices of those who walked beside Jesus during his earthly life. One might describe this victory as Epistemic Promotion: the elevation of private revelation, mystical experience, or ideological certainty above ordinary evidence, historical testimony, or empirical reasoning. Whether one views that promotion as divine inspiration or as an extraordinary feat of theological persuasion depends largely upon where one stands. What cannot be denied is that Paul’s vision reshaped Christianity more profoundly than that of any other single figure after Jesus himself.

    Paul’s reshaping of Christianity raises an unavoidable question: What were his motives?

    Paul famously writes that prophecy, knowledge, eloquence, and every other spiritual gift are worthless without love. Love, he insists, is the measure by which all religious authority must be judged. But that standard inevitably turns back upon Paul himself.

    Was love the governing force behind his extraordinary confidence?

    Let us assume, for the sake of argument, that Paul was entirely sincere. Even then the question remains. Did he need to prevail over the other apostles because he loved Christ and the churches? Or because he hungered for authority, validation, and the satisfaction of being right? Was it love? Ego? Power? Some unstable mixture of all three?

    These are not merely questions about Paul. They are questions about every religious founder, prophet, guru, apostle, messiah, revolutionary, and ideological visionary who asks us to entrust them with our minds and souls.

    Do they genuinely seek our flourishing?

    Are their methods honest?

    Are they persuading us—or manipulating us?

    Does the enthusiasm of a crowd testify to truth, or merely to the contagiousness of conviction?

    Before surrendering ourselves to any movement, we would do well to apply what I call The Messiah Test: the practice of asking whether a leader’s authority exists primarily to serve those who follow—or to serve the leader himself.

    Carrère subjects Paul to precisely this test.

    He is fascinated by Paul’s insistence that he is Christ’s authentic messenger despite never having met Jesus during his earthly life. To illuminate the audacity of Paul’s claim, Carrère imagines an analogous scene in 1925. A former White Army officer arrives in the Kremlin demanding an audience with Stalin. He announces that he has received a private revelation of Marxism-Leninism more profound than anything the Party itself has ever understood. On that basis, he demands full authority over the movement while refusing to submit to Stalin or the Politburo.

    The analogy is intentionally absurd.

    Carrère’s imaginary officer is no heroic reformer. He is a spectacular crank. His confidence borders on the operatic. His self-assurance is matched only by his breathtaking inability to recognize how implausible his claims appear to everyone around him.

    He suffers from what might be called Revelation Inflation: the tendency to elevate private revelation until it outranks every competing authority. The visionary no longer argues that he possesses a valuable insight. He insists that his insight is the decisive one, superior to history, institutions, eyewitnesses, and every rival claim to truth.

    Whether one ultimately sees Paul as a divinely inspired apostle or as an astonishingly persuasive religious entrepreneur, Carrère’s thought experiment forces the same uncomfortable question: How do we distinguish authentic revelation from magnificent self-certainty?

  • Watermelon Theology

    Watermelon Theology

    In 1979, around the time of my conversion, I was a seventeen-year-old bodybuilder performing barbell curls in the family den while the television droned in the background. On the screen stood a large Southern preacher wearing a green seersucker suit and speaking in a voice that sounded uncannily like Foghorn Leghorn’s. Amid all the sermons I have forgotten, one metaphor lodged itself permanently in my mind.

    “Religion,” he said, “is like a watermelon. You enjoy the sweet fruit, but you have to accept the seeds. A lot of people can’t accept the seeds, so their faith fails.”

    I have been chewing on those watermelon seeds ever since.

    The fruit has never been my problem.

    If I step back from the Bible and read it as the grand narrative of moral order and moral dissolution, of humanity’s perpetual struggle between sanctification and self-destruction, I find myself repeatedly stopping in admiration. Surely there is such a thing as spiritual health and spiritual decay. Surely the person who learns humility, self-control, forgiveness, courage, and sacrificial love becomes someone fundamentally different from the person consumed by vanity, resentment, lust, greed, and appetite. We become what we repeatedly do, and eventually our habits cease to be things we perform; they become the substance of our character.

    Christianity also explains something else with remarkable psychological precision. It understands the persistent ache that seems woven into the human condition. We are creatures forever searching for transcendence while repeatedly mistaking stimulation for transcendence itself. As the Reverend Eugene Peterson observed, many of us pursue moments of escape through recreational sex, drugs, alcohol, celebrity, politics, or the intoxicating madness of crowds. We mistake emotional intensity for spiritual fulfillment.

