Tag: life

  • The Ghost at the End of My Block

    The Ghost at the End of My Block

    An unkempt, unemployed man in his sixties—I’ll call him D—lives on my street. He is painfully thin, wears a beard that seems less grown than surrendered to, and carries the thousand-yard stare of someone who has spent too many years trapped inside his own mind. He is the neighborhood’s resident ghost, the subject of whispered conversations held over hedges and driveways whenever his name comes up.

    I rarely see him anymore.

    With each passing year he seems to retreat another step from the world. According to my neighbors, he now walks his dog only after dark, as if daylight itself has become an adversary.

    The last time we spoke was more than a decade ago. He told me his mother had emigrated from Ukraine. She was still alive then but has since passed away. He admitted he struggled with clinical depression. Once upon a time he earned his living in real estate. He loved photography. He struck me as intelligent, thoughtful, even pleasant. Nothing about him suggested the caricature of the neighborhood eccentric.

    Depression, however, is not content merely to inhabit a person. Given enough years, it colonizes the landscape around him.

    D’s house looks less like a residence than a psychological self-portrait.

    Weeds have risen high enough to conceal much of the property, swallowing the front yard as if nature were quietly reclaiming it. Enormous rocks lie scattered across the lot—not arranged with the intention of landscaping but dumped haphazardly, as though an avalanche had paused just long enough to empty its pockets. A rusted car sits permanently marooned in the driveway, stripped of its engine, one of those eternal restoration projects that never progresses beyond the fantasy stage.

    Then there is the roof.

    Or rather, the absence of one.

    Instead of shingles, enormous black tarps have been stretched across the house like bandages wrapped around a wound too deep to heal. The place resembles less a home than a disaster site awaiting inspectors who never arrive.

    The neighbors tell me D has owned five yellow Labrador retrievers over the past twenty-five years.

    Each one has had exactly the same name.

    Reggie.

    Perhaps it is sentiment. Perhaps ritual. Or perhaps depression dislikes novelty and prefers the comforting illusion that nothing essential has changed.

    Reggie, unfortunately, is also a source of neighborhood diplomacy. D has a habit of letting him roam unleashed, which periodically inspires shouted exchanges with nearby homeowners who are less enchanted by canine freedom than D appears to be.

    Recently, the family next door began an ambitious renovation. They moved out for a year while contractors demolished and rebuilt much of their home at a cost north of half a million dollars.

    During one conversation, one of the neighbors revealed something I had never considered.

    The tarps.

    They aren’t merely ugly.

    They are loud.

    Every windy night they snap, crack, and whip against the roof structure with relentless fury, sounding less like construction material than a chorus of agitated ghosts auditioning for Poltergeist. Sleep becomes impossible.

    So the neighbors arrived at a remarkably practical conclusion.

    Since they were already spending roughly $600,000 rebuilding their own home, they decided to buy D a new roof.

    The cost?

    About $20,000.

    It is an act of generosity, certainly.

    It is also an investment in uninterrupted sleep.

    When you’ve already committed well over half a million dollars to creating your dream home, another twenty thousand begins to look less like charity than an effective noise-canceling device.

    Every neighborhood, it seems, has its own D.

    There is always one house that refuses to cooperate with the local mythology of upward mobility. Every freshly painted facade, every manicured lawn, every luxury SUV in the driveway quietly tells a story of competence, prosperity, and orderly lives. Then there is the one property that interrupts the narrative like an uncomfortable footnote. It reminds everyone that not every life can be renovated with quartz countertops, drought-tolerant landscaping, and a designer front door.

    Some houses broadcast success.

    Others testify to defeat.

    D’s house has become an architectural memoir of prolonged suffering, a place where depression has seeped from the mind into the soil, the weeds, the rusting car, and finally the roof itself.

    Replacing the tarps with shingles will not rewrite that story.

    A new roof cannot cure clinical depression. It cannot restore lost ambition, resurrect old dreams, or persuade a haunted man that tomorrow will be kinder than yesterday.

    But it can silence the ghosts.

  • Good Enough or As Good as It Can Be?

    Good Enough or As Good as It Can Be?

    Left to my own devices, I would eat like a monk with low standards and no culinary imagination. If I were a bachelor living alone, my menu would consist of oatmeal, yogurt, bananas, protein shakes, and peanut butter, repeated with liturgical regularity until death or scurvy intervened. Meal preparation, in my ideal world, should require almost no preparation and even less cleanup. If I can eat standing over the kitchen sink and spare myself the burden of washing a plate, I consider that a small triumph of civilization.

    Marriage and children have prevented me from fully indulging this philosophy.

    Fortunately for my nutritional health—and unfortunately for my laziness—other people insist on actual meals.

