Cinemorphosis

Category: music

  • Cognitive Lag Drift Meets the Frogman’s Calm

    Cognitive Lag Drift Meets the Frogman’s Calm

    Camp Flog Gnaw sounds like the name of an enormous toothy cartoon monster, but it was a weekend-long bacchanal of sound and sweat for my wife and our twin daughters, two days of music and mayhem baked under the unforgiving Los Angeles sun. My wife braved the trip on Friday and came home looking like a survivor of a maritime disaster, muttering that leaving Dodger Stadium traffic was like trying to escape a collapsing pyramid. She begged me to handle Sunday drop-off and assured me they would Uber home like civilized people. Armed with a “Fast Pass” for the 110 North, I engaged Google Maps, which promptly betrayed me and sent me barreling into downtown—an urban obstacle course specifically engineered to destroy men my age. Pedestrians sprang into the street like feral pigeons, daring me to earn a manslaughter charge. Driverless Waymo cars drifted past me with pastel-lit antennae, cheerful like clown hearses guiding me into the underworld. The lanes themselves seemed painted by committee: solid, dashed, turning, not turning, red, green, “maybe stop,” “maybe don’t”—a psychedelic optical exam administered at 20 mph.

    I began to notice a quiet but unsettling shift in my driving. Two hazards arrived at the same time, like conspirators who had compared notes. First, the road itself had changed. It no longer presented information—it assaulted me with it. Screens glowed, dashboards pulsed, alerts chimed, and every passing car seemed to flash some new digital signature. The highway had become a carnival of LEDs.

    Second—and less forgiving—was what was happening inside my own head. My processing speed had slowed just enough to matter. Not dramatically. Not catastrophically. Just enough to turn split-second decisions into small negotiations. And driving is no place for negotiation. The convergence of these two developments created Cognitive Lag Drift: the subtle but consequential slowing of mental processing speed that impairs real-time decision-making in high-stakes environments like driving, where milliseconds matter.

    The result was a kind of sensory overload paired with cognitive lag—a bad marriage. What used to feel like a calm, controlled glide now felt like I was trying to play a video game while someone flicked the lights on and off in rapid succession. The margin for error hadn’t changed. I had.

    Driving was no longer serene. It was a test I hadn’t agreed to take.

    And yet—strangely—on my wrist sat a counterargument. My Casio G-Shock Frogman did not flash, negotiate, or editorialize. It did not offer lane suggestions, heart rate, moral encouragement, or existential commentary. It simply displayed the time in large, unapologetic numerals, like a monk who has taken a vow of clarity. No animations. No alerts. No betrayal. In a world where every screen demands interpretation, the Frogman delivers a verdict: 5:42. That’s it. No subtext, no narrative arc, no committee-painted ambiguity. The road may have turned into a casino of stimuli and my brain into a cautious bureaucrat, but the watch remains a quiet tyrant of precision. I glance down and feel, for a fleeting second, that order is still possible—that somewhere in this strobe-lit madness, truth can be reduced to a number that does not argue back.

    When I finally dropped off my wife and daughters, I whispered a confession to my wife: “I’m done with this. I think I’m giving my Accord to you, and the other car to the girls. I’m retiring from the driving game.” They didn’t laugh; they’ve seen cracks in the armor. I’m a high-strung man, and at sixty-four, the neurons don’t fire like they used to. I can still handle a five-mile radius around my house—my personal demilitarized zone—but pull me into the wilds of Los Angeles traffic and I’m ready to hang up my driver’s jersey. Downtown LA isn’t a city. It’s a gladiatorial arena where the young come to dominate, and I say to myself, “This is no country for old men.”

  • The Frogman and the Music of Atlantis

    The Frogman and the Music of Atlantis

    My junior year of high school was my “Deacon Blues” year. I wore it like a religious creed. The song played, and I nodded along as if I’d been admitted to some nocturnal order of the misunderstood. Only decades later did I realize the joke was on me. The narrator isn’t a tragic hero; he’s a suburban man with a good stereo and a better imagination, building a flattering alternate reality to anesthetize his boredom. What I mistook for transcendence was mood lighting. I wasn’t ascending; I was dimming the room.