    The Sermon on the Mount and Paul’s Letter to the Philippians propose something radically different. Happiness is not found through self-assertion but self-emptying. Power is discovered through service. Life is found by relinquishing the desperate project of preserving it. The Gospel’s diagnosis is humiliating precisely because it leaves so little room for self-congratulation. Paul, who knew his own failures intimately, dismissed the self-help philosophies of his age with astonishing brevity. Human beings, he insisted, are not merely uninformed. They are unable. They require grace.

    Whenever I read Jesus or Paul, I cannot escape the feeling that they have perceived something enduring about human nature. This does not strike me as one religion among many, each pointing politely toward the same destination. It confronts me with a diagnosis that continues to unsettle me.

    Then come the watermelon seeds.

    There are, first, the supernatural claims.

    I would be dishonest if I claimed to believe them literally. Noah living nearly a thousand years. The ark. The parting of the Red Sea. The Virgin Birth. The dead emerging from their tombs during the Crucifixion and walking through Jerusalem. Jesus raising the dead. Paul doing the same. Above all, the Resurrection itself.

    Then there are the historical seeds.

    The expectation that the Kingdom of God would arrive within the lifetime of Jesus’ contemporaries appears to have receded as history stubbornly refused to cooperate. Scholars argue that later editors softened or reframed passages whose original urgency had become increasingly difficult to defend.

    Then come the institutional seeds.

    Paul’s breathtaking declaration that “there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” gradually yielded to later church structures that proved considerably more interested in hierarchy than equality. Letters now widely regarded by many scholars as pseudonymous instructed women to remain silent, submissive, and excluded from leadership. The liberating impulse of the earliest Christian communities became entangled with the far less inspiring politics of institutional preservation.

    And finally there is perhaps the hardest seed of all.

    Hell.

    Infinite punishment for finite creatures.

    A doctrine that has haunted Christian thought for centuries.

    The temptation, of course, is simply to spit out the seeds.

    Many people do.

    The miracles become metaphors.

    The Resurrection becomes symbolic.

    Sin becomes psychological maladjustment.

    Judgment becomes poor self-esteem.

    Christianity quietly dissolves into a soothing spirituality where every religion points toward the same divine reality, nobody is terribly mistaken, vice is largely a matter of perspective, and the highest commandment is simply to relax and enjoy yourself because life is short.

    Once I begin removing the seeds, how do I know which ones are merely unpleasant and which ones are load-bearing?

    Where does revision end and reinvention begin?

    At what point have I ceased pruning Christianity and quietly invented another religion that merely borrows its vocabulary?

    This is what I have come to call Foundational Anxiety: the fear that questioning one foundational belief will begin a cascade of doubt that ultimately leaves a person without any stable moral, philosophical, or spiritual ground.

    It is also why I think of my predicament as Watermelon Theology.

    Watermelon Theology is the attempt to preserve the nourishing moral and spiritual fruit of a religious tradition while wrestling honestly with doctrines, miracles, and historical claims that resist belief. It refuses both naïve certainty and fashionable dismissal. It insists that the fruit is too nourishing to discard lightly, even while acknowledging that the seeds remain stubbornly lodged between one’s teeth.

    Can I resolve this dilemma in a thousand-word essay?

    Hardly.

    Millions of people have spent two millennia arguing over these very questions. Many of them are smarter than I am. Augustine stood in this line. Aquinas stood in this line. Luther, Calvin, Kierkegaard, Bonhoeffer, C.S. Lewis, and countless others stood here as well.

    I do not get to complain that the line is long.

    I simply take my place in it.

  • The Book That Failed to Cure Me of Paul

    The Book That Failed to Cure Me of Paul

    For more than twenty years, I have lived under the spell of Hyam Maccoby’s portrait of the apostle Paul in The Mythmaker: Paul and the Invention of Christianity. No book has done more to persuade me that Christianity might be the brilliant invention of a single, insecure, wildly ambitious genius. In Maccoby’s telling, Paul transformed a small Jewish sect into a universal religion by fusing Judaism, paganism, and strands of Hellenistic thought into something Jesus himself would scarcely have recognized. In the process, Paul elevated his own authority, turned Christianity against Judaism through supersessionism, and helped lay the theological foundation for the antisemitism that would spread through Western history like a centuries-long contagion.

    It is an intoxicating argument.

    Maccoby writes with the confidence of a prosecutor who has already secured the conviction before the trial begins. His prose is lucid, forceful, and relentlessly persuasive. He marshals his evidence with such authority that resistance feels almost irrational. Reading The Mythmaker is less like weighing competing historical interpretations than being swept into a courtroom drama where every witness seems to strengthen the case against the defendant.