    My instinct toward optimization, however, resurfaces elsewhere. When planning family outings, my ideal destination is always the closest one. The fewer miles on the odometer, the happier I become. Beach picnic? Wonderful—as long as the beach is practically in the backyard. Restaurant? Excellent—as long as I don’t have to cross two freeways to reach it.

    Vacation travel follows the same principle.

    Five hours on an airplane is my absolute ceiling. Beyond that, my claustrophobia stages a hostile takeover of my personality. I stop resembling a husband on holiday and begin resembling Cinderella’s forgotten stepbrother, slowly decomposing into a resentful pumpkin somewhere over the Pacific.

    Clearly, I possess a strong instinct toward efficiency.

    Yet I have gradually realized that some parts of life cannot survive this instinct.

    An essay should never be merely good enough. It should be rewritten until every sentence earns its place and every paragraph justifies its existence. Likewise, a composer may spend years reshaping a single piece until it finally matches the elusive musical vision that first appeared in the imagination. The original spark deserves nothing less.

    That realization has led me to think that human beings generally organize their lives around one of two competing philosophies.

    The first is Optimization Ethics.

    Optimization Ethics seeks to maximize efficiency, profit, and measurable return while eliminating effort that produces diminishing rewards. It asks a relentlessly practical question:

    How good does this need to be?

    The second is Maximalist Ethics.

    Maximalist Ethics begins from a completely different premise. It holds that excellence possesses intrinsic worth. The highest obligation is not to satisfy expectations but to produce the fullest, richest, and finest work one is capable of, even when no customer notices, no employer rewards it, and no spreadsheet can justify the additional effort.

    Its governing question is equally simple:

    How good can this become?

    I encountered perhaps the clearest illustration of these competing philosophies while watching Mike Holst’s YouTube channel, This Watch, That Watch. Discussing whether Grand Seiko deserves its reputation, Holst makes an observation that reaches far beyond horology:

    “The key difference between Rolex and Grand Seiko is that Rolex generally makes a watch that is as good as it needs to be for the price. Grand Seiko chooses to make a watch that is as good as it can be for the price.”

    That may be one of the most insightful business observations I’ve heard in years.

    Rolex asks, What level of excellence justifies a $15,000 watch?

    Grand Seiko asks, What is the finest watch we know how to build for $15,000?

    Those are not merely different manufacturing strategies.

    They are different moral imaginations.

    Rolex operates according to what I would call Adequacy Culture. Its goal is to satisfy expectations with extraordinary consistency while carefully managing costs, margins, and brand prestige. There is nothing inherently wrong with this approach. It has produced one of the most successful luxury companies in history.

    Grand Seiko, by contrast, embodies Abundance Culture.

    Its instinct is to give more than circumstances require—to lavish finishing on surfaces few owners will ever examine, to polish components hidden from casual view, to pursue refinements that accountants would probably classify as unnecessary and customers may never consciously notice.

    One philosophy asks, Have we done enough?

    The other asks, Have we done our best?

    That distinction extends far beyond watches.

    A teacher can prepare the lecture that fulfills contractual obligations or the lecture students will remember twenty years later.

    A physician can treat symptoms or relentlessly pursue the best possible outcome.

    A novelist can submit a manuscript that is publishable or continue revising until every page feels inevitable.

    A marriage can consist of meeting expectations or continually exceeding them.

    If you are about to spend ten or twenty thousand dollars on a watch, you must decide which philosophy you wish to reward. Would you rather buy from a company whose guiding question is, What do we have to do? Or from one whose guiding question is, What is the finest thing we know how to make?

    Rolex has built one of the greatest brands in the world.

    Grand Seiko has built one of the greatest arguments for excellence.

    Those are not the same achievement. In the long run, they may not even belong to the same philosophy of life.

  • The Demon Lake and Heavenly Noodles

    The Demon Lake and Heavenly Noodles

    For the past two nights my subconscious has apparently dispensed with realism altogether and hired a surrealist screenwriter.

    The first dream began with an assignment that would have challenged even the most ambitious evolutionary biologist. I was ordered to travel millions of years into the past to locate one of my primordial ancestors—a prehistoric shark. Armed with nothing but a pair of pliers and inexplicable confidence, I extracted the shark’s razor-sharp teeth and painstakingly strung them into a necklace.

    This was no ordinary necklace.

    It had become my official faculty lanyard at the college where I teach.

    Somehow I lost it.

    The college president responded with the righteous fury usually reserved for embezzlement or plagiarism. She informed me that unless I journeyed back through evolutionary history, located the same prehistoric shark, and painstakingly reconstructed the necklace, I would be fired.

    The situation struck me as hopeless.

    How had I misplaced something so miraculous? How does one retrace one’s steps across millions of years? More importantly, how could anyone recreate a necklace that seemed less handcrafted than divinely manufactured? The shark’s teeth no longer felt like jewelry. They had become sacred relics, and I had managed to lose them somewhere between the Devonian Period and faculty parking.

