Cinemorphosis

Tag: short-story

  • The Confessions of a Hot Tub Messiah

    The Confessions of a Hot Tub Messiah

    You were twenty-six in the hot August month of 1998 and for a shimmering chlorinated hour at a friend’s pool party at a lavish apartment complex in Livermore, California, you became the mythical, magical Hot Tub Stud. Your girlfriend wasn’t there. It was August, and she had already packed her bags to start her fall semester at Scripps College in Claremont California. It was ridiculous that you and your girlfriend Pamela would attempt a long-term relationship. You were each other’s first romance. You both were surely naive. Neither of you knew how doomed and unhealthy your relationship was. There were things about you–your neediness and lack of spontaneity to name two–that Pamela hated about you. Deep down, you knew she hated you, but you were too needy to acknowledge how repulsed she was by your neediness. You were also too needy to acknowledge that you weren’t so hot about her either. Sure, the chemistry was great. You guys desired each other every second, but it was impossible for you to truly love someone who recoiled at your broken, immature self. Deep down, you wanted to be admired and adored, and you knew Pamela would never be that person.

    Around 3 p.m., in the steamy, chlorine-scented haze of suburban hedonism, she appeared: Rachel, a petite brunette with long, flowing hair, skin like burnished chestnut, and dark, soulful eyes that suggested she’d read Anna Karenina and wept at the right parts. She wore a green bikini. She had depth. She had presence. And she was—unbelievably—into you.

    And not just into your pecs and biceps. She was drawn to your languid ease, your temporary state of post-Pamela serenity, that rare moment when you weren’t apologizing for your existence or scanning the horizon for emotional threats. You exuded something you rarely possessed: confidence. You didn’t try to be charming. You just were.

    You talked. She was an Ashkenazi Jew, like you—except fully, whereas you were only half, your dad a gruff Irish Catholic whose idea of spiritual intimacy was yelling at the TV. You told her it was a miracle you weren’t in therapy. She laughed. The real kind. She told you about growing up in a Jewish enclave in Dallas, her econ degree from San Francisco State, and the Marina District apartment she shared with roommates and dreams.

    In the swirling warmth of the hot tub, you slowly cradled her as she floated on her back, spinning gently in your arms like a sun-drunk naiad. You gazed into each other’s eyes like characters in a perfume commercial—if the perfume were melancholy, the top note regret.

    And in that moment, Pamela ceased to exist. You were ready to let Pamela become a dot receding into the horizon, propose to Rachel, adopt a rescue dog, and buy Rachel a two-bedroom Marina District condo with French doors and jasmine on the balcony. Your soul whispered scripture: “And the two shall become one flesh.”

    But just as you leaned into that soon-to-be-legendary kiss, your guilt, or maybe your emotional cowardice, threw a wrench into fate. You stood her upright and mumbled something about having a girlfriend.

    The look on Rachel’s face—that soft, diplomatic devastation—has haunted you ever since. She gave you a gentle out: “You’re probably confused.” And then she disappeared into the changing room like Eurydice stepping into the underworld, and you never saw her again.

    Years passed. Decades. And when life feels like a cruel joke told by someone with bad timing—when you’re depressed, flabby, or existentially irrelevant—you return to that hot tub. You imagine yourself sweeping Rachel off her feet, performing impromptu piano recitals, meeting her doting parents, and becoming the man you wanted to be in that moment: the Hot Tub Stud who followed through.

    But you didn’t. You blinked. You let Eden slip through your fingers, and like all paradise stories, it ended with exile.

    Still, for one hour, you were perfect. You were desired. You were whole.

    And you’ve been chasing that hour ever since.

  • A Portrait of the Artist as a Sweaty Young Man

    A Portrait of the Artist as a Sweaty Young Man

    In the fall of 1979, I was seventeen years old, a freshman in college, and already trapped in the tragicomic theater of my own self-regard. My deltoids were large, my ego fragile, and my sense of fashion—catastrophic. I had shown up that day to the cafeteria in a tight black turtleneck, the kind of garment that might look sleek on a Parisian intellectual but looked positively deranged on a teenage bodybuilder seated alone under sun-drenched plate-glass windows. The sun baked through the glass like a punishment from Apollo himself, and there I sat, moping in a puddle of my own sweat and self-loathing while Jimmy Buffett’s “Margaritaville” chirped mockingly from the jukebox.

