Cinemorphosis

Tag: poetry

  • Gravefeather and the Temple of Iron

    Gravefeather and the Temple of Iron

    At 63, with fifty years of training behind me and enough injuries to fill a radiologist’s scrapbook, I don’t pay a therapist two hundred bucks an hour to dissect my existential drift. No, I take my angst to the garage and sweat it out under the cold, unforgiving eye of a steel kettlebell.

    This isn’t the gym-as-penance nonsense of my youth. I’m in it for the long haul now—grease in the joints, not fire. I train smart. No heroic max-outs, no flirtations with the ER. I chant my gospel, delivered by YouTube prophet Mark Wildman: “The purpose of working out today is to not hurt yourself so you can work out tomorrow.”

    Prepped with a concoction of 50 grams of protein (half yogurt, half whey, all optimism) and 5 grams of creatine, I step into the garage like a monk entering a steam-soaked temple. Within minutes, I’m sweating like a politician in a polygraph booth, slipping into that endorphin-laced trance where everything hurts and yet somehow heals.

    But my solitude never lasts.

    The parade begins: delivery drivers dropping packages by the gate like sacrificial offerings. They nod. We chat. They ask about my workouts. Sometimes they want kettlebell tips, which I deliver like the gym-floor Socrates I’ve become.

    Then come the other visitors—the crows. Not just crows. Hypercrows. Schwarzenegger crows. Hulking, obsidian-feathered beasts with the posture of Roman generals and the swagger of barbell-swinging demons. These things don’t fly—they strut. They don’t chirp—they taunt.

    One in particular has claimed me. I’ve named him Gravefeather, which feels appropriately mythic. He has the pecs of a cartoon strongman and the gaze of someone who’s seen civilizations fall and isn’t impressed. He parks himself on the fence or the garage roof, staring me down mid-swing with an expression that says, “Your form is garbage and mortality is laughing at you.”

    I know he remembers me. Crows do that. He remembers that I’m no threat. He remembers I talk to myself. He probably knows my macros. And when I lock eyes with him, mid-swing, sweat blurring my vision, I swear he’s thinking, “Nice hinge, old man. Shame about your knees.”

    Sometimes he’s perched twenty feet away while I’m gasping through Turkish get-ups, his eyes drilling into me with cosmic disdain. I hear him say, without speaking, “Enjoy your little routine, fleshbag. Entropy is undefeated.”

    But I argue back. I say, “Just because we’re mortal doesn’t mean we surrender to chaos. This is my sanctuary. I honor it. I will not be mocked by a sentient pigeon in a tuxedo.”

    Gravefeather cocks his head. He seems to consider this. Then, with the faintest nod of something like respect, he lifts off into the blue, cawing a tune that sounds like the chorus of a forgotten Paul McCartney song—melancholy, strangely triumphant, vaguely judgmental.

    And I return to the bell. I swing. I breathe. I endure. Gravefeather may be watching, but the iron remains mine.

  • Moses Meets the App Store in My Descent to Hell

    Moses Meets the App Store in My Descent to Hell

    Five years ago, I had a dream that still clings to me like the stench of sulfur on an unwashed sinner. In it, I found myself suspended over a chasm so vast and foreboding it made Dante’s Inferno look like a weekend at Lake Tahoe. This wasn’t just your garden-variety pit of despair. No, this one was styled by some deranged horror set designer who clearly had unresolved issues with gravity and geometry. The rocks jutted out like they’d been forged in spite, sharp enough to slice light itself. Below me? Nothing but an infinite abyss—pitch black, indifferent, and curling with smoke as if Hell had sprung a leak.

    My right hand clutched a pulley system that seemed to have been engineered by Torquemada during a particularly creative phase. It squealed and groaned like it hated me personally. Each tug upward felt like hauling an anchor through molasses with a rotator cuff made of stale bread. My muscles howled, my fingers cramped into arthritic claws, and I could practically hear my body whispering, “Let’s just give up and fall dramatically.”