    I awoke relieved that neither the necklace nor the disciplinary hearing had actually existed.

    Then came the following night.

    This time I found myself standing beside a dark lake surrounded by hundreds of people.

    Everyone issued the same warning.

    Do not disturb the water.

    A demon slept beneath the surface, they explained, and if awakened it would unleash unimaginable destruction upon us all.

    Unfortunately, I happened to be holding a very long stick.

    The human race has a long and distinguished history of ignoring good advice simply because the forbidden object happens to be within arm’s reach. Give Adam an apple, Pandora a box, or me a suspicious lake and an unnecessarily long pole, and curiosity will almost always defeat wisdom.

    Naturally, I stirred the water.

    The demon awoke.

    The earth shuddered. The air vibrated. Reality itself seemed to tremble as the creature announced its displeasure.

    People screamed.

    I was terrified.

    Yet there was one surprising consolation. I was frightened collectively rather than privately. Most of my nightmares isolate me inside my own panic, but this time hundreds of us shared the catastrophe. Terror, it turns out, becomes marginally more bearable when it has company.

    Eventually the demon grew bored with intimidating us and retreated once again into the depths.

    The dream then executed one of those abrupt transitions that only dreams consider perfectly logical.

    I stepped into an elevator.

    When the doors opened, I found myself in an ethereal kingdom devoted entirely to noodles.

    Not ordinary noodles.

    Transcendent noodles.

    Families, many of them from Taiwan, wandered the heavenly complex with unmistakable pride, as though civilization itself had culminated in this celestial noodle palace. They smiled with the quiet confidence of people who knew they possessed the finest cuisine in the universe.

    Hungry, I asked one family where I could find the noodle bar.

    Beaming, they pointed north.

    I confidently walked in precisely the direction that would ensure I never reached it.

    Instead, I became hopelessly lost, descended a spiral staircase, and somehow ended up asleep in the damp basement of a forgotten library.

    When I awoke inside the dream, I remembered the noodles.

    I was starving.

    Yet I had become too exhausted to climb back upstairs in search of them.

    So I settled for imagination.

    Unable to eat the heavenly noodles themselves, I pictured them so vividly that I convinced myself they might sustain me until I found the strength to move.

    Perhaps that final scene is the most revealing of all.

    Most of us spend our lives chasing some version of those heavenly noodles—peace, happiness, God, retirement, artistic achievement, perfect love, or simply the conviction that life has finally become what it was always meant to be. We receive directions. We begin confidently enough. Then we wander into the wrong corridor, descend a staircase we never intended to take, and wake up in the dusty basement of our own lives, too weary to continue.

    So we nourish ourselves with imagination until hope returns.

  • The Trapdoor Effect

    The Trapdoor Effect

    Alfred North Whitehead argued that religion arises from the desire to discover permanence in a transient world. Schopenhauer believed religion exists because we fear death. Tolstoy reached a more demanding conclusion. Death, he argued, forces us to make a choice: either surrender to despair or reshape our lives so that death cannot rob them of meaning. For Tolstoy, that reckoning culminated in religious conversion.

    Most of us encounter this reckoning in waves. There are seasons when mortality remains an abstraction, politely waiting its turn. Then there are moments when it barges through the front door and makes itself at home.

    The first time that happened to me was in 2004 with the death of football legend Reggie White. He had been born only a month after I was. At forty-three, he died from a cardiac arrhythmia related to sleep apnea. His death shook me, but I eventually regained my footing.

    Then came Lance Reddick.

    His death in 2023 hit me with far greater force. Reddick was sixty—my age. On screen he projected effortless authority. He played towering, intimidating police officers, wore a Tag Heuer as Chief Irvin Irving in Bosch, and somehow combined physical power with artistic refinement as an accomplished jazz pianist. He seemed built to endure. Seeing a man who embodied such strength simply vanish was profoundly disorienting. Nearly every day for the past three years, his death has crossed my mind.

    As if that weren’t enough, Facebook has become an obituary page for my adolescence.

    High school classmates—people who were posting vacation photos, political opinions, and pictures of their grandchildren only weeks earlier—suddenly reappear as memorial tributes. Healthy faces become framed portraits. Birthday wishes become eulogies. A life that looked perfectly ordinary on Tuesday has become a remembrance by Friday.

    The algorithm has quietly become an undertaker.

    Against that backdrop, my own routines begin to feel faintly absurd.

    There I am on my exercise bike, obsessed with burning exactly seven hundred calories in under an hour. I calculate how many grams of omega-3 a can of salmon will contribute to lunch. I debate whether next week’s garage workout should include walking lunges with twenty-pound kettlebells. I fine-tune my health strategy with the seriousness of a NASA engineer.