    Satire thrives on mockery because it exposes the soft spots we’d rather not touch. But self-mockery can metastasize. It can turn your life into a punchline so comprehensive that nothing is left standing—not even the truth that your choices matter. High stakes persist whether you acknowledge them or not. We are, to put it plainly, creatures who want more than a clever story about ourselves. We want something that holds when the music stops.

    For that, I have to go back a year. I was a sophomore who encountered “Zoom,” written by Lionel Richie and Ronald LaPread of The Commodores. The song arrived like a quiet command. You can hear the Gospel in its bones—the upward pull, the refusal to collapse into self. The voice in “Zoom” isn’t asking for a better seat at the table; it’s asking for the table to be remade so everyone can eat. It’s not self-improvement. It’s a prayer for shared elevation.

    I remember where I was when it came on—KSFX, KSOL—the speakers on my Realistic Radio Shack clock radio doing their best, the world suddenly holding its breath. I stopped. Not figuratively. I stopped. The song spoke to my heart: Be better. Not for your reputation, not for your résumé—for people. That’s a different order of demand.

    That same year, “Voyage to Atlantis” by The Isley Brothers performed a similar operation. It promised return—home not as geography but as fidelity, as a place you carry and keep. Between those two songs was a paradox I could feel even if I couldn’t name it: you root yourself in a clean intention, and from that grounding you rise. No theatrics required. No persona. Just alignment.

    Listening to them felt like church without the building. Something gathered. Something clarified. You left with less noise and more direction.

    What is music, after all, if not the part of life that refuses translation and still manages to tell the truth?

    Which brings me to an embarrassment I’ll risk anyway: in watch circles, we talk about a “grail” watch that will “sing” on the wrist. It’s a ridiculous phrase—until it isn’t. Because this hulking slab of resin I’m wearing—the G-Shock Frogman—does something adjacent to that metaphor. It doesn’t produce music. It points to it. It behaves like a reference, a small, stubborn reminder that there is a cleaner version of me available if I’d like to stop auditioning and start choosing.

    The Frogman is not an upgrade. It’s an accusation shaped like a tool. It suggests a man with a steadier pulse, a man less interested in narrating his life and more interested in living it. A man who could hear “Zoom” and “Voyage to Atlantis” and respond the way that sophomore did—by stopping, by listening, by letting the moment ask something of him.

    I don’t need to recover youth. I need to recover that pause—the willingness to be addressed by something better and not immediately turn it into a story about myself.

    The songs didn’t change. I did.

    The question is whether I can change back.

  • Tragedy Laundering in the Age of Vibes

    Tragedy Laundering in the Age of Vibes

    Shirley Li takes aim at what she calls the CliffNotes treatment of classic films—works shaved down, sweetened up, and repackaged for audiences who want the aura of culture without the burden of confronting it. Shakespeare, once a blood-soaked anatomist of ambition and ruin, now gets rinsed through the aesthetic of Taylor Swift. In this new register, tragedy doesn’t end in death; it stalls just long enough for a handsome savior to materialize on cue. Consider “The Fate of Ophelia,” where despair is airbrushed into rescue, and consequence dissolves into a soft-focus finale. The title lingered with me because I’d joked to my students a month earlier that I’d heard the song on Coffee House and found it embarrassingly overwrought—an avalanche of sentiment masquerading as profundity.

    Hollywood, never one to miss a profitable dilution, has joined the exercise. Emerald Fennell’s take on Wuthering Heights and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s reworking of Bride of Frankenstein into The Bride! arrive pre-softened, their rough edges filed down to avoid drawing blood. The originals demanded something of the audience—patience, discomfort, moral stamina. The remakes offer a tour: quick, glossy, and politely unchallenging.