    Above me, a shaft of light flickered—not a beacon of salvation, but more like someone had dropped a flashlight into a well and forgot about it. It promised hope the way a gas station burrito promises nutrition: with cruel intent.

    Now here’s where the dream leaned hard into surrealism. In my left hand, I held a tablet—equal parts Moses and Steve Jobs. One moment it gleamed with digital sleekness, the next it was stone, chiseled with ancient script and glowing like radioactive guilt. It was a device caught in an existential crisis, flipping between iPad and Ten Commandments with the kind of indecision reserved for suburban dads browsing Netflix.

    On one side of this metaphysical gadget was a tableau of indulgence—a pulsating carousel of temptation: flesh, flames, laughter, madness. The orgy of excess, curated in high definition. On the other side? A searing Divine Light—pure, unblinking, and full of that holy judgmental glow that makes you instinctively cover your bits.

    As I strained upward—toward gray light, away from that unholy carnival—I had the sinking realization that I might not make it. My body was mutinying. My mind, riddled with indecision. And I knew, deep in my marrow, that if I let go, I’d drop—not just into the pit, but into a punchline told by angels over drinks: “Remember that guy who thought he could have both salvation and the sex party?”

    I hung there, torn between moral clarity and high-def carnality, between stone tablet and glowing screen, between self-destruction and self-delusion. And all I could do was pray that I’d wake up before gravity made the decision for me.

  • Return to Purgatory: A Packing Dream from Hell

    Return to Purgatory: A Packing Dream from Hell

    Last night, I found myself trapped in a sprawling compound of crumbling houses that looked like they were built during the Carter administration and never cleaned since. A communal frenzy was underway: the packing of thousands—yes, thousands—of food items and random clothing for a temporary exodus. Why the mass exodus? Unclear. Fumigation? Apocalypse? A reboot of The Grapes of Wrath? Whatever the reason, it was purgatorial.

    The mood? Moronic cheer. My fellow inmates—let’s not flatter them by calling them neighbors—were sipping drinks, cackling, and treating this Herculean labor like a godforsaken block party. Meanwhile, I hovered at the edge of the scene, paralyzed by the Sisyphean logistics of it all. Every cabinet I opened unleashed another avalanche of expired beans and mismatched Tupperware lids. The collective merriment felt obscene, as if they were toasting the Titanic’s elegant descent into the sea.

    And just when I thought salvation had arrived—in the form of a 2 a.m. bathroom break—I awoke, staggered to the toilet, and stumbled back to bed hoping to reset my brain. No such luck. The dream resumed exactly where I left off, like I’d hit pause on Netflix and walked back into my own streaming nightmare. There I was again, back in the compound, surrounded by half-drunk revelers blissfully ignoring the sheer futility of their packing, while I stood, a one-man FEMA unit, dreading every box and can like they were symbols of existential despair.

    I suppose, in some Jungian corner of my subconscious, this was meant to be cathartic. Maybe a soul purge. Maybe a late-night psychological CrossFit session designed to wring out my nervous system like a filthy sponge. All I know is, I woke up feeling like I’d done emotional burpees for eight hours straight—but to my surprise, I was eager to get out of bed, made a pot of coffee like it was a holy sacrament, and gleefully planned a one-hour kettlebell workout. 

  • Beauty Without Performance: The Quiet Legacy of The Sundays

    Beauty Without Performance: The Quiet Legacy of The Sundays

    Harriet Wheeler and David Gavurin of The Sundays gave the world my favorite song of all time: “You’re Not the Only One I Know.”
    I didn’t just fall for that song — I tumbled headfirst into their entire body of work across three albums, each one a quiet masterclass in melancholy and grace. I saw them live twice, but the 1990 show at Slim’s in San Francisco left a scar on my heart that never quite healed. Somewhere between the ringing guitars and Harriet’s bittersweet voice, I understood something about beauty that hurt — the way only true beauty can.
    I bought a Sundays T-shirt that night, and decades later, my teenage daughter wears it like a badge of honor as if carrying the torch for a band she never saw but somehow still feels.