    The song, a hymn to sloth and sangria, might as well have been composed to ridicule me personally. I didn’t know how to be carefree. I didn’t sip margaritas or laugh at spilled salt. I sat there glowering at my hamburger like it owed me money.

    College wasn’t a choice; it was a parental ultimatum. My mother, newly divorced and perpetually exasperated, had threatened to eject me from the house if I didn’t enroll. My father, who fed me barbecued steak at his bachelor pad and treated my emotions like a disease he couldn’t contract, declared that my ego—his exact word—was too “delicate” for a job with the sanitation crew. “You’re not built for trash,” he said between bites. “You need a title.” I agreed. I said I needed something white-collar, something that sounded mobile—like it wore loafers and got invited to cocktail parties.

    Yet there I sat, jobless, broke, sweating through a wool turtleneck like a fool in a Russian novel. Just a few weeks earlier, I had been juggling job offers like a hustler on the make. One gig was as a bouncer at a teenage disco called Maverick’s in San Ramon, a temple of polyester and hormonal chaos where high schoolers writhed to the anesthetizing thump of K.C. and the Sunshine Band. I hated everything about that job—the music, the fake glamour, the pretense of authority as I stalked the aisles flexing my lats like I was auditioning for a sequel to Saturday Night Fever: The Security Guard Chronicles.

    My mother’s revolving door of boyfriends didn’t help. One, a Raiders defensive coordinator, had promised me a job moving pianos, which somehow never materialized. Another, Sid Briggs, was allegedly a “businessman” with Teamsters connections and the vague scent of federal indictment. He too promised me a job managing a health club. That never happened either. The only real employment I had was at Maverick’s, which came to a dramatic end during a riot. My fellow bouncer Martino and I decided we were too precious to die for three bucks an hour, so we walked out mid-melee and drove off down Crow Canyon Road. Martino repeated like a monk reciting scripture, “I’m not going to risk my life for three dollars an hour.”

    We were fired. Unceremoniously. I was left with $300 in my checking account and a 1971 metallic brown Ford Galaxy that had just drained me dry with repairs. That car had the elegance of a Soviet tank and handled like one too.

    And now here I was, sulking under the cruel sunlight, marinating in Buffet’s faux-Carribbean nihilism. “Wasting away,” he sang. No kidding.

    At six feet tall and 210 pounds of resentful muscle, I radiated a kind of lonely menace. My professors were afraid of me. People steered clear. I was a human bug zapper. But then came John O’Brien.

    He walked right up to my isolated table like he was planting a flag. Set down his tray, extended a hand, and introduced himself. A compact redhead from Boston with the kind of fast-twitch charisma that usually belongs to politicians or cult leaders. He had moxie, confidence, and a girlfriend who looked like a shampoo commercial. But unlike most people with that kind of glow, he wasn’t a narcissist. He had radar. And he picked up my signal loud and clear: lost kid, no job, no love life, no clue.

    John decided to fix me.

    First, he got me a job. He worked at Jackson’s Wine & Spirits in Berkeley and said, “They need a guy. You’re the guy.” He called me that night with the details. Two days later, I was on the floor learning about merlot and discount vodka.

    Then, with the subtlety of a Vegas magician, he decided to address my romantic failure. He looked across the cafeteria, spotted two stunning nineteen-year-olds, and summoned them with a whistle so loud and precise it could’ve herded cattle. They glided over—one blonde, one with honey-colored hair—and I immediately began sweating like a man having a cardiac episode in church. It was flop sweat, and I couldn’t stop it. I tugged at the neck of my turtleneck like it was trying to strangle me and muttered, “It’s not hot in here.”

    The girls smiled politely, and I squirmed in my own skin like a teenage werewolf caught mid-shift. John watched it all with the amused detachment of a man inspecting a fixer-upper. He had found a dilapidated house—me—and now he was assessing the structural damage.

    He had his work cut out for him.

  • If Cormac McCarthy Wrote a Movie Treatment for The Beatles’ “The Long and Winding Road.” 

    If Cormac McCarthy Wrote a Movie Treatment for The Beatles’ “The Long and Winding Road.” 