    Li names the trend with surgical accuracy: “the rise of CliffNotes Cinema—watered-down transformations that offer glossy but thin summaries of the originals and strip away the challenging material that helped turn them into cultural mainstays in the first place.” That sentence does the autopsy. What’s left after the procedure is a body that looks intact from a distance but has been emptied of organs.

    Should we be alarmed? Yes, because the sweetness isn’t accidental; it’s diagnostic. These remakes signal a culture inching toward infantilization—hungry for reassurance, allergic to ambiguity, and convinced that gravity can be outsourced to wardrobe. Give the audience a fairy tale that flatters its appetites, but dress it in canonical clothing so it can pretend it just attended a seminar. Call this Tragedy Laundering: the conversion of moral difficulty into marketable comfort, where death becomes a scheduling inconvenience and ambiguity a branding problem.

    A culture marinated in TikTok loops, cute-animal dopamine, and the immaculate emotional arcs of Taylor Swift’s pop maximalism will predictably resist the adult weather systems of the classics. It wants its cod liver oil chased with honey—and increasingly, it wants the honey first, the oil omitted. The result is a literature of safety: all vibe, no verdict; all sheen, no sting.

  • Losing My Religion and Moving to G-Shock Avenue

    Losing My Religion and Moving to G-Shock Avenue

    The watch obsessive is not built for moderation. He does not dabble; he converts. Every new habit arrives like a revelation. Kettlebells are not exercise—they are a doctrine. Veganism is not a diet—it is a moral awakening. Yoga is not stretching—it is a portal. Watch collecting is not a hobby—it is a worldview. For this personality, change is never incremental. It is seismic. Each new pursuit feels like joining a movement, crossing a border, renouncing a former life in favor of a larger, more meaningful order.

    Eric Hoffer, in The True Believer, understood this temperament long before the first unboxing video. The True Believer is drawn to total transformation, fueled by a chronic dissatisfaction with stagnation and the quiet suspicion that life, as currently configured, is insufficient. The appeal of any new system—fitness, philosophy, or timepieces—is its promise of renewal, structure, and identity. The danger, of course, is intensity without insulation. When the believer commits, he commits completely. Nuance is weakness. Doubt is betrayal.

    I remember the moment my own conversion instinct detonated. It was 2005. I had been faithfully attending gyms since the Nixon administration, but there I was at forty-three, trapped on a stair-stepper, surrounded by blaring pop music, multiple televisions tuned to courtroom melodrama, and a crowd of spandex philosophers discussing their protein strategies. The revelation hit me like a heavyweight uppercut: I had to get out. Not tomorrow. Now.

    In the pre-social-media wilderness, I found my escape route—home training through yoga DVDs by Bryan Kest and Rodney Yee. What they offered was intoxicating: rigor without noise, intensity without spectacle, effort in solitude. No parking lots. No smoothie counters. No communal cold-virus dispensers disguised as cardio machines. I trained in silence, in sweat, in control. It felt less like exercise and more like discovering the operating manual for my own nervous system. Naturally, I became an evangelist. True Believers don’t quietly improve their lives; they recruit.

    That same year delivered another conversion event: my first serious watch, a Citizen Ecozilla. What followed was a twenty-year descent into horological theology. Eventually I became known as a Seiko man, a defender of the mechanical diver, a parishioner in the Church of Spring Drive and Hardlex. Seiko was not merely a brand. It was an identity system. It explained who I was.

    Which raises the uncomfortable question: is it still?

    Recently, a G-Shock Frogman took up permanent residence on my wrist. The Seikos remain in their box, silent and increasingly irrelevant. Worse, they no longer evoke romance. They remind me of anxiety—tracking accuracy, managing rotations, maintaining the machinery of enthusiasm. The Frogman, by contrast, feels like the day I left the gym for my quiet yoga cave: simple, dependable, frictionless. Not excitement. Relief.

    This is the part Hoffer understood that enthusiasts often ignore. The True Believer doesn’t just convert. He also deconverts. Sometimes the system that once promised liberation begins to feel like confinement. When that happens, the exit feels less like betrayal and more like a jailbreak.