    Wheeler and Gavurin, true to form, refused to play the roles we demanded of them.
    After making their brief, brilliant splash on the music scene, they disappeared — not in disgrace, but in quiet triumph.
    No messy social media fade-outs. No tragic reunion tours at casino amphitheaters. Just two people choosing domestic obscurity over the ceaseless meat grinder of public performance.
    Rumor has it Harriet became a schoolteacher. I hope that’s true. There’s something magnificent about the idea of her trading in the spotlight for a chalkboard, living in the kind of real, unperformed life that fame devours.

    Meanwhile, their fanbase — myself included — obsessed for years, combing through blogs and Reddit threads for any sign of a comeback that never arrived.
    But the more I think about it, the more I admire Wheeler and Gavurin’s refusal to extend the brand of themselves indefinitely.
    The same beauty that made their music shimmer with timeless sadness likely steered them away from the terminal exhibitionism that seems to consume so many artists.
    Their art wasn’t a ladder to fame — it was a lifeboat out of it.

    They should know this much:
    The same Sunday’s T-shirt I once wore to death now lives on, worn proudly by my daughter, proof that real magic — the kind you don’t sell, the kind you don’t explain — doesn’t need an encore.

  • Obscurity Without Shame: The Enduring Beauty of the Trash Can Sinatras’ “Obscurity Knocks”

    Obscurity Without Shame: The Enduring Beauty of the Trash Can Sinatras’ “Obscurity Knocks”

    It was 1990, and there I was — strutting down Hollywood Boulevard with my girlfriend, a walking cliché in a secondhand leather jacket, pretending to be too jaded for the tourists but secretly hoping to be discovered by a roving talent scout. We ducked into some grim little shrine to adolescent misery, shopping for Smiths T-shirts and anything else that might broadcast our manufactured melancholy.

    That’s when the store’s sound system offered up “Obscurity Knocks” by the Trash Can Sinatras — a song I was too full of myself to recognize as a direct warning shot.
    At the time, I was a preening, would-be screenwriter and novelist, drunk on my own imaginary press clippings, convinced that obscurity was a fate reserved for lesser mortals. I didn’t realize that the bright, bittersweet melody washing over those racks of ironic despair was, in fact, my personal horoscope: You, sir, will toil unseen. You will remain a hidden draft in life’s file cabinet. And — shocking plot twist — it will not kill you.

    Decades later, “Obscurity Knocks” still sits at the top of my all-time favorites list, not because it flatters ambition, but because it gently demolishes it.
    It’s a hymn to living for the work itself, to making peace with invisibility, to resisting the cheap, sugary high of external validation.

    It is one of those rare songs that manages to be both wistful and liberating at once — a graceful acceptance letter to a life lived outside the gravitational pull of fame. Far from being a bitter anthem of failure, it’s a clear-eyed celebration of choosing the harder, more honest road: living for one’s art rather than living off it.

    At first listen, the jangly guitars and breezy melody almost betray the lyrical gravity beneath. The music is light, but the words carry the weight of a reckoning. The narrator stands at the border between youthful ambition and mature resignation, surveying the life he has actually lived versus the life he once imagined. And yet, there is no rage, no tantrum, no grasping for lost relevance. Instead, there is something far healthier and more beautiful: an elegy without self-pity, a conscious decision to stay faithful to the things that matter.

    The song’s real bravery lies in its refusal to dress obscurity up as defeat. It suggests that real integrity means loving what you do even when the spotlight points elsewhere — when the record deals dry up, when the critics stop caring, when the audience forgets. In an era addicted to metrics — clicks, likes, views — “Obscurity Knocks” remains a defiant refusal to reduce one’s life to a scoreboard.