    FADE IN:

    A road. It winds through the wastes like a serpent that forgot its own name. Cracked earth on either side. Fence posts like grave markers. Vultures in the sky, circling nothing in particular, just keeping warm. A man walks it. His boots are flayed open. His eyes are sunburned. His soul is a blister dragging itself behind him.

    His name is Lyle. Or maybe Thomas. The script never says. Doesn’t matter. He’s every man who ever wrote a love letter in blood and mailed it into the void.

    He is looking for her. She has no name, just a shape in the distance, a memory braided from perfume and last words. She left him. Maybe twice. Maybe more. He kept the door open. She never knocked.

    The road has been long. Winding. Bleak. It led him through dead towns and ghost motels. Once he stayed in a place where the concierge was a buzzard and the minibar held only regret.

    He speaks not. The road speaks for him. It says:

    Every fool must follow something. You picked hope. Bad draw.

    Flashbacks flicker: A woman, face soft as moonlight, eyes like unpaid debt. She tells him she’s leaving. He says he’ll wait. She laughs. That’s the last thing she gives him. Her laughter. Acid-bright and final.

    Along the road he meets others—pilgrims of delusion.

    One man rides a shopping cart filled with old love songs on cassette.

    One woman sews wedding dresses for brides that never were.

    One child sells maps to places that no longer exist.

    They all walk. They all believe the road leads somewhere. It don’t.

    Eventually, Lyle comes upon a house at the end of the road. It is the house. Her house. Or what’s left of it. The windows are boarded. The door is gone. Inside, just dust, a broken phonograph, and a bird trapped in the chimney, fluttering against the soot.

    He kneels.

    Not to pray. To listen.

    There’s no music. No answer. Only wind. And the bird’s soft thump, thump, thump.

    He lies down. The road curls around him like a noose.

    FADE TO BLACK.

    The final line scrolls in silence:

    Love didn’t leave. It just stopped answering the door.

  • If Cormac McCarthy Wrote a Movie Treatment for Maria Muldaur’s “Midnight at the Oasis”

    If Cormac McCarthy Wrote a Movie Treatment for Maria Muldaur’s “Midnight at the Oasis”

    FADE IN:

    A bone-white desert stretches out beneath a black vault of stars. The dunes are still as sacrificial altars. Somewhere out there, beneath the coyote moon and the ruined tower of Orion, rides a woman of indeterminate age and infinite mischief. She wears a sun hat like a halo. Her sandals leave no prints.

    The camel she rides is named Jeremiah. He does not speak but regards the world with the mournful gaze of a beast who has seen empires fall and lovers lie. His saddle is adorned with silver conches, turquoise fringe, and a little brass bell that tolls only for the damned.

    She comes upon a man.

    He is shirtless, jawline like a blade. Smokes roll-your-owns and speaks in aphorisms. Former bluesman turned snake-oil preacher turned fugitive for a crime he may or may not have committed in Santa Fe, where the sheriff’s daughter still dreams of him and leaves milk out for the scorpions.

    She says

    Midnight at the oasis

    He says

    There’s no such thing as time in this country. Only heat and forgetting.

    They drink wine from a dented canteen and roast cactus blossoms on a fire made of mesquite and ancient regret. The camel chews cud. The stars wheel. A frog laughs somewhere.

    The woman suggests they slip off to a sand dune real soon. Her voice, soft as velvet, carries across the salt-swept wind like prophecy or seduction or both. The man, being a fool or a poet (but never both at once), accepts.

    The desert is watching. It has watched worse.

    They make love like two fugitives hiding from God, beneath constellations older than grammar. Their bodies steam in the moonlight. A lizard judges them and scuttles away.

    At dawn, they are pursued. By whom? Perhaps the woman’s husband. Perhaps bounty hunters. Perhaps just Time, wearing spurs and humming a Carter Family tune. The chase is unspoken but certain.

    The camel refuses to run.

    The woman kisses the man once more and vanishes into a dust devil. Gone. Or maybe never there to begin with.

    The man will ride Jeremiah to the nearest roadhouse and order three fingers of mezcal. He will never again look at the moon without suspicion.