    Have I left Seiko for good? I don’t know. Ask me in a year. True Believers are notoriously unreliable narrators of their own permanence.

    But lately, there’s a soundtrack playing in the background—R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion.” And the song isn’t really about religion. It’s about release.

    What it describes is something we might call Deconversion Relief: the quiet exhale that comes when a former passion stops demanding emotional tribute and loosens its grip. There is no dramatic announcement. The forums simply grow quieter in your mind. The old grails lose their authority. What once felt urgent now feels optional, like a city you once lived in but no longer feel compelled to visit. The change arrives not with adrenaline but with space—lighter mornings, fewer mental tabs open, less internal negotiation.

    It’s a strange realization. The new high isn’t excitement.

    It’s peace.

    And for the former True Believer, that may be the most radical conversion of all.

  • Cultural Laundering: How Icons Lose Their Soul

    Cultural Laundering: How Icons Lose Their Soul

    Something strange happened to Dark Side of the Moon. It didn’t fade. It didn’t age. It got laundered.

    The damage began when a Circuit City commercial decided the album’s atmosphere was perfect for selling surround sound. The ad ran constantly—radio, television, everywhere—until the music stopped belonging to Pink Floyd and started belonging to electronics. The songs no longer opened a private space; they demonstrated speaker range. Listening became confusing, like running into an old friend who now works exclusively as a showroom model.

    The music itself hadn’t changed, but the experience had. Its emotional chemistry felt altered. The closest comparison is a fine wool sweater tossed into a hot wash and a brutal dry cycle. You pull it out and the fibers are technically still there, but the shape is warped, the color dulled, the elegance gone. Popular culture does not use the gentle setting. It scours, shrinks, and standardizes. What comes back looks familiar and feels counterfeit.

    This isn’t an indictment of Dark Side of the Moon. The loss isn’t in the album. The loss is in the relationship. I simply can’t hear it the way I once did.

    The Beatles present the same problem on a larger scale. Their music arrives with a convoy—decades of mythology, endless airplay, cultural worship. Some songs have been polished into museum glass. I don’t dislike “Blackbird.” I’m exhausted by it. I could go the rest of my life without hearing it again. Yet “Hey Jude” and “Something” still breathe for me. Not everything survives the laundering equally.

    The same phenomenon explains my resistance to Rolex. The watches may be superb, but the brand has been scrubbed and pressed into a universal symbol of success. People who know nothing about watches know Rolex. That level of cultural saturation creates distance. I’m not looking at a tool or a piece of craft. I’m looking at a billboard strapped to a wrist.

    In this sense, “Blackbird” is a Rolex—iconic, immaculate, and emotionally unreachable. But Paul McCartney after the Beatles feels different. Those solo records land with less mythology and more humanity. They feel like Tudor: born from the shadow of a giant, technically serious, culturally quieter, and easier to meet on personal terms. My preference for Tudor over Rolex isn’t about specifications. It’s about psychological noise.

    The pattern behind all this is Cultural Laundering. This is what happens when art goes through the cultural washing machine and comes out bright, recognizable, and strangely dead. Repetition, advertising, branding, and mass exposure scrub away texture, risk, and private meaning until the work stops feeling like an encounter and starts functioning like a symbol. The song hasn’t changed. The watch hasn’t changed. The audience has been crowded out. You’re no longer meeting the work itself—you’re meeting its reputation, its marketing history, and the millions of people who got there before you. Nothing has been altered chemically. Everything has been altered psychologically. The artifact survives. The intimacy doesn’t.

  • The Psychology of Watch Regret

    The Psychology of Watch Regret

    Many watch obsessives suffer from a peculiar torment: they cannot live with a certain watch—and they cannot live without it.

    I know men who have bought, sold, and rebought the same Seiko Tuna a dozen times. Some have done the same dance with the MM300. The watch leaves. Relief follows. Then memory begins its quiet revision. The flaws soften. The virtues glow. Soon the search begins again.