    I was hardly alone in falling under its influence. On Amazon, the featured review is by the late novelist Anne Rice. After spending what she called “twelve earnest years” trying to become a Christian, her faith collapsed beneath what she regarded as Paul’s supersessionist theology and well-worn theological clichés. Maccoby, she writes, finally explained the confusion that had haunted her. Although she did not endorse every argument, she declared that the concluding chapter alone justified the price of the book.

    In many ways, I envy Rice.

    Maccoby gave her precisely what she had been searching for: an intellectually satisfying deconversion. His argument untied the theological knot that had troubled her and allowed her to walk away with a sense of clarity and peace.

    My own journey has been perversely different.

    The deeper I investigated Maccoby’s claims—and, just as importantly, the criticisms of his excesses—the less certain I became. Instead of confirming my doubts about Paul, the evidence steadily eroded my confidence in Maccoby’s portrait. The elegant certainty I once admired began to look increasingly overstated. The villain proved more elusive than the indictment suggested.

    Today I find myself in an unexpected place. My admiration for The Mythmaker has diminished, while my fascination with Paul has grown. Not because I have ceased asking difficult questions, but because Paul has become a far more complex, intelligent, passionate, and psychologically compelling figure than Maccoby allowed him to be.

    Much of that transformation can be traced to Emmanuel Carrère’s The Kingdom, my favorite novel. Carrère approaches Paul from almost the opposite direction. He does not write as an apologist, nor does he write as a prosecutor eager to secure a conviction. An agnostic by his own description, Carrère remains captivated by Paul, Luke, and the improbable chain of events that produced Christianity. He grants them neither sainthood nor villainy. Instead, he treats them as astonishingly gifted human beings whose words continue to exercise an almost gravitational pull on the Western imagination.

    That difference has mattered enormously to me. Maccoby offered the comforting simplicity of a conviction already reached. Carrère offered something rarer and ultimately more valuable: the unsettling experience of remaining in the presence of a man who refuses to become either hero or monster.

  • The Atheist Who Loved Church

    The Atheist Who Loved Church

    In 1979, I asked Christ to save me from hell and got baptized in a church. The minister dunking me held me under the water a little too long, triggering a claustrophobic panic. For a split second, I fought the urge to wrestle him underwater and put him in a headlock.

    The truth is, I never felt comfortable in church. The music grated on me, the displays of piety felt forced, and I was already battling social anxiety that made the whole scene intolerable. My Christian friends from high school were there, but they didn’t seem to understand me. Their conversations were peppered with Christian clichés, the kind that make your skin crawl. I felt crushed by a constant thought: all my Jewish relatives, long gone, were suffering in hell. The “good news” wasn’t working with me. I was depressed, and the sheer cheerfulness of everyone around me only magnified the dissonance I felt.

    At the time, my mother was dating Bill, a man in his fifties with a grim past. Abandoned by his parents, both alcoholics and addicts, he was found half-dead and drunk in a gutter at the age of eleven. He got sober as an adult and spent his life helping others do the same. His blue eyes, sad and weathered, hinted at that broken boy inside him. I couldn’t look in his eyes without seeing that eleven-year-old boy drunk and alone in the gutter. 

    One Sunday morning, as I was begrudgingly getting ready for church, Bill surprised me. He said he loved going to church, even though he didn’t believe in God. He wasn’t moved by the theology—he was an atheist, after all—but the hymns, he said, brought him joy and a sense of community he couldn’t find anywhere else. This stunned me then, and it still does now. How could someone, an atheist no less, attend church just to soak in the music and camaraderie? But Bill embraced that contradiction without a second thought.

    A few years later, my mother, in tears, told me Bill had died of lung cancer, the kind of death you might expect from someone who had smoked like a chimney. The news hit me hard, but what lingers most is the memory of those sad blue eyes, the ones that saw through me and seemed to carry the weight of that abandoned child in the gutter. Even now, the thought of him, lost and broken at eleven, leaves me feeling a heaviness that’s hard to shake and brings tears to my eyes.

    In her book Adam, Eve, and the Serpent, religious studies author Elaine Pagels writes about the pagans during the early Christian era who threw their unwanted babies in the trash. The Christians loved those abandoned babies and did all they could to save them. Their belief in God made such abandonment repugnant. Part of me thinks, I don’t know if I’m a Christian or not, but God bless those Christians for saving those babies. 

    I want to believe there is a part of me that wishes to love God for the same reason I was heartbroken when I learned of how Bill was abandoned as a small child and treated like unwanted rubbish. I want to believe that God would embrace such a child and bring him into His fold.