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • The Comedians of Cell Block B

    The Comedians of Cell Block B

    Last night I dreamed I was in a bustling, overlit restaurant packed with the usual suspects—people chewing too loudly, waitstaff dodging elbows, silverware clinking like wind chimes in a windstorm. I was halfway through what I assumed was risotto when I realized two of my teeth had come loose, flapping in my gums like faulty hinges.

    Panicked, I waved down a waiter. He listened gravely, nodded with theatrical sympathy, then pointed toward a man in a white coat weaving through the crowd like a prophet leaving a revival. “That’s Dr. Beltrán,” he said. “Fixes teeth. Fixes lives. If you move now, you might catch him before he ascends to the exit sign.”

    So I followed. Fast forward to the next day: I’m in a waiting room that looked more like a casting call for eccentric sitcom roles. Among the crowd sat a married couple, both comedians. Raffi, a Canadian import with the weary charisma of someone who’s done too many festivals, and Tina, his statuesque, golden-haired wife, radiantly pregnant and visibly amused by the absurdity of her own life.

    Turns out Raffi and I had gone to college together, which gave our small talk the sheen of nostalgia. Tina, meanwhile, was the sort of woman you describe as a “former beauty queen” only because it sounds more manageable than “mythical being with a driver’s license.”

    Then the tone shifted. They told me they were serving life sentences. Yes—life sentences—for misreading pesticide instructions. About five years ago, they’d tried to fumigate their house for fleas and spiders but sprayed an industrial outdoor poison all over their bedroom carpet. Their organs liquefied. They almost died. When they recovered, they were arrested. The terms of their punishment? Eternal residence in a dungeon—an actual pitch-black basement beneath a towering apartment block. They were allowed out only for comedy gigs. Art, apparently, still mattered to the state.

    Dental work complete, Raffi left for Canada to perform at a club. Tina, contractions ticking in her belly like a countdown timer, insisted on showing me the dungeon. The space was a horror. Not just black-as-night oppressive, but physically punishing—an absurdly low ceiling crisscrossed by thick beams of lumbar that made it feel like you were crawling through a collapsed IKEA warehouse.

    So I did what any good houseguest-slash-dream hero would do: I went to the nearest hardware store, returned with a comically oversized saw, and spent the afternoon hacking through beams like a man possessed. Tina cheered me on from a folding chair, one hand on her belly, the other clutching her flip phone, waiting for Raffi’s call.

    When I finished, the dungeon felt ever so slightly less apocalyptic. She looked at me and said, “I think the baby’s coming.” I nodded like I’d just finished installing a light fixture. My work here was done.

  • The Manuscript Awakens: A Dugout Vision from the Collective Unconscious

    The Manuscript Awakens: A Dugout Vision from the Collective Unconscious

    Last night I dreamed I was striding across a wind-blown grassy knoll, the kind of landscape that smells faintly of unresolved ambitions and freshly cut ego. Out of nowhere—because where else do these things happen?—a panel of vaguely official-looking figures appeared, cloaked in bureaucratic smugness, and awarded me the managerial reins of a baseball team unlike any other: it was helmed, inexplicably yet inevitably, by Leonardo DiCaprio.

    Yes, that DiCaprio—Oscar-winner, yacht philosopher, professional man-child. He looked fantastic in cleats.

    Suddenly, the gentle slope of the grassy knoll rippled like a stage set being pulled away, and in its place emerged a full-fledged baseball diamond, etched into the earth as if by divine groundskeepers. The green gave way to precisely mowed outfield grass, bordered by crisp white chalk lines that glowed with supernatural brightness. Dugouts pushed up from the soil like subterranean bunkers, complete with splintered benches and battered Gatorade coolers. Bleachers unfolded in rows, metallic and sun-bleached, teeming with phantom spectators whose shadows twitched in anticipation. The air smelled of dust, pine tar, and something mythic.

    As I issued cryptic signals from a dugout made of dark oak and existential dread, DiCaprio tore around the bases with uncanny precision. But this wasn’t just sport. Oh no. With every base he stole, something stirred beneath the soil. From the Earth, like some hallucinatory literary harvest, lost manuscripts erupted like weeds on speed—scrolls, journals, forgotten novels. Some of them were mine, written decades ago in youthful fits of desperation and pretension. But they were no longer mine. They belonged to the collective unconscious, that vast psychic compost heap where dead dreams go to reincarnate as New York Times bestsellers or cult manifestos.