    If you stay in this hobby long enough, you may find yourself performing the same ritual.

    First comes infatuation. The watch arrives. For a few weeks it feels inevitable, permanent, right. Then something shifts. It wears too large. Too heavy. Too shiny. Too common. The magic drains out. Now the watch feels like a mistake that must be corrected immediately.

    You list it on eBay. You price it aggressively. You take the loss. You feel lighter, cleaner, restored.

    Three months later you’re browsing photos of the very same model.

    This time it looks perfect.

    You buy it back at full price.

    The cycle repeats. Sell low. Buy high. Repeat until the watch has cost you the price of a small used car. Some collectors eventually place the piece in a safe—not for protection from thieves, but from themselves.

    There is a darker variation.

    You sell the watch. Regret arrives. You go looking for it again.

    But now it’s gone.

    No listings. No used examples. No inventory anywhere. The watch has slipped into the market’s shadow, and your memory transforms it into something mythic. You dream about it. You refresh search pages like a man checking hospital monitors. You wake up with the emotional intensity of a breakup and the soundtrack of the Chi-Lites playing somewhere in your head.

    Have you seen her?

    This condition has a name: The Acquisition Reversal Loop—the compulsive pattern in which a collector sells a watch to escape dissatisfaction, only to experience renewed desire and repurchase the same model, often at repeated financial loss.

    The loop is not about watches. It is about unstable desire.

    A healthy hobby is supposed to add pleasure and structure to your life. The Acquisition Reversal Loop does the opposite. It erodes judgment. Preferences become volatile. Decisions become emotional. The collector begins to resemble a child—grabbing, rejecting, reclaiming, and insisting that this time the object will finally make everything right.

    This is not enthusiasm. It is regression.

    At this point the watches are no longer possessions. They are orbiting objects in a private gravitational field of anxiety and impulse.

    And when a hobby turns into a system that repeatedly empties your wallet, disturbs your peace, and overrides your judgment, it is no longer a pastime.

    It is a small, well-lit prison.

    The question is no longer which watch to buy.

    The question is how—and whether—you intend to leave.

  • Why You Can’t Pursue the Watch Hobby in Solitude

    Why You Can’t Pursue the Watch Hobby in Solitude

    I should have known at thirteen that seventeen would be brutal. At thirteen, Janis Ian’s “At Seventeen” was already circulating through the house like a prophecy. I liked the song well enough, but my mother loved it. It was her time machine back to high school—loneliness, rejection, the ache of not measuring up. More than once I watched her eyes fill as the song drifted out of our Panasonic portable radio. That was her loneliness anthem. I needed my own. Mine was “Watching and Waiting” by the Moody Blues—a song for someone alone in the dark who senses there is something greater beyond himself and aches to make contact with it. Less teenage rejection, more metaphysical hunger.

    By seventeen, starting college, I was profoundly lonely. According to Erik Erikson, this is the stage defined by intimacy versus isolation, and I was losing badly. I felt it in my bones as a socially maladroit bodybuilder shuffling through classes by day and working nights as a bouncer at a teen disco called Maverick’s in San Ramon. Picture it: me at the door, arms crossed, watching a parade of thrill-seekers gyrate, flirt, and dissolve into noise. The job didn’t cure my loneliness; it distilled it. I was close enough to touch the crowd and miles away from belonging to it.

    One morning after a late shift, I dreamed I was living in the Stone Age. I was alone in a cave, wrapped in animal skins, stepping out into a gray, indifferent sky. I raised my arms toward the clouds, reaching for something—anything—that might answer me. In the background, “Watching and Waiting” played like a prayer I hadn’t yet learned how to pray. The dream was sad and beautiful, which felt like progress. As Kierkegaard noted, despair’s worst form is not knowing you’re in it. At least I knew. And as the Psalmist understood long before therapy existed, grace tends to follow sorrow once the sorrow has been fully felt.