    Mortality hums quietly underneath the entire track. It’s not explicit, but it’s there, felt in the weariness behind certain lines, the subtle wear and tear of a life measured not by trophies but by quieter, richer achievements: loyalty to craft, private joy, the bittersweet pleasure of simply carrying on. It accepts the inevitable fading without collapsing into nihilism.

    There is longing, yes — the song aches with it — but it’s a clean, unsentimental kind of longing. It isn’t the longing for public adoration or manufactured relevance; it’s the deeper human longing to matter, to create something true before the clock runs out. In this way, “Obscurity Knocks” isn’t just about a music career. It’s about the universal experience of learning to live meaningfully in a world that will not give you a standing ovation for it.

    The Trash Can Sinatras don’t rage against the dying of the light; they tip their hats to it, shrug, and keep playing. And in that shrug, that beautifully unvarnished acceptance, they find a kind of glory that fame could never offer.

    Do the Trash Can Sinatras have a song more beautiful than “Obscurity Knocks”? Technically, yes — but only one, and finding it is like trying to locate the Holy Grail in a used CD bin. It’s a B-side called “My Mistake,” a painfully perfect little anthem about a young fool so drunk on love he trips over his own heart like it’s a barstool in a dark room.

    It’s a song that captures, with ridiculous precision, the exquisite humiliation of thinking you’re the protagonist in a grand romance when you’re actually just a blip on someone else’s radar — a mistake you won’t stop making until life has finished sanding the delusions off your bones.

    Postscript:

    After writing this post, I felt compelled to listen to “Obscurity Knocks” on YouTube and someone asked in the comment section: “Any other songs like this?” I answered: “Yes, ‘My Finest Hour’ by The Sundays.”

  • Out of the Sunken Place: Literacy, Identity, and Resistance in American Media and History: A College Essay Prompt

    Out of the Sunken Place: Literacy, Identity, and Resistance in American Media and History: A College Essay Prompt

    Essay Prompt:

    In Jordan Peele’s Get Out, the “Sunken Place” is a haunting metaphor for racial oppression, psychological erasure, and the paralysis of learned helplessness. In Childish Gambino’s “This Is America,” we witness the chaos and spectacle that distract from—and contribute to—that same systemic dehumanization. Across both works, the Sunken Place is not just a cinematic device—it is a chilling representation of the Black American experience under white supremacy, media manipulation, and cultural exploitation.

    Meanwhile, in Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass and Spike Lee’s movie Malcolm X, we see two historical figures who not only diagnosed their own versions of the Sunken Place but fought like hell to escape it—and to pull others out with them. Both men confront the dehumanizing force of racism, the danger of false identity imposed by the dominant culture, and the urgent need for self-definition through education, oratory, and rhetorical power.

    Your Task:

    Write a well-structured, argumentative essay in which you compare and analyze how the Sunken Place operates as a metaphor for racial oppression in Get Out and “This Is America,” and then examine how Frederick Douglass and Malcolm X function as heroes because they:

    • Identified and articulated the psychological and cultural dimensions of the Sunken Place,
    • Used literacy and self-education to transform their consciousness and identity,
    • Embraced self-reinvention to reject the roles society had written for them,
    • And wielded rhetoric, public speech, and writing as tools of resistance and uplift.

    Your Essay Should:

    • Develop a clear thesis that connects all four texts and takes a position on why Douglass and Malcolm X are essential in the larger conversation about the Sunken Place.
    • Use specific evidence from the film Get Out, the music video “This Is America,” Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, and Spike Lee’s Malcolm X.
    • Analyze how self-reinvention and literacy act as tools of resistance in both historical and contemporary contexts.
    • Explore the power of rhetoric and performance—whether in speeches, writing, or visual media—as a means of disrupting oppression.
    • Consider how media, identity, and oppression intersect across the past and present.