    As DiCaprio sprinted toward third, the text of the manuscripts began rewriting themselves, transforming into the ideological scripture of a new world order dictated by stolen bases and film star footwork.

    Enter Lanai, a high school friend I hadn’t seen since dial-up internet. She appeared on the dugout steps like a ghost of poor choices past and announced that she had reformed her life through the Quincy Jones Art Club, a kind of gospel-jazz cult devoted to self-mastery, syncopation, and the sacred key of B-flat minor.

    “You should join,” she said, her eyes glowing with the fervor of someone who had clearly renounced sugar, sarcasm, and casual sex.

    “I might,” I lied, “but I’m managing DiCaprio right now and the stakes are cosmically high.”

    Before she could argue, Quincy Jones himself descended like an archangel in a powder-blue zoot suit, easily seven feet tall, smelling faintly of vinyl records, Chanel Bleu, and omniscience. He shook my hand. Electricity pulsed through my forearm. His voice—equal parts gravel, genius, and benevolent threat—delivered a sermon about his artistic path: discipline, vision, excellence.

    I tried to listen. Truly. But my attention was being hijacked by the spectacle on the field: DiCaprio sliding into home as epic sentences unfurled from the ground like flaming banners, edited in real-time by forces unseen. The crowd roared, their faces blurred like a dream I was about to forget.

    And through it all, I wondered: Was I the manager, or just another rewriter of forgotten dreams?

  • Meet the Timepiece Whisperer

    Meet the Timepiece Whisperer

    Chapter 6 of The Timepiece Whisperer

    At 6 a.m., I rose like a guilty priest on purge day and loaded my Honda Accord with a museum of failure. Each item whispered its own shame: busted radios that once sang, fans that blew nothing but despair, fossilized laptops gasping through Windows XP, iPads ghosted by iOS updates, a humidifier that wheezed its final death rattle in 2018, and a landmine of corroded batteries that could’ve earned me a write-up from the EPA.

    By 8:00, I was cruising down the 110 South, my car bloated with the technological detritus of a man who once believed that stuff—stuff!—might soothe an inner void. I exited Pacific Avenue and found myself crawling through a wasteland of rebar, chain-link fences, and brush thick enough to hide a body or two. It was less Los Angeles and more post-apocalyptic novella. A landscape haunted by discarded dreams and the occasional tented soul whose only offense was being born poor.

    After a slow-motion bounce over some railroad tracks, I veered down a bleak gravel path until I arrived at 8:50 to find a tarp flapping over what I assume someone dared to call a facility. It looked like a wedding tent designed by Satan’s party planner, squatting in front of a cinder-block warehouse that smelled like ozone and bureaucratic indifference.

    Ahead of me, a small line of sedans idled like supplicants outside a radiation baptism. Signs warned against bringing poisons, rotting food, firearms, explosives, and—oddly—crop waste. Another sign warned me not to exit my vehicle, eat, or drink, presumably because the combination of trail mix and lithium-ion residue could create a chemical lovechild that incinerated San Pedro.

    A silver SUV from Washington State attempted to cut the line, realized it had wandered into the wrong apocalypse, and peeled out in a plume of toxic dust that settled on our windshields like the aftermath of a low-budget nuke.

    By 9:00, the caravan had doubled. My rearview mirror showed a parade of shame stretching down the gravel like a funeral procession for the Age of Gadgets. Then she arrived—a smiling woman in an orange vest and clip-on radio. Clipboard in hand, she went car-to-car like a cheerful customs agent at the border of human depravity. When she got to me, I rattled off my cargo. Her nod was practiced. I suspect her real job was twofold: assess whether I was harboring illegal pesticides, and determine if I looked like the kind of man who’d stuff a body under an old humidifier.

    Eventually, I popped my trunk. Men in uniforms descended with the solemnity of pallbearers. They removed the items with clinical grace, not a single eyebrow raised at my hoarder shame. I thanked them. They nodded like undertakers who’d buried a thousand dreams before mine.

    Lighter by fifty pounds and several psychic burdens, I pulled away, my soul humming with moral superiority and the faint possibility of radiation poisoning. For a brief moment, I felt whole.

    Then came the craving.

    The Seiko Astron.