    People hate being alone. They’ll sit through ads on YouTube rather than listen ad-free on Spotify because YouTube lets them comment, scroll, argue, agree—experience the song with others. Solitude may be cleaner, but communion is warmer. Which brings me to watches. What is the watch hobby in isolation? Nothing. A watch on a deserted island is just a lump of steel keeping time for no one. The hobby exists only because a community animates it—supports it, debates it, sometimes overfeeds it. A watch on your wrist is a semiotic flare. It says something. Others read it. You read them back. That exchange is the point.

    This is what I mean by Horological Communion: the quiet fellowship formed when watches are not hoarded as private trophies but offered as shared symbols. Meaning emerges only when the object is seen, recognized, and answered—at meetups, in forums, in comment sections, across a knowing glance from one wrist to another. Without that communion, the watch is mute. It ticks, faithfully, but it says nothing at all.

  • The Greatest Flex Is Self-Denial

    The Greatest Flex Is Self-Denial

    In case anyone has missed it, Bruce Springsteen is seventy-five years old and still looks like he could outrun most men half his age while singing at full volume. He has the same chiseled body that powered “Born to Run” during my junior year—the song that injected an entire generation with adolescent adrenaline and the belief that escape was always one chorus away. The mystery is not that Springsteen is still performing. The mystery is how he’s performing while appearing carved out of disciplined granite.

    The answer, it turns out, is brutal in its simplicity. Springsteen eats one meal a day. That’s it. No grazing. No late-night negotiations with the pantry. His self-control has apparently spread, too. Chris Martin of Coldplay—another famous man who could afford to eat like a Roman emperor—has sworn off dinner entirely. I find all of this deeply unsettling, not because it’s unhealthy or extreme, but because it’s practiced by people who could easily afford indulgence as a full-time lifestyle.

    That’s the real flex. Not yachts. Not villas. Not decadent excess. The most impressive display of power available to the wealthy is self-denial. These men don’t lack access. They lack excuses. Their discipline quietly points an accusatory finger at the rest of us, and unfortunately, that finger lands squarely on my plate.

    If I’m being honest—and honesty is the whole problem here—I’m indulgent when it comes to food. Portions creep. Snacks multiply. I carry about twenty pounds that no amount of kettlebells or Schwinn Airdyne heroics can fully offset. Springsteen himself has said that fitness is ninety percent diet, and I resent him for being right. You can’t out-train a refrigerator you keep reopening out of habit.

    So tonight, instead of reaching for another snack, I may watch the latest Bruce Springsteen documentary for moral reinforcement. The man who once soundtracked youthful restlessness may now be offering something rarer: a model of restraint with dignity intact. Cheers to Bruce Springsteen—patron saint of senior citizens who refuse to let dinner win.

  • Guillermo del Toro’s Frankenstein and the Wounded Male Ego

    Guillermo del Toro’s Frankenstein and the Wounded Male Ego

    I resisted watching Frankenstein. I assumed it would be a lavish, overcooked gothic reheating of Frankenstein—all velvet drapes, thunderclaps, and prestige posturing. I was wrong. It is polished and operatic, yes, but beneath the lacquer there’s an unexpectedly tender heart beating, unevenly, like something newly stitched together and afraid it might be noticed.

    Oscar Isaac plays Victor Frankenstein as a man permanently damaged by a tyrannical, grandiose father. This Victor doesn’t merely want to conquer death; he wants to correct his own humiliation. Science becomes his altar, godhood his compensation. In trying to escape the cruelty that shaped him, he replicates it with terrifying fidelity. The film is unsparing on this point: the wounded male ego, when armed with intellect and ambition, is a demolition device.

    The monster—created from hanged bodies and unholy obsession—is played by Jacob Elordi with startling delicacy. Six-foot-five and impossibly graceful, Elordi gives us not a brute but a melancholic waif, a creature whose sadness feels tuned to a minor key. There’s something unmistakably early-’80s indie about him—an echo of Julian Cope or the funereal romance of Echo & the Bunnymen and The Cure. He looks like he could step up to a microphone and confess his alienation in verse. Elordi doesn’t lean into that fantasy, but he doesn’t need to. His restraint is what breaks you.