    Length: 1,700–2,000 words

    Format: MLA, double-spaced, 12-point Times New Roman

    Sample 9-Paragraph Essay Outline: Out of the Sunken Place

    I. Introduction

    • Hook: A striking image or quote from Get Out or Douglass’s memoir that captures the feeling of being silenced, erased, or controlled.
    • Context: Briefly introduce the concept of the Sunken Place and how it serves as a metaphor for racial oppression in both modern media and historical reality.
    • Thesis: Jordan Peele’s Get Out and Childish Gambino’s “This Is America” depict the Sunken Place as a form of psychological and cultural imprisonment, while Frederick Douglass and Malcolm X represent heroic resistance through literacy, self-reinvention, and rhetoric—tools they used to break free from the false identities imposed by a racist society and to help others escape as well.

    II. Paragraph 1: The Sunken Place as Metaphor in Get Out

    • Analyze the concept of the Sunken Place in Peele’s film as a visual and psychological metaphor for helplessness, erasure, and loss of agency.
    • Discuss how the character of Chris embodies this forced subjugation.
    • Connect the visual metaphor to systemic racism and cultural silencing.

    III. Paragraph 2: Spectacle and Distraction in “This Is America”

    • Analyze how Childish Gambino’s video presents Black suffering behind the mask of American entertainment and spectacle.
    • Examine the use of chaos, dance, and violence as metaphorical distractions from systemic oppression.
    • Connect to the Sunken Place as a cultural state where truth is obscured by media performance.

    IV. Paragraph 3: Douglass Diagnoses and Escapes the Sunken Place

    • Show how Douglass identifies slavery not just as physical bondage but as psychological erasure.
    • Analyze how literacy becomes his path out of the Sunken Place.
    • Use key moments from the memoir (e.g., learning to read, confrontation with Covey).

    V. Paragraph 4: Malcolm X and the Power of Self-Reinvention

    • Explore how Malcolm X’s transformation (Malcolm Little → Detroit Red → Malcolm X) illustrates his escape from imposed identity.
    • Discuss how the prison-to-platform arc parallels Douglass’s journey.
    • Emphasize the role of reading, writing, and faith in his transformation.

    VI. Paragraph 5: Literacy and Rhetoric as Weapons of Resistance

    • Compare how both men use writing and oratory as tools of liberation.
    • Show how speeches, autobiographies, and essays were used to expose racism and awaken others.
    • Draw parallels to how modern media (like Get Out) also aims to awaken.

    VII. Paragraph 6: Counterargument & Rebuttal

    • Acknowledge the claim that historical figures and modern entertainers operate in fundamentally different spaces.
    • Rebut by showing that both use performance and storytelling to fight cultural amnesia and reclaim Black identity.

    VIII. Paragraph 7: Synthesis of Past and Present Resistance

    • Tie together the works: How Douglass and Malcolm X laid the rhetorical groundwork that Peele and Gambino build on.
    • Emphasize the continuity of struggle and evolution of the Sunken Place.

    IX. Conclusion

    • Reaffirm the thesis with renewed emphasis.
    • Reflect on what it means to escape the Sunken Place in today’s cultural landscape.
    • End with a powerful final thought about the ongoing power of education, identity, and resistance.

  • Ozempification and DeBrandification in Black Mirror

    Ozempification and DeBrandification in Black Mirror

    In the dystopian funhouse mirror that is Black Mirror, two episodes—”Joan Is Awful” and “Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too”—serve as cautionary tales about the perils of Ozempification and the arduous journey toward DeBrandification. These narratives dissect how individuals relinquish their identities to external forces, only to embark on a tumultuous quest to reclaim them.

    Ozempification, much like the quick-fix weight loss drug it’s named after, represents the seductive allure of outsourcing personal agency for immediate gratification. In “Joan Is Awful,” Joan’s passive acceptance of Streamberry’s invasive terms leads to her life being broadcasted without consent, morphing her into a grotesque caricature for public consumption. Similarly, in “Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too,” Ashley O’s acquiescence to her aunt’s overbearing control transforms her into a commodified pop puppet, her authentic self suppressed beneath layers of marketable artifice.