    The Watch Master had warned me. Had pleaded for restraint. But there it was again, the whisper in my mind, the itch in my wrist. By the time I got home, I was already spiraling. So I returned to the Watch Master’s house for counsel, but his front door was answered by a red-bearded mountain of a man who looked like he’d just wandered out of a Nordic crime novel.

    “Josh,” he said, extending a paw. “I’m the Timepiece Whisperer.”

    “What happened to the Watch Master?”

    “Dead. Stomachache. Went to bed and never woke up.”

    “And you’re… what, the sequel?”

    “That’s for you to decide.”

    Josh made me an iced coffee, honey and cinnamon. It tasted like guilt sweetened with denial.

    We sat at the kitchen table, a graveyard of coffee rings and philosophical despair.

    “So what’s troubling you, my friend?”

    “I’m almost sixty-four. I own seven watches. I want an eighth. Am I doomed?”

    He slurped his drink, crunched an ice cube, and nodded solemnly.

    “That depends. Are we talking about eight timepieces? Or eight identities, eight moods, eight regrets?”

    I blinked.

    He leaned forward. “If you’re still hunting, still haunted, then yes—eight is too many. You don’t have a collection. You have a symptom. But if you’ve made peace—if each watch has its rightful place in your little opera of masculinity—then eight is a symphony. A curated exhibit. A spiritual wardrobe.”

    Then he tilted his head. “The real question is: Are you wearing the watches, or are they wearing you?”

    I wilted. I wanted to shrink into the upholstery.

    “I want the Astron to be the closer. I want to stop at eight. But history tells me I won’t. I go through the honeymoon, get bored, scratch the itch with another watch, and end up miserable. My collection isn’t a triumph. It’s a cry for help.”

    Josh chuckled, then howled, then nearly fell off his chair.

    “Now we’re getting somewhere. You think this is about timepieces? No, my friend. This is about you.”

    Then he called for backup.

    First came John, a zombie in slippers with bags under his eyes deep enough to hold grief. “Sell everything,” he said, “and get a Tudor Pelagos. End of story.” Then he stared at his slipper hole like it owed him money and shuffled off.

    Then came Gary, a cheerful human protein shake in a Lycra tracksuit.

    “Let the man buy the Astron,” he chirped. “Make it eight. Just get him a sponsor, a support group, maybe a hotline. The poor bastard needs this.”

    Then John stormed back, furious. “I said one watch!”

    Words escalated. Soon they were locked in a full-blown wrestling match, crashing into the walls like toddlers in a padded room. Josh laughed like a man watching Fight Club on loop and eventually threw both of them into the basement.

    He stood at the door, listening to the thumps and groans like it was jazz.

    “That,” he said, his eyes shining, “is the debate. One watch or many. Order or chaos. Simplicity or delirium.”

    I got up to leave.

    “What’s the rush?” he asked.

    “I’ve seen enough.”

    “You’ll be back.”

    “What makes you so sure?”

    Josh smiled. “Because you’re desperate.”

  • One Watch to Rule the Rest

    One Watch to Rule the Rest

    The next evening, under the same milky moonlight and sipping from a chipped mug that looked like it had survived a bar fight, the Watch Master laid it out:

    “If you want salvation,” he said, voice gravelly and smug, “you must walk through fire. And that fire, my friend, is called owning one watch. Not three. Not two. One.”

    He sipped, smirked, and let the pronouncement hang in the air like incense—or maybe judgment.

    My stomach dropped.

    “That would mean no Seiko Astron. Not only that, I’d have to sell six watches and keep just one.”

    He nodded slowly. “Your math is astounding.”

    “But… which one?”

    He tilted his head, as if I were asking him what color the sky was.

    “You already know.”

    Of course I did. There’s a photo of me on the Santa Monica Pier, the sun melting into the Pacific behind me, gulls circling overhead, breeze in my face, and on my wrist: the Seiko Uemura, black Divecore strap, rugged and unpretentious. That wasn’t just a picture. It was a mirror. That version of me looked content—anchored. Whole.

    I told the Watch Master about the photo. He nodded like a man who’d just heard someone read their own obituary correctly.

    “Every true addict has a signature watch,” he said. “But most of them are too busy playing collector cosplay to recognize it. Instead, they sabotage their joy, clutter their soul, and call it a ‘hobby.’ Worse, they bond with other broken men, enabling each other with dopamine high-fives. That’s where you are. The fray.”