    And yet another part of me whispers that I am merely organizing deck chairs above a collapsing floor.

    At times I feel consumed by what I call The Trapdoor Effect: the unsettling awareness that beneath the routines of ordinary life—planning meals, exercising, paying bills, booking vacations, arguing over cholesterol, buying retirement clothes—lies an invisible trapdoor that may open without warning. We behave as though the future belongs to us, when in fact we possess nothing more than a reasonable expectation that tomorrow will resemble today.

    That expectation is comforting.

    It is also, perhaps, life’s most necessary illusion.

  • The Things We Cannot Live Without

    The Things We Cannot Live Without

    As an adolescent, Emmanuel Carrère was unhappy, but he remained buoyant because he believed in the two assets he trusted above all others: his intellect and his identity as a writer. Intelligence served as his life raft. Irony gave him distance from despair. Even misery becomes manageable when you can narrate it with style.

    That strategy collapsed when he turned thirty.

    The faculties that had once sustained him simply stopped working. He could no longer marshal his intelligence against himself. Reflecting on that period, he writes, “I could no longer write, I didn’t know how to love, I knew I wasn’t particularly likable. Just being me became literally unbearable.”

    He had reached what might be called a collapse of competence: the moment when the qualities that once anchored your identity—talent, discipline, intelligence, status, creativity, charm—suddenly fail to hold your weight. The scaffolding of the self buckles. You are forced to search for an entirely different foundation because the old one has become a condemned building.

    When Carrère confessed his misery to his godmother Jacqueline, he expected sympathy. Instead, she was delighted.

    As a devout Catholic, she believed despair was not a catastrophe but a prerequisite. Only when a person finally recognizes that his life has become an uninhabitable ruin is he prepared to hear the Gospel. Pride must first exhaust itself.

    She placed a New Testament in his hands and instructed him to read it without trying to be “too intelligent.”

    That advice carries a sly paradox. Intelligence, the very faculty Carrère had relied upon for survival, had become the obstacle. Jacqueline was asking him to stop treating the Bible as a puzzle to master and instead allow it to master him.

    During that same summer of 1990, Jacqueline introduced Emmanuel to her other godson, Hervé. The two men gradually became close friends.

    Hervé was, by temperament, a philosopher disguised as a journalist. Though professionally successful, he was perpetually haunted by questions that most people manage to outrun. Why are we here? What is life for? Is there some purpose behind our existence, or are we simply decorating a cosmic waiting room until the lights go out?

    Watching Hervé, Carrère concludes that humanity divides rather neatly into two camps.

    The first group rarely loses sleep over metaphysical questions. They pursue promotions, vacations, romance, gossip, consumer pleasures, status games, and the endless sport of comparing themselves to everyone else. Their calendars stay full enough to prevent existential reflection from getting a word in edgewise.

    The second group cannot escape those questions. They are pursued by them like debt collectors. They read philosophy and religion not because such books are fashionable but because they are desperate. They are trying to determine whether existence contains an author or merely an audience.

    Looking back years later, Carrère recognizes that Hervé’s spiritual curiosity had been quietly cultivated by Jacqueline, who gently nudged him toward Christianity. Their religious journeys eventually diverged, but their friendship endured.

    For decades they have gathered regularly in the Swiss village of Le Levron, spending time together in a chalet that Carrère calls his querencia.

    The Spanish word comes from bullfighting. A querencia is the part of the arena where the bull instinctively retreats because it feels secure there. It is the place from which the animal regains its strength before reentering the fight.

    For Carrère, the metaphor is perfect. He arrives troubled and leaves restored.

    Everyone should have a reliable querencia.

    Mine, during the 1970s, was Walt’s Gym, a converted chicken coop perfumed with ancient sweat, rust, and enough menthol muscle ointment to fumigate a county. Men joyfully abused their bodies in pursuit of impossible physiques while punctuating every set with gossip, insults, bad jokes, and elaborate storytelling. It was less a fitness center than a monastery dedicated to testosterone and nonsense. The barbells built muscle. The banter built men.

    Then the corporate gyms arrived.

    The chicken coop gave way to chrome, televisions, smoothie bars, biometric scanners, and motivational slogans printed by people who had clearly never deadlifted anything heavier than a marketing proposal. By 2005 I had had enough. I quit.

    For the past twenty years my querencia has been my garage.

    There I swing kettlebells, flood my brain with an hour’s worth of endorphins, keep company with favorite podcasters, and temporarily escape the increasingly exhausting experience of being myself. I enter carrying the accumulated static of the world. I leave feeling that someone has quietly reset my nervous system.

    I envy Carrère because his querencia involves another human being.

    Mine is solitary.

    There was a time when it wasn’t.

    During the late 1980s a group of us played basketball at a Berkeley community center before heading out for dinner. Those evenings stitched together a sense of belonging that no amount of solitary reflection could duplicate.