    The consequences of Ozempification are stark. Joan becomes a prisoner of her own life, scrutinized and vilified by an audience oblivious to her reality. Ashley O’s existence is hijacked, her consciousness commodified into AI dolls like Ashley Too, symbolizing the extreme exploitation of her identity. Both women find themselves trapped in narratives dictated by others, their true selves obscured by the demands of an insatiable audience.

    Enter DeBrandification: the messy, rebellious process of dismantling the curated personas imposed upon them. Joan’s revolt against Streamberry’s AI-driven exploitation and Ashley O’s defiance against her aunt’s manipulative machinations epitomize this struggle. Their battles underscore the difficulty of reclaiming authenticity in a world that thrives on manufactured images.

    However, DeBrandification is not a seamless endeavor. Joan’s attempt to obliterate the quantum computer orchestrating her televised torment results in legal repercussions, highlighting the societal resistance to such acts of defiance. Ashley O’s liberation, while cathartic, leaves her navigating an industry that may still view her as a product rather than a person. Their stories illuminate the complexities and potential fallout of shedding a commodified identity.

    Black Mirror masterfully illustrates that while Ozempification offers the tantalizing ease of relinquishing control, it leads to an existence dictated by external forces. Conversely, DeBrandification, though fraught with challenges, paves the path toward genuine selfhood. Joan and Ashley O’s journeys serve as stark reminders that in the age of digital commodification, reclaiming one’s identity is not just an act of rebellion, but a necessary step toward true autonomy.

  • 3 College Essay Prompts for the Theme of the Erasure of the Real Self in Black Mirror

    3 College Essay Prompts for the Theme of the Erasure of the Real Self in Black Mirror

    Prompt 1:

    The Algorithm Made Me Do It: Ozempification and the Erasure of the Authentic Self in Black Mirror

    Prompt:
    Ozempification, a term drawn from the meteoric rise of the weight-loss drug Ozempic, refers not merely to physical transformation, but to the cultural obsession with algorithmic self-optimization—a reduction of the self into something that fits marketable templates of desirability, productivity, and visibility. In this sense, Ozempification is not about becoming one’s “best self,” but about conforming to the statistical average of social approval—a bland, performative version of humanity sculpted by metrics, surveillance, and commercial algorithms.

    In Black Mirror’s “Joan Is Awful” and “Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too,” examine how the process of Ozempification is portrayed as a crisis of identity and autonomy. How do these episodes dramatize the pressure to optimize or streamline one’s personality, body, or narrative to fit the expectations of corporate systems, streaming audiences, or digital avatars? And what is lost when the self is outsourced to algorithms or AI proxies?

    Sample Thesis Statement:
    While “Joan Is Awful” explores Ozempification through the algorithmic flattening of a woman’s messy humanity into a sanitized, marketable character, “Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too” presents a pop star whose real self is chemically sedated and algorithmically exploited to maintain a corporate-friendly brand—together, the episodes argue that Ozempification is not just an aesthetic pressure but a moral one, in which authenticity is sacrificed for compliance with machine-readable norms.

    Prompt 2:

    Plastic People: Ozempification, Femininity, and the Commodification of Pain

    Prompt:
    Ozempification, in its broader cultural usage, reflects a condition in which human identity is compressed into a palatable, profitable, and programmable version of itself, often mediated by AI, performance metrics, or pharmaceutical enhancements. Particularly for women, Ozempification demands that not only the body but also emotions, voice, and even pain must be flattened into consumable, cheerful data.

    Compare “Joan Is Awful” and “Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too” through the lens of Ozempification and its gendered implications. How are the women in these episodes coerced into performing streamlined versions of themselves for media systems that extract value from emotional trauma? How is rebellion framed—not as a revolution—but as a glitch in the system?

    Sample Thesis Statement:
    Both “Joan Is Awful” and “Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too” depict Ozempification as a uniquely gendered assault, in which female characters are turned into content-producing avatars that erase the messiness of their real emotions; the episodes critique a culture that demands women’s suffering be aestheticized, compressed, and sold back to audiences as inspirational entertainment.

    Prompt 3:

    Terms and Conditions Apply: Ozempification and the Surrender of Consent

    Prompt:
    In its metaphorical use, Ozempification speaks to a larger cultural trend in which people willingly or unknowingly sign away their depth, contradictions, and agency to systems that promise optimization. Whether through weight-loss drugs, algorithmic recommendations, or AI-generated personas, this phenomenon signals a loss of human autonomy dressed up as empowerment.

    In Black Mirror’s “Joan Is Awful” and “Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too,” analyze how Ozempification is less about force and more about engineered consent. How do these characters end up surrendering their identities to systems that claim to liberate them? What role does illusion—of control, of relevance, of success—play in facilitating that surrender?

    Sample Thesis Statement:
    Through Joan’s unwitting agreement to a soul-stripping user license and Ashley O’s drug-induced compliance with her brand’s transformation, both episodes reveal Ozempification as a process that cloaks dispossession in the illusion of choice, suggesting that in the age of algorithmic consent, autonomy is not taken—it’s given away in exchange for belonging.

  • Fear, Fat, and the Fickle Gods of Appetite: A Diet Writer’s Tale

    Fear, Fat, and the Fickle Gods of Appetite: A Diet Writer’s Tale

    Rebecca Johns spent decades whispering sweet, slimming nothings into the ears of women’s magazine readers—low-fat gospel by day, seductive chocolate cake recipes by night. In her Atlantic essay, “A Diet Writer’s Regrets,” she confesses the irony that while readers gobbled up her diet advice like SnackWell’s cookies, she was losing the battle against her own body. At twenty-three, fresh out of college and desperate to shrink her waistline, Johns eagerly volunteered for the magazine’s diet beat. She got the gig—and with it, a front-row seat to her own unraveling.

    As her writing career expanded, so did she. The more she advised others on portion control, the more food tightened its psychological grip on her. She became the oracle of thinness while secretly bingeing and self-loathing. And her audience? They were just as eager to read about lemon-water detoxes as they were molten lava cakes for their next dinner party. The entire racket, she realized, was built on contradiction and fantasy.

    By 2017, she weighed 298 pounds, with a BMI in “Call the doctor” territory. She had tried every acronym on the dieting menu—WW, keto, IF, CICO—but none of them stuck. Then, like a miracle in an injector pen, came Mounjaro. Prescribed in 2023, this GLP-1 wonder drug rewired her hunger like a tech support call for the brain. No more food noise. No more gnawing obsession. Eighty pounds evaporated. At last, she became the kind of person she had written about for thirty years but never met—herself, only thinner.

    But here’s the twist: now that she’s tasted liberation, she’s terrified. Insurance may soon ghost her, and Mounjaro, priced like a luxury car lease, will slip from reach. She knows too much to let herself go back, and not enough to know how to stay the course without her miracle molecule. The horror? She might have to white-knuckle her way through celery sticks and willpower.

    Johns doesn’t mince words when she calls body acceptance a euphemism for surrender. “If skinny were truly optional,” she writes, “we’d all choose it.” And she’s not wrong. If college is driven by fear of poverty, maybe dieting is driven by fear of dying too soon—or worse, returning to a body you fought so hard to escape.

    If fear gets the job done, Johns suggests, then let it. After all, if love won’t keep you away from the donuts, maybe dread will.

  • The First Cut is the Deepest: A Childhood Steeped in FOMO

    The First Cut is the Deepest: A Childhood Steeped in FOMO

    FOMO is never stronger than in childhood, when imagination stretches farther than reality can reach and the world feels just beyond our grasp. To a child, magic is real, enchantment is tangible, and some hidden paradise always seems just out of reach—close enough to see, impossible to touch. And nothing stings quite like realizing that somewhere, right now, a better world exists, and you are not in it.

