This afternoon I dozed off after an afternoon of cardio, the body spent, the mind drifting, when a memory surfaced from the early nineties with unnerving clarity. I was around thirty then, teaching composition in a university town carved out of the California desert—a place where the light felt harsh and permanent, as if it refused to let anything hide. A loose circle of us—lecturers, adjuncts, hopefuls—would gather for dinners now and then, clinging to one another for a sense of community. Among us was an art professor, a woman in her mid-fifties. She wore her age without apology: short gray hair, angular features, and eyes the color of oxidized copper—blue-green, arresting, a little distant.
I hadn’t seen her in months, and then one afternoon, in a neighborhood a few miles from my apartment—I was walking to my car after dropping off a date—I saw her again. A couple of houses over, I saw her unloading boxes from her SUV. The image is fixed in my mind with painful precision. Her head was wrapped in a scarf. Her frame had narrowed to something almost architectural, all angles and shadows. She was moving the boxes to her rental house, each trip measured, as if gravity had grown heavier for her alone.
I remember I had a choice. I could walk to my car and drive away or walk toward the art instructor. I felt she needed me. So I walked over and stopped her—almost abruptly—and insisted I take over. She didn’t resist. There was no polite demurral, no social choreography. She simply yielded, nodded once, and lowered herself onto a nearby bench. Then she sat there, hands folded loosely, staring straight ahead—not at me, not at the house, but somewhere beyond both, as if the horizon held something she alone could see.
I carried the boxes inside, one after another, trying to fill the silence with small talk that dissolved the moment it left my mouth. She didn’t answer. Not out of rudeness, but because the effort seemed beyond her. The air around her felt thinned out, as if speech itself required too much oxygen.
Only now, decades later, does the obvious land with force: those boxes were likely the contents of her office. She wasn’t just moving houses. She was being removed—from her work, her routines, the life she had constructed. And she was doing it alone.
Had I understood that, I would have done more than carry boxes from curb to doorway. I would have met her at the beginning of the task, at the office, at the place where the real loss was happening. I would have recognized the moment for what it was: not an errand, but an ending.
When the last box was inside, I don’t remember much of what I said. A brief hug, probably. A few inadequate words. Then I left, as people often do when they sense something too large for them to face directly.
I believe she died not long after. What remains with me is not just her frailty, though that alone was striking, but the expression she wore as she sat on that bench—an expression that seemed to belong not only to her but to all of us. It carried a quiet indictment: of time, of indifference, of the way we move past one another without truly seeing.
I take a small measure of comfort in the fact that I stopped, that I helped in the only way I knew how in that moment. But that comfort is thin. What lingers is the recognition of how little I understood, how quickly I settled for the minimum, how unprepared I was to meet her where she actually was.
She sat there, silent, looking past everything in front of her. And that look—plaintive, unguarded, already halfway gone—is something I have never been able to set down.
Cinemorphosis 
Leave a comment