    That this film avoids camp, self-indulgence, and parody is no small feat. At over two and a half hours, with a plot that is essentially elemental, the pacing remains assured. Del Toro trusts atmosphere, performance, and thematic coherence. The conviction is clear: a man tries to elevate himself into a god and leaves a trail of devastation, while the being he creates is condemned to a far crueler fate—immortality without belonging.

    When the credits rolled, I could almost hear Ian McCulloch singing “The Disease.” The association felt right. Elordi’s monster carries that same expression: beautiful, doomed, and painfully aware that he will outlive his wounds without ever outgrowing them.

  • The Potato Diet and the Gospel According to Mel Brooks

    The Potato Diet and the Gospel According to Mel Brooks

    Recently, I fell down a nutritional rabbit hole and emerged clutching a potato. Not just any potato, but the cooked-then-cooled kind—Idaho and sweet potatoes transformed into resistant starch, that miraculous category of food that sounds like it should be protesting something. Resistant starch, I learned, behaves like a probiotic: it feeds the gut microbiome, supports immunity, improves metabolic health, lowers cholesterol, and may reduce colorectal cancer risk. It even helps regulate appetite hormones, which is a polite way of saying it tells your brain to stop behaving like a feral raccoon.

    There’s a whole taxonomy of resistant-starch foods, but I’m a simple man. I’m focusing on potatoes. I eat them cold from the fridge or gently reheated. Lunch and dinner get a potato. Snacks get a yam blended into yogurt like some deranged Thanksgiving parfait. If it’s an Idaho potato, I dress it up with plain Greek yogurt, nutritional yeast, and a reckless amount of herbs and spices. This is what refinement looks like in 2026.

    So far, the results have been suspiciously positive. I feel energized. My gut feels calm and cooperative. I enjoy the strange pleasure of eating potatoes at all hours of the day. The real stars, though, are the yams and sweet potatoes—especially the purple Japanese sweet potatoes, which look like food designed by a medieval alchemist with a sense of humor.

    Then came today.

    On the Schwinn Airdyne, I felt… powerful. Not delusional powerful. Not “I should enter a CrossFit competition” powerful. Just quietly, inexorably strong. I burned 825 calories in 62 minutes. The last time I broke 800 calories on that bike was three years ago, back when my joints were younger and my expectations were less realistic.

    Do I attribute this personal record to my potato regimen? I don’t know. The potatoes could be a placebo. I could be committing the cardinal sin of confusing correlation with causation. More likely, I just had one of those rare days when physiology, psychology, and stubbornness line up like planets.

    I don’t expect to hit 800 calories regularly. Seven hundred is already serious business. Eight hundred requires intent. Eight hundred is a flex. It’s bragging rights territory—the kind of obsessive pursuit Howard Ratner brings to the giant black opal in Uncut Gems, except with less jewelry and more sweat pooling under a stationary bike.

    There was another factor, too. Today’s ride was a response to yesterday.

    My daughters were at Knott’s Berry Farm. My wife was out seeing Leslie Jones. I usually enjoy solitude, but yesterday it curdled. The headlines were bleak. My creative energy flatlined. The world felt slightly out of phase, like a record spinning at the wrong speed. When things get that dark, my internal soundtrack defaults to King Crimson’s “Epitaph”—a song that sounds like it was written for someone weeping against a stone wall at the end of history.

    I got through the night with two documentaries: Mel Brooks: The 99 Year Old Man! and Secret Mall Apartment. One was joyous defiance. The other was a reminder that some people respond to modern despair by secretly building illegal sanctuaries inside dead shopping centers.

    Mel Brooks said something that landed with force. Life is hard. We suffer loss. But piling misery on top of misery—indulging self-pity—only deepens the wound.

    I took that personally. I suspect the 825-calorie burn was my way of replying: I hear you, Mel. I love you. I’m choosing motion over rumination.

    And so I did.