    Later, after moving from the Bay Area to the California desert for my first teaching job, loneliness became my regular companion. Once each week I would spend two-hour marathons on the telephone with old friends. By the end my ear literally hurt from holding the receiver.

    Those conversations nourished me in ways I didn’t fully appreciate at the time. Someone had willingly given me two hours of his life. That simple fact quietly testified that I mattered.

    Then phone conversations disappeared in the early 2000s.

    Texting replaced talking. Social media replaced lingering conversation. We became experts at remaining connected while carefully avoiding communion.

    So today my querencia is almost entirely solitary.

    Yet I continue to experience what I think of as the Querencia Effect: the restorative power of a place, ritual, or recurring practice that allows someone to arrive emotionally depleted and leave psychologically renewed. It is the sanctuary where a fractured self is quietly reassembled before returning to the arena.

    Still, I worry.

    As I approach sixty-five, my refuge depends almost entirely upon a body that grows older every year. One day it may no longer tolerate sixty-minute kettlebell sessions or long rides that leave me happily awash in endorphins.

    I think of a bodybuilder I once read in a muscle magazine. His ambition was beautifully uncomplicated. He wanted only one thing from God: the privilege of lifting weights for as long as he remained alive.

    Then I think of Ronnie Coleman.

    No professional bodybuilder punished himself more ferociously. His reward has been dozens of back surgeries and chronic pain that would persuade most people never to enter another gym.

    Yet there he is, sometimes maneuvering through the weight room in a wheelchair because, pain or no pain, he still needs to touch the iron.

    Some dependencies are pathological.

    Others are redemptive.

    The difficulty is that the line between them often becomes visible only after it has been crossed.

    Years ago I had a colleague who was, in his own eccentric way, a genius. He ignored lesson plans, dismissed required evaluations with cheerful contempt, wore the same uniform of white T-shirt and blue jeans, and simply walked into class and talked. Students adored him. Passing me on campus, he would grin and greet me with a sarcastic profanity, as though the world’s absurdity deserved nothing more sophisticated.

    I attended his retirement party in 2004.

    A few years later I learned he had taken his own life.

    Cannabis had become his querencia. When a medical diagnosis made it impossible for him to continue using it, the refuge disappeared. Without it, life became intolerable. His wife found him dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

    That story has haunted me for years because it exposes an uncomfortable truth.

    We eventually become dependent upon the very things that rescue us.

    If tomorrow my body informed me that I could never exercise again, I don’t believe I would follow my colleague’s path.

    The first reason is simple: I love my wife and daughters more than I love my own comfort. The collateral damage would be unforgivable.

    The second reason is considerably less noble.

    I am a coward.

    Cowardice, on occasion, has surprising moral utility. It keeps a person from making irreversible decisions during temporary despair.

    Besides, the last thing I want is to arrive before God having chosen the emergency exit, only to be asked why I abandoned the arena before the fight was over. There are many questions I would like to avoid on Judgment Day.

    That is certainly one of them.

  • The Man Who Wanted to Defeat His Therapist

    The Man Who Wanted to Defeat His Therapist

    In Lives Other Than My Own, Emmanuel Carrère recounts seeking treatment from the celebrated psychoanalyst François Roustang. Roustang refused to take him as a patient. His reason was devastating in its simplicity: Carrère, he believed, was not interested in getting better. He was interested in tripping up the therapist.

    Imagine arriving at the office of a renowned psychoanalyst desperate for relief from some nameless psychic misery, only to be told that your real ambition is to make your therapist look like a fool.

    It is a remarkable diagnosis.

    Carrère’s impulse, Roustang concluded, was not to surrender to therapy but to convert it into a duel. Every session would become an opportunity to expose the therapist’s blind spots, frustrate his methods, and demonstrate that no one—not even a celebrated analyst—could penetrate his defenses. The goal was not healing but victory.

    On the surface, this sounds clever.

    In reality, it is the psychology of a frightened child.

    The patient who must always outwit the therapist is not displaying superior intelligence. He is displaying superior evasiveness. His greatest fear is not failure but surrender. If he can reduce the therapist to exasperation, then he never has to confront the far more terrifying possibility that someone might actually understand him.

    For that reason, Roustang’s refusal seems puzzling.

    Surely this was exactly the patient he ought to have accepted.

    Instead, he sent him away.

    One imagines that Carrère experienced a brief flash of triumph. The contest had ended before it began, and somehow he had won. Another therapist defeated. Another authority figure frustrated. Another confirmation that no one could reach him.

    What exquisite misery.

    But Roustang had anticipated the move.

    His refusal was not surrender. It was strategy.

    He later told Carrère that if he was so determined to remain miserable, he had only two honest options: end his life or begin living.

    With that brutal simplicity, Roustang shattered the entire game.

