Cinemorphosis

Tag: fiction

  • Your Electric Tea Kettle Isn’t Broken–Your Circuit Is Maxed Out

    Your Electric Tea Kettle Isn’t Broken–Your Circuit Is Maxed Out

    For three years, my kitchen and I lived in quiet harmony. The outlets behaved. The appliances coexisted. The breaker, that silent arbiter of domestic peace, stayed in its lane.

    Then the electric tea kettle staged a coup.

    It began innocently enough. I’d flip the switch to boil water—an act so mundane it barely registers as effort—and suddenly half the kitchen would go dark. The microwave surrendered. The toaster went mute. The refrigerator went dark. The breaker, like a bouncer tired of excuses, shut everything down with a single decisive click.

    At first, I suspected treachery in the wiring. Then I wondered if the breaker had grown old and irritable. But the evidence pointed, with increasing clarity, to the most polite appliance on the counter: the electric kettle.

    When I removed the kettle from the equation, the kitchen returned to its former civility. No trips. No outages. No drama. The tyrant had been identified.

    Here’s what I learned, and what most people don’t realize:

    An electric kettle is one of the most power-hungry appliances in your kitchen.

    As your electric kettle ages, its heating element becomes less efficient and it draws more amperage than it did originally. 

    I live in an old house that probably has a 15-amp circuit. My house needs an upgrade that includes dedicated 20-amp kitchen lines. 

    Most electric kettles draw around 1500 watts. On a standard 120-volt circuit, that’s roughly 12 to 13 amps—nearly the entire capacity of a typical 15-amp circuit.

    In other words, when you turn on an electric kettle, you’re not adding a polite guest to the party. You’re inviting a heavyweight who immediately eats most of the food and demands the stereo.

    For years, my kitchen tolerated the kettle. Then, seemingly overnight, it didn’t. Nothing dramatic changed. No sparks, no smoke, no cinematic failure.

    What changed was margin.

    Circuits don’t fail like lightbulbs. They drift. A little more load here. A little more resistance there. Maybe the kettle’s heating element aged and became less efficient, drawing slightly more current. Maybe I added a device or two without noticing. Maybe the breaker itself became more sensitive after years of heat cycles.

    Individually, these are minor shifts. Together, they push the system past its limit.

    Before:

    The circuit was operating just under capacity.

    Now:

    The kettle pushed it just over.

    And breakers don’t negotiate. They enforce.

    At this point, a reasonable person might reach for a surge protector. That would be a mistake.

    Surge protectors guard against voltage spikes—lightning, grid fluctuations, the occasional electrical tantrum. They do not increase how much power a circuit can handle.

    Plugging a kettle into a surge protector is like giving a sumo wrestler a nicer chair. It doesn’t make him lighter.

    My solution, for now, is a stovetop kettle.

    It feels like a step backward, but it’s actually a step sideways. The load shifts away from a single electrical circuit and spreads out through the stove. No breaker trips. No negotiations with the grid. Just water, heat, and a whistle that doesn’t require a reset button.

    There’s even a strange side benefit: boiling water now takes a minute of attention. You wait. You listen. The process regains a small measure of dignity.

    This summer when my electrician friend visits from Dallas, I’ll upgrade the kitchen circuits. Modern kitchens are built for modern demands—multiple 20-amp lines, distributed loads, appliances that can coexist without staging a power struggle.

    In other words:

    I’m not fixing the kettle. I’m upgrading the system that failed to contain it.

    If your breaker trips when you use an electric kettle, the problem is probably not mysterious, and it’s probably not dangerous—assuming the breaker is doing its job.

    It’s arithmetic.

    • Electric kettle: ~1500 watts
    • Circuit capacity: limited
    • Other appliances: already drawing power

    Add them together, and something has to give.

    We like to think our homes are stable, predictable systems. But they’re more like negotiations—between demand and capacity, convenience and constraint.

    My kettle didn’t break my kitchen. It revealed it.

  • Purple Toothbrushes and Other Acts of Quiet Genius

    Purple Toothbrushes and Other Acts of Quiet Genius

    I have a student who makes the rest of the room recalibrate. Her essays arrive fully formed—sharp, unshowy, and quietly devastating—and in discussion she does what most people only pretend to do: she thinks out loud with precision. If airtime were currency, she’d hold a majority stake. And the remarkable part is that no one resents it. The other students lean in. They listen. At eighteen, she carries herself with a kind of early-onset professorial clarity, but without the usual symptoms—no grandstanding, no ornamental jargon, no whiff of performance. Just a mind doing its work in public.

    Yesterday she told the class she’s neurodivergent. It landed without ceremony. No one froze, no one fumbled for a response. She simply kept going, threading her way back into our discussion of cruelty as entertainment in The Biggest Loser, dissecting it with the same steady intelligence she brings to everything. The label didn’t explain her; it just named the angle of her vision.

    Later that day, I watched Sheng Wang: Purple on Netflix and had a familiar thought within five minutes: here is another mind that refuses to see the world the way the rest of us have agreed to see it. Sheng Wang doesn’t manufacture jokes so much as he exposes the wiring. He takes the banal—the humble toothbrush aisle—and turns it into a referendum on identity. Faced with a rainbow of options, he chooses purple, not because it cleans better, but because it confers a temporary aura of purpose, as if pigment could rescue a life drifting toward mediocrity. It’s ridiculous, which is why it’s true.

    Wang, born in Taiwan and raised in Houston, delivers all this with a soft Southern cadence that suggests a Baptist sermon delivered by a man who wandered in from a parallel universe. He glides across the stage in flowing purple clothes and white sneakers, looking like a kindly prophet of low-stakes revelation. The dissonance works. His demeanor—gentle, unhurried, almost disarmingly sincere—feels less like an act and more like a refusal to harden into one. You don’t watch him perform; you eavesdrop on how he thinks.

    That’s the throughline between my student and Wang. The best comedians aren’t joke machines; they’re cartographers of attention. They map the ordinary at strange angles and invite you to follow. Sometimes they surface thoughts you didn’t know you had—your private negotiations with a toothbrush color, your quiet horror as a friend’s child demolishes a bowl of expensive berries with the appetite of a small animal. Sometimes the thoughts are entirely their own, but the vantage point is so exact you recognize yourself anyway.

    A good comedian, like a good student, doesn’t just entertain or impress. He builds a small porch between minds. You sit there for a while, listening, and realize you’re not being dazzled—you’re being let in. That’s rarer, and far more valuable, than a punchline.

  • Why My G-Shock Saga Refuses to Become a YouTube Video

    Why My G-Shock Saga Refuses to Become a YouTube Video

    What follows is the essay that will serve as the basis for my YouTube video explaining why no such video can, in fact, be made from it.

    Six weeks ago, I received my G-Shock Frogman and promptly lost my mind. Not gradually. Not with dignified hesitation. I went down hard. The more I studied its lopsided, industrial architecture, the more I found myself staring at it the way one stares at brutalist buildings—confused at first, then strangely moved. Black resin, thick as a tire wall, sat on my wrist with the quiet confidence of a machine that does not care if you approve of it. No one told me industrial black resin could look so beautiful. 

    This startled me. I had long filed resin under “gym timer” and “Office Space despair”—the sort of material worn by men who have stopped expecting things from life. What kind of man sidelines a stable of expensive mechanical divers—curated, polished, lovingly rationalized—for a slab of molded polymer that costs a fraction of the least expensive piece in the box? The answer, apparently, is me. Something shifted. I can’t explain it. It may take years, or therapy, or both.

    Naturally, I doubled down.

    Intoxicated by the Frogman, I added the GW-7900 Rescue, a watch that costs about one-fifth as much and delivers five times the daily utility. It is padded, legible, and indifferent to my previous standards. Its numerals are large enough to read without squinting, which, at this stage of life, qualifies as a luxury feature. It became my daily wearer within a week, displacing watches that once required white gloves and a sense of occasion.

    Still unsatisfied, I escalated. The Mudman GW-9500 arrived next, with numerals that resemble municipal signage. If the Rescue was readable, the Mudman is unavoidable. Together, the three form what I have come to call—without irony—the Hero Triad.

    All three are Multiband-6 with Tough Solar, which means they spend their nights quietly consulting the atomic clock in Fort Collins and correcting themselves with a level of discipline I have never achieved in any area of my life. The Frogman and Mudman prefer to be placed carefully—on a desk, or hanging from my T-bar like well-behaved instruments. The Rescue, by contrast, syncs wherever it pleases. It has the personality of a straight-A student who does not need supervision.

    These three watches now consume over ninety percent of my wrist time. My mechanical divers sit in their box like retired generals, decorated but irrelevant. When I told my wife this, she paused and asked, “Wrist time? Who uses that term?”

    I do. We do. We count wrist time the way bodybuilders count macros—with vigilance, denial, and occasional self-deception. And lately, my wrist time has been taken over by G-Shock.

    I’ve written about this infatuation on my blog, but my YouTube audience has made something clear: words are no longer enough. We live in an age where ideas must be performed, not merely stated. If I want to be understood, I must produce a video.

    And yet, I cannot make this video.

    First, the landscape is saturated. There are already hundreds of G-Shock videos—reviews, tutorials, warnings about imminent discontinuations delivered with the urgency of a public safety alert. To add my voice would be to echo the chorus, and I have no desire to hear myself harmonizing with better singers.

    Second, I refuse to become an evangelist. I am not here to declare a holy war against Seiko, Tudor, or Omega. This is not a zero-sum game. I have not betrayed mechanical watches with a Judas Iscariot kiss and fled into the desert with a resin accomplice. I still believe in their beauty. I simply no longer rely on them for giving me accurate time. That distinction is subtle, and subtlety does not perform well on YouTube.

    Third, I lack a coherent explanation for my conversion. I cannot tell you whether this shift is driven by age, by proximity to retirement, or by a growing intolerance for approximation in a world already saturated with it. Perhaps I simply escaped Seikotraz—the self-imposed prison of mechanical devotion—and ran toward the first open door. Whatever the cause, I am not yet qualified to narrate it.

    Fourth, my story is not unique. Millions discovered G-Shock long before I arrived, breathless and late, to report that it works. To stand before an audience and announce this would reduce me to a background character—another man discovering electricity and insisting on a press conference.

    Fifth—and most damning—this narrative reads like a watch downgrade. The story people want is ascent: the climb, the conquest, the triumphant pose at the summit. I have done the opposite. I have descended, calmly, into black resin. I have traded filet mignon for a protein bar and now stand before you insisting it is not only sufficient, but superior. This is not a heroic arc. It is a dietary confession. And possibly a sign of a pathology. 

    So no, I cannot make this video. 

    My escape from Seikotraz may or may not be complete. What I can promise is this: when the next chapter reveals itself—and it will—I’ll report back, possibly with less confusion, but no guarantees. Aren’t you glad I didn’t make this video? 

  • Santa by Accident, Employee by Design

    Santa by Accident, Employee by Design

    Last night I dreamed that some friends and I staged an ad hoc production so slick it deserved syndication. I was invited to a holiday party—one of those corporate affairs where irony does the heavy lifting—and, on a whim, I put on the Santa suit for a toy company that merchandised its own cartoon characters. It was meant to be a joke–something to be forgotten along with the eggnog.

    Instead, someone filmed it.

    The footage went viral. What began as a throwaway bit turned into an annual television event with ratings that could humble prime time. Every December, there I was—jovial, booming, absurd—beamed into living rooms as if I had been engineered for it. Checks arrived with the regularity of a season: generous, unearned, almost accusatory. 

    To capitalize on the accident, the company staged yearly reunions—cast gatherings dressed up as nostalgia, broadcast to a nation that now insisted we mattered. More ratings. More money. More of me, whether I intended it or not.

    At first, I drifted into these reunions like a tourist in my own life—late, amused, faintly embarrassed. Then the terms clarified. I wasn’t a guest. I was talent. I wasn’t attending; I was reporting for duty. Somewhere in the fine print of success, I had become an employee of an entity I never remembered joining. The arrangement produced a tidy moral shrug: the checks fed my family, so what right did I have to object? Freedom had quietly converted itself into obligation, and the conversion rate was excellent.

    There was, however, a fracture line running through the whole enterprise. By sheer accident, I had chosen Santa—the apex role, the gravitational center. My friends had chosen elves: diligent, decorative, forgettable. Hierarchy, once introduced, does its work without permission. One friend stopped speaking to me altogether. When he finally did, it was not to reconcile but to issue a verdict. I was too thick to see what had happened to him, he said. Years of playing the lesser figure had hollowed him out. The easy talker was gone; in his place stood a sullen, rationed version of a man. We were no longer friends. I was no longer welcome to pretend otherwise.

    Others were kinder, even grateful. They insisted my Santa had ignited the whole spectacle—that without it, there would have been no show, no checks, no ritual of reunion. They thanked me as if I had designed the machine rather than stumbled into its engine.

    But gratitude doesn’t cancel damage; it merely coexists with it. The money was real. The applause was real. So was the loss. Watching a friend calcify into bitterness has a way of stripping glamour down to its wiring. Fame, even the accidental kind, doesn’t just elevate. It arranges people. It assigns altitude. And someone, inevitably, is left breathing thinner air.

  • The Price of Your Work Exit

    The Price of Your Work Exit

    Retirement was supposed to feel like a gentle descent. Instead, it arrives with an invoice. For years, your college played the role of benevolent patron: five hundred dollars a month to insure a family of four at Kaiser Permanente, with a co-pay so small it felt almost ceremonial. Now the curtain lifts. Your wife’s middle school, thrifty to the point of cruelty, hands you the real number—nearly triple. At the same time, your paycheck shrinks to about eighty-five percent of its former self. The vise tightens from both ends: less coming in, far more going out. Retirement, it turns out, is not an exit but a recalibration of anxiety.

    On a Saturday morning, under the fluorescent calm of Trader Joe’s, you confess this arithmetic of dread to the cashier who has watched you age in weekly installments for two decades. He listens, nods, and then offers a solution with the confidence of a man suggesting a new brand of hummus: get a part-time job here. Be a cashier. Let the paycheck subsidize your health insurance. You have the build, the stamina, the conversational ease. In his telling, the transition is almost heroic—a late-life pivot, sleeves rolled, dignity intact.

    But you can already see the other version. You, sixty-five, standing in a Hawaiian shirt that once signaled leisure and now reads as camouflage, being told in a quarterly review that your tone lacks “warmth.” That you cleared the line too efficiently, failed to linger, failed to affirm. That your sarcasm—once a badge of intellect—needs to be diluted into something safer, sweeter, more compliant. You imagine the language of correction: more honey, less acid. You imagine nodding while someone half your age explains emotional calibration. The phrase writes itself in your head: a Late-Life Vocational Humility Crisis—the moment when accumulated status collides with the small, bright humiliations of starting over at the bottom, where friendliness is a metric and personality is a deliverable.

    You float the idea at home. Your wife laughs—not cruelly, but decisively. The verdict is clear: you are not built for this theater. The fantasy collapses on contact with reality. It was never a plan, only a flattering daydream in which you played the rugged provider, stacking pinto beans beside water-packed albacore, funding your family’s security with cheerful competence.

    So you stand in front of the mirror and deliver the final ruling: Trader Joe’s is a no-go. The new discipline will be quieter, less cinematic. No convertibles. No Swiss watch indulgences. No Cabo timeshare fantasies dressed up as investments. Just a narrower life, lived within its means, spared the indignity of proving—too late—that you can still take orders and smile about it.

  • The Man Who Refused to Retire and Learned to Fly at Costco

    The Man Who Refused to Retire and Learned to Fly at Costco

    You will be sixty-five in less than a year—fifteen months from your last day of work—and you would be wise to bury the word “retirement” before it buries you. It is a feeble, anemic term, a linguistic sedative that disguises the collapse of identity as leisure. Nothing about what lies ahead deserves that kind of small thinking.

    What you are approaching requires a name with altitude, velocity, and a touch of myth.

    You are entering the Sovereign Phase.

    In the Sovereign Phase, you do not keep a schedule—you issue one. You do not await approval—you render decisions. This is not an ending ceremonially dressed in khakis and early dinners; it is a coronation. You are not stepping away. You are stepping above.

    Your final act has begun, and it demands a certain boldness. The first order of business is symbolic but essential: you will upgrade your Costco