    “So I’d have to cut ties… abandon my watch circle.”

    “Not a circle. A kennel. A cacophony of barked opinions and Instagram wrist shots. Remember: lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas.”

    “They’re not dogs. They’re human beings.”

    “Sure. Dogs with Venmo.”

    I sighed. “I don’t have many options, do I?”

    “You do,” he said. “You can become the bloated lounge demon from your dream, if that’s the life you want. Slathered in regret, bejeweled in denial.”

    “How do I get out?”

    He leaned in, eyes suddenly sharp.

    “You already know.”

    “Sell the six,” I said. “Feels like amputating my foot.”

    “Better to sell watches than sever limbs. Less blood.”

    “So I walk away. Keep the Uemura. Wear it like old jeans and just… let it be.”

    “You must die to be reborn,” he said, yawning like a lion after a kill. “But only if you want to. Telling people to choose life is exhausting. Go home. Sleep on it. Come back tomorrow.”

    And just like that, he vanished into the darkness of his sagging Victorian like a prophet with bedtime boundaries.

  • The Watch Potency Principle and the Man Who Couldn’t Count to Eight

    The Watch Potency Principle and the Man Who Couldn’t Count to Eight

    Chapter 2 from The Timepiece Whisperer of Redondo Beach

    The Watch Master accepted my Venmo transfer—five grand, no questions asked. He nodded like a monk receiving an offering, commending me for “putting my money where my mouth is,” as if throwing cash at the problem proved I was spiritually ready to shed my horological demons. Then he sent me home with a single directive: return the next night with all seven of my watches arranged in one box for evaluation.

    At precisely 10 p.m., under a bloated moon that cast an eerie glow across the red roof tiles of his dilapidated Redondo Beach bungalow, I stood in his living room. The Master’s pale, angular face looked freshly excavated from a tomb. He gestured for the box.

    He opened it. Seven divers—six Seikos and a lonely Citizen—gleamed under the yellowed light of a hanging stained-glass lamp.

    “Good,” he said, scanning the collection with the intensity of a mortician identifying a corpse. “All divers. That shows thematic restraint. You’re not a complete degenerate.”

    He picked up each Seiko, held it to his eye like a jeweler, then scoffed. “You baby these. When’s the last time you actually swam? Clinton administration?”

    He chuckled at his own joke, which I pretended not to hear.

    His bony fingers closed around the Citizen. “Hmm. Titanium case and bracelet. The others are all on straps. This inconsistency must be clawing at your OCD like a raccoon under drywall.”

    I nodded.

    “Sell it,” he said flatly. “It’s feeding your misery.”

    “But what about the Seiko Astron I’ve been eyeing? That one has a titanium bracelet too.”

    “Yes. And that’s not the least of your problems.” He sipped his black coffee—no cream, no joy. “You’re teetering on the edge of a collecting abyss. The Citizen’s already rotting your center. Add one more watch, and your soul will be lost to cluttered mediocrity.”

    “But the Astron—it’s beautiful,” I protested.

    “Of course it is,” he said, shrugging. “So is opium. Doesn’t mean you should buy a kilo.”

    I tried to recover. “It’s the Watch Potency Principle, right? The more watches you own, the more you dilute the power of each one.”

    He looked up sharply. “So you have read my work. Then why can’t you live by it? You recite the commandments, but break them before sunrise. Your brain and behavior are locked in bitter divorce.”

    “I just need a plan,” I said. “What do I do?”

    “Purge,” he said, as if uttering a sacred mantra.

    “Purge?”

    “Start with the titanium Citizen. Shed that one, then we’ll talk next steps.”

    “Our next move?”

    He sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re exhausting. Come back tomorrow at ten sharp. And for God’s sake, don’t buy anything in the meantime.”

  • No One Gets Out of Here Alive

    No One Gets Out of Here Alive

    Chapter 1 of the Timepiece Whisperer of Redondo Beach

    Late one night, I found myself piloting my car through the hushed streets of Redondo Beach, past manicured lawns and hedges trimmed with neurosis, until I arrived at the blight in paradise: a hulking, lichen-tinged Victorian heap that looked like it had been shipped in from Transylvania on a dare. This was the home of the Watch Master—a reclusive oracle to the chronometrically cursed, a man whispered about in collector circles the way children whisper about the Boogeyman.