    There was no argument to refute, no interpretation to ridicule, no therapeutic jargon to dismantle. There remained only a stark moral choice. Continue worshiping misery or abandon it.

    Suddenly Carrère’s obstinacy no longer looked rebellious.

    It looked juvenile.

    The performance he had mistaken for intellectual sophistication was revealed as the defensive posture of an anxious ego terrified of vulnerability. His endless resistance ceased to resemble strength. It resembled Gollum clutching the Ring while congratulating himself on his independence.

    Roustang’s words proved bracing rather than cruel. Carrère gradually emerged from his depression and eventually found the strength to write My Life as a Russian Novel, the book that, in his words, pulled him “from the abyss.”

    His story clarifies a distinction our culture often blurs: the difference between being childish and being childlike.

    The childish person is governed by wounded pride. He is obstinate, theatrical, self-absorbed, forever digging trenches around his private kingdom of resentment. He mistakes defiance for courage and isolation for authenticity. Like Gollum, he clings to the very thing that is poisoning him while insisting it is his greatest treasure.

    The childlike person possesses the opposite spirit. He is open rather than defensive, curious rather than suspicious, grateful rather than entitled. He greets the world with wonder instead of grievance. He resembles Adam before the first bite of the apple, when innocence had not yet curdled into self-justification.

    Perhaps that is the hidden kinship between therapy and religion.

    Neither exists merely to make us feel better.

    Both seek to expose the childish ego that mistakes stubbornness for strength and self-protection for freedom. Both ask us to relinquish the exhausting performance of being unconquerable. Both invite us to recover something we once possessed before fear, vanity, and self-deception took root.

    The task, in the end, is not to become more sophisticated.

    It is to become less like Gollum.

  • When Sore Calves Meant Salvation

    When Sore Calves Meant Salvation

    Emmanuel Carrère writes that in 1990 he was “touched by grace.” For the next three years he attended Mass every day, immersed himself in the Gospel of John, and filled some twenty notebooks with commentaries. Looking back, he remembers remarkably little of that period and has made no effort to recover it. His amnesia suggests that grace, at least in its fanatical form, can be exhausting enough to become something one prefers to leave buried.

    I underwent my own conversion in 1976.

    I was touched not by grace but by the bodybuilding bug.

    Like every true conversion, it demanded far more than outward behavior. It required a new vocabulary, new authorities, new rituals, and a new vision of salvation. My sacred texts were Iron Man, Strength & Health, Muscle Builder, and MuscleMag International. My saints were Ron Teufel, Frank Zane, Robbie Robinson, Mike Mentzer, and Tom Platz. Their routines were studied with the seriousness medieval monks reserved for Augustine.

    Every afternoon I retreated to my father’s office and sat before his IBM Selectric typewriter. Carrère filled notebooks with reflections on John’s Gospel. I filled page after page with workouts.

    The process bordered on liturgical.

    KSFX drifted through the room, playing the O’Jays, the Four Tops, Earth, Wind & Fire, and the Miracles while I stared at the page like a theologian confronting an elusive doctrine. I would type a routine, scrutinize it, decide that my split routine lacked perfection, tear it from the machine, crumple it into a ball, and begin again. Sets became sentences. Repetitions became revisions. Every workout was a rough draft of the body I believed I was destined to become.

    What I sought was not merely a better pump.

    I was searching for the Platonic Workout, the one perfect arrangement of exercises that would lift me beyond ordinary muscular development into something approaching spiritual transcendence.

    It was absurd.

    It was also glorious.

    The ritual calmed me, excited me, and filled me with hope all at once. Every newly typed workout promised that next week, finally, I would become the person I had imagined myself to be.

    The conversion had other liturgical requirements.

    On more than one occasion I composed these workouts wearing nothing but a Speedo because it somehow placed me in the proper state of mind. Serious theological work demanded proper vestments.

    One afternoon, after an hour of merciless calf raises, I sat typing when I noticed that my calves were exquisitely tender to the touch. The soreness delighted me.

    My mother walked into the office.

    “Dinner’s ready,” she said. Then she paused.

    “Why are you so happy?”

    I reached down and squeezed my calf.

    “My calves,” I said. “They’re sore.”

    She looked puzzled.

    “Why does that make you happy?”

    I smiled with the serene certainty of a man who had glimpsed the kingdom.

    “They’re growing, Mom.”

    A pause.

    “They’re growing.”

  • The Prophet of the Squat Rack

    The Prophet of the Squat Rack

    My middle school P.E. coach and Olympic weightlifting instructor, Lou Kruk, was not merely a teacher. He was a force of nature. Standing well over six feet, barrel-chested beneath tight T-shirts or black turtlenecks, sporting a Tom Selleck mustache, wavy brown hair, perpetually tanned legs protruding from gym shorts, and a voice that rumbled like Wolfman Jack after three cups of espresso, Kruk looked less like a school employee than the star of an action movie who had wandered onto campus by mistake.

    The mythology surrounding him only enlarged the legend.

    He drove a bronze Porsche. Rumor had it he spent weekends sailing with impossibly beautiful blonde women who, in our adolescent imaginations, might as well have been Scandinavian supermodels. Whether any of it was true hardly mattered. At thirteen, facts were powerless against charisma.

    To us, Lou Kruk embodied manhood itself.

    Naturally, we craved his approval with the desperation of medieval squires hoping to earn a knight’s blessing.

    So we lifted.

    Not casually. Fanatically.

    Kruk demanded perfect technique. He regarded sloppy form as a moral failure disguised as athletic incompetence. A wandering knee or rounded back earned immediate correction, usually delivered with enough volume for the entire class to hear. Public embarrassment was simply another teaching aid. If you couldn’t discipline your body, he reasoned, you probably couldn’t discipline your life.

    He preached through barbells rather than sermons.

    Discipline.

    Precision.

    Toughness.

    Master yourself before the world masters you.

    Oddly enough, Kruk possessed another passion that seemed entirely at odds with Olympic lifting.

    Henry Mancini.

    Instead of blaring hard rock through battered speakers, our weight room echoed with Mancini’s lush orchestrations. As we practiced snatches, clean-and-jerks, and deep squats, elegant movie themes drifted through the air. Kruk had assembled a respectable stereo system, transforming what should have resembled a dungeon into something closer to a strangely sophisticated temple of iron.

    We trained with style.

    Some of us trained with obsession.

    I belonged to the second category.

    Soon I wasn’t content to squat only during workouts. I squatted beside my locker. I squatted while inching forward in the cafeteria lunch line. I squatted during P.E. while playing goalkeeper as soccer balls sailed harmlessly overhead. If there was an idle moment lasting more than five seconds, I considered it wasted unless my knees were bent and my thighs were burning.

    Eventually my classmates stopped calling me Jeff McMahon.

    I became “Squats.”

    At the time, I regarded the nickname as a badge of honor. I was no longer merely a skinny kid trying to become stronger. I had become an exercise, a living advertisement for relentless self-improvement.

    Only years later would I understand what was really happening.

    I wasn’t simply building legs.

    I was constructing an identity.

    The barbell had given me my first Great Mutation—not because it transformed my body overnight, but because it convinced me that reinvention was possible.

    And once a boy discovers the intoxicating possibility of becoming someone else, he spends the rest of his life wondering whether one more transformation might finally make him whole.

  • The Theology of Big Biceps

    The Theology of Big Biceps

    In my imagined novel Lifter, I borrow a page from Emmanuel Carrère and turn the investigation inward. The subject is not merely my lifelong devotion to weight training but the psychic hunger that made it feel less like a hobby than a form of emergency intervention. Why did I begin lifting weights at twelve? What wound was I trying to cauterize? What fear was I trying to overpower? Looking back, I suspect I wasn’t chasing health so much as prescribing therapy for a spirit burdened by cowardice, insecurity, and an almost inexhaustible sense of inadequacy.

    The story begins before I ever touched a barbell.

    As a boy, I was consumed by baseball. I imagined myself as a fearsome slugger, not because I dreamed of leading the league in home runs, but because I wanted opponents to recoil at the sight of me before I ever stepped into the batter’s box. My heroes were not graceful athletes. They were broad-shouldered giants: Willie McCovey, Harmon Killebrew, Dick Allen, Greg Luzinski, and Reggie Jackson. But towering above them all stood the legendary Ted Kluszewski, whose biceps were so enormous that, in my child’s imagination, they simply burst through the sleeves of his uniform like the Incredible Hulk erupting from Bruce Banner’s skin.

    Only now do I recognize what fascinated me.

    It wasn’t baseball.

    It was metamorphosis.

    I wasn’t captivated by batting averages or slugging percentages. I was captivated by spectacle. I wanted the crowd to gasp before I ever swung the bat. I wanted my body to announce my arrival before my performance had the chance to disappoint. I longed to become less an athlete than a mythical creature who wandered accidentally onto a baseball diamond.

    In that fantasy, my muscles eclipsed the game itself.

    The home run was secondary. The physique was the event.

    Even as a child, I wasn’t pursuing athletic excellence so much as theatrical transformation. I wanted to become someone so physically overwhelming that ordinary rules no longer applied. If my body could become extraordinary enough, perhaps it could silence the ordinary boy trapped inside it.

    That dream would outlive baseball.

    It would follow me into bodybuilding, weightlifting, teaching, writing, and nearly every other pursuit I embraced. The details changed, but the longing remained stubbornly intact. Again and again, I sought transformation through achievement, hoping that each new accomplishment would finally extinguish the old feeling of insufficiency.

    It never did.

    The weights built stronger shoulders and thicker arms, but they proved remarkably ineffective at strengthening self-worth. Every reinvention promised belonging. Every reinvention postponed it.

    Perhaps that has been the real story all along.

    The barbell was never merely a piece of exercise equipment. It was my first attempt to lift something far heavier than iron. I wasn’t trying to transform my body so much as reinvent my soul. In the end, however, the Theology of Biceps proved incapable of saving me.

  • The Hidden Strength of American Loneliness

    The Hidden Strength of American Loneliness

    In his Atlantic essay “American Loneliness,” Yair Lapid approaches America with the fresh eyes of an outsider. Americans, immersed in their own culture, rarely notice the water they swim in. Lapid does. What he sees is a nation shaped by an affliction so pervasive that many Americans mistake it for ordinary life: loneliness.

    To Lapid, loneliness is not merely being alone. It is exile. He writes, “People like me—the children of the non-American world—are accustomed to thinking of loneliness as a kind of slow sadness. Loneliness is the failure to connect, the disintegration of a family, the collapse of community. Loneliness means you have fallen from a train and are lying beside the tracks, listening to the shriek of the whistle dying in the dark.” What Americans often accept as the inevitable cost of adulthood appears, to someone raised elsewhere, almost biblical in its severity—a banishment into the outer darkness.

    Over the past thirty-five years, Lapid has crossed America repeatedly, driving its highways, stopping at diners, gas stations, drugstores, and roadside cafés. Those travels have led him to reject the fashionable caricature of America as a nation consumed by violence, paranoia, and xenophobia. He has encountered something far less sensational: ordinary people who are generous, decent, and welcoming. The darker portrait of America, he argues, often comes from what he calls the “malicious gossip” of commentators who mistake hyperbole for insight because outrage attracts attention.

    Strip away the exaggeration, however, and one profound truth remains. America is lonely.

    That loneliness began with immigration itself. Millions crossed oceans seeking opportunity, but they paid for it by severing themselves from families, villages, languages, and traditions. They arrived carrying not only hope but also a deep sense of dislocation. Unlike societies that prize the family or the collective, America has long celebrated the self-made individual. The heroic image of the rugged pioneer carries a hidden cost. Independence often means separation.

    Geography reinforces the condition. America is immense. Its vastness allows reinvention, but it also makes disappearance easy. One can vanish into a new city, a new state, or an entirely new life without anyone noticing.

    Progress deepens the isolation. Lapid invokes Joseph Schumpeter’s idea of “creative destruction,” the process by which capitalism continuously replaces the old with the new. New technologies do not simply create industries; they erase them. They dissolve careers, weaken inherited authority, scatter communities, and reorder entire ways of life. Americans have long embraced this relentless churn because they believe tomorrow can be better than today. Yet every leap forward leaves someone standing amid the rubble.

    The Protestant work ethic intensifies the pattern. Americans devote extraordinary energy to achievement, often sacrificing community in pursuit of success. The rewards are undeniable. America has produced astonishing advances in technology, medicine, literature, music, entrepreneurship, and cinema. But the same relentless drive that fuels innovation can also leave people spiritually isolated, making them more vulnerable to addiction, extremism, and despair.

    For Lapid, these forces converge into a startling conclusion: loneliness is not an unfortunate by-product of the American experiment. It is one of its founding materials. As he writes, “Loneliness is not a glitch in the system; it is the raw material from which the system was built.”

    Yet Lapid does not regard this as a fatal weakness. On the contrary, he believes America’s unusual tolerance for upheaval gives it an advantage over many of its rivals. He worries more about Europe, whose attachment to tradition may inhibit adaptation. He is pessimistic about Russia, whose wars threaten to destroy public confidence in the state. He is skeptical that China’s centralized political system can absorb the economic and social disruptions that rapid technological change will bring.

    America, by contrast, has spent centuries reinventing itself.

    As Lapid memorably observes, “America is not a cathedral—it is a workshop.” Workshops are noisy, untidy places where old things are dismantled so new things can be built. They value experimentation over preservation and movement over permanence. Americans have repeatedly endured the loneliness that accompanies such transformation, and in doing so they have developed an unusual resilience.

    Lapid therefore arrives at a paradox. In much of the world, loneliness signals failure, abandonment, or despair. In America, it often signals something else entirely. It is the emotional price of mobility, reinvention, ambition, and progress. Americans do not merely endure loneliness; they incorporate it into their national identity. As Lapid puts it, they are “turning loneliness into a covenant.”

    Whether that covenant is ultimately a blessing or a curse remains an open question. But Lapid persuades us that it is one of the defining features of the American character—a burden that has produced extraordinary innovation even as it has left countless people searching for the connections that progress so often leaves behind.