    I learned this lesson in the summer of 1968 in San Jose, California, while riding bikes with my neighbor, Billy Cantambay. We were two six-year-olds, circling Venado Court as a fine mist of summer rain fell around us, making the streetlights glow and the air smell like wet pavement and possibility.

    Then we saw it:

    A single blue light flickering in the distance, hovering above the unfinished housing developments at the edge of the neighborhood. It twinkled through the fog like a Christmas bulb detached from time, a spectral glow that neither of us could explain.

    “Christmas lights!” one of us shouted.

    “Christmas lights!” the other echoed.

    But why was Christmas happening over there and not here? Whose house was that? What kind of people lived beneath that glow? In my mind, I pictured a lone man inside—not lonely, just content—waking up to Christmas every day.

    For a week, Billy and I worshipped the light, riding our bikes in endless circles, pointing, speculating, longing. Then one evening, it was gone. No explanation. No goodbye. Just a vanishing act, leaving behind nothing but an ache—an inexplicable sadness, as if we had been denied entry into something greater than ourselves.

    Four years later, another dream slipped through my fingers, and this time, I cried about it.

    My fifth-grade friend Marc Warren had invited me to Piper’s Smorgasbord in San Leandro, California—a kingdom of pizza, fried chicken, and blueberry pie, where gluttony was not just encouraged but a sacred ritual. By the time we left, we were bloated with triumph.

    Driving home, still drunk on sugar and grease, we talked about our flying dreams.

    Not figurative flying—not ambition, not success—actual flying. The kind where you jump off a cliff and just go, gliding over the ocean, effortless, weightless, free.

    The dreams were so vivid—we could remember the wind in our faces, the rush of air under our arms, the certainty that we would never fall.

    And then, reality crashed down.

    We weren’t flying. We would never fly.

    The grief was immediate, existential, crushing.

    Two fifth-graders, staring out the car window, weeping over the cosmic injustice of gravity.

    That’s the cruelty of FOMO—it isn’t just about missing an event. It’s about missing a world, a place so real inside your imagination that its absence hurts like a phantom limb.

    Every culture has its own version of this unreachable paradise—a place forever close but forever out of reach.

    For me, it was Bali Ha’i.

    The song, sung so hauntingly by Juanita Hall in South Pacific, tells of an island just across the water—visible, tantalizing, but never quite attainable.

    I first heard it as a toddler in the Flavet Villages—a cluster of old military barracks repurposed as student housing in Gainesville, Florida, where my family lived near an alligator swamp and a stretch of forest.

    Most people would have found the place bleak. I found it enchanted.

    At dusk, my father and I would walk to the edge of the forest to visit a Mynah bird, which perched on the same branch every evening, watching us with an intelligence I couldn’t explain.

    The swamp smelled of alligator dung, a rank, pungent stench that somehow filled me with a sense of cosmic belonging.

    One night, as we stood beneath the Mynah bird, a distant radio played “Bali Ha’i.”

    The melody wove itself into the moment, perfectly harmonizing with the humid night air, the bird’s quiet watchfulness, and the unseen creatures shifting in the darkness.

    For the first time, I understood the ache of paradise lost.

    In 1965, another world out of reach found me.

    Her name was Barbara Eden.

    She lived inside a genie bottle—a glowing jewel of a home, lined with pink and purple satin, circular sofas, and mother-of-pearl inlays.

    To five-year-old me, this was the peak of human civilization.

    I didn’t just want to watch I Dream of Jeannie. I wanted to live inside that bottle.

    I imagined myself curled up on the velvet cushions, bathed in the warm glow of genie magic, whispering secrets with Jeannie as the outside world became irrelevant.

    When it hit me—really hit me—that I would never live in that bottle, that the closest I’d ever get was a TV screen and my own relentless imagination, I felt crushed in a way I had no words for.

    Even crueler?

    That gorgeous genie home was just a painted Jim Beam whiskey decanter.

    That’s what FOMO really is: intoxication by illusion.

    And long before Instagram, long before airbrushed vacations and curated feeds, I was already intimately familiar with its sting.