    The Master was once a studio guitarist in the ’70s, back when coke was a food group and solos could last nine minutes. He’d since traded fretboards for bezels, amassing a fortune in wrist candy—most of it gifted by rock gods in states of manic gratitude. Yet despite his vault of horological riches, he wore only a battered G-Shock Square with a scratched acrylic face that looked like it had survived a tour in Fallujah. He wore it like a monk wears a hair shirt.

    He answered the door barefoot, his jeans collapsing around his ankles like they’d given up. A Led Zeppelin shirt sagged off his wiry frame, and his hair, silver and stubborn, was pulled back from a gleaming bald crown. His beard was a frizzled thicket, somewhere between Rasputin and an abandoned Brillo pad.

    “What’s your problem?” he asked, voice rough as gravel and just as warm.

    I didn’t flinch. “I own seven watches. That’s my limit. Any more and I spiral. Emotional collapse, obsessive thoughts, buyer’s remorse, the whole circus. But I saw a Seiko Astron—the blue-dial SSJ013J1—and now I need it. Crave it. Is there any way to prepare my psyche for an eighth watch without descending into madness?”

    He stared at me like I’d just asked if I could take up recreational black tar heroin “responsibly.”

    “You’re asking how to rationalize a relapse,” he said. “That’s like asking if there’s a polite way to punch yourself in the throat.”

    And with that, he opened the door wider and let me in.

    The Watch Master squinted at me through the porch light haze, as if sizing up a man who’d brought his own shackles and wanted help tightening them. He scratched his beard, winced like my  question had given him tinnitus, and finally spoke:

    “So let me get this straight. You’ve reached your personal watch ceiling—seven tickers, your magic number, your horological emotional support grid. And now you want to blow a hole in the hull with a satellite-synced Seiko spaceship that tells time in Tokyo, Toledo, and the twelfth ring of Saturn. And you’re asking me how to prepare your psyche for this?”

    He stepped back into the house and waved me in. “Come inside, pilgrim. I need a drink before I answer that.”

    Once in the dark-paneled den, surrounded by velvet paintings of Hendrix and a lava lamp that looked clinically depressed, he continued:

    “You don’t need an eighth watch. You need a spiritual bypass. The Seiko Astron isn’t a timepiece. It’s a cry for help dressed in sapphire crystal. You’re not telling time—you’re telling yourself a story: that the right watch will rescue you from restlessness. You’re like a man trying to fix a leaky roof with a diamond-encrusted hammer. Beautiful tool, wrong job.”

    He leaned in. “So if you must buy it, do this first: Write a eulogy for the peace of mind you once had at seven watches. Light a candle. Say goodbye to balance. Then hit ‘add to cart.’ And remember: when the remorse creeps in—and it will—just whisper to yourself what we all know in this house of horological horrors: No one gets out of here alive.”

    I repeated the Watch Master’s words, “No one gets out of here alive.” Then I said, “I was told you could help me with my problem. All I’m asking is that you help prepare my psyche for an eighth watch. I want you to help me prepare for this Seiko Astron as an Exit Watch. I heard you could do this for me. I had assurances. I gave you five hundred dollars. I was expecting more than a scolding.”

    The Watch Master squinted at me through a cloud of sandalwood incense, scratched his sun-damaged scalp, and said:

    “Five hundred dollars gets you a scolding. A thousand gets you a metaphor. If you want catharsis, enlightenment, and a stable seven-watch rotation, you’re looking at premium pricing. And as for an Exit Watch?” —he let out a low chuckle— “That’s like asking a bourbon addict for one last glass to sober up.”

    He leaned closer, the scratched G-Shock catching a glint of porch light. “You don’t want an Exit Watch. You want absolution. And I don’t do sacraments—I do timekeeping.”

    “So you want more money.”

    “Of course. The five hundred was for the privilege to just see me. If you want an Exit Watch, that will cost you.”

    “The Astron is close to two grand.”

    “Peanuts. If you want to close this deal, pay me five grand, and I’ll make your troubles go away.”

    I was desperate. “Venmo or Paypal,” I said.

    “Now we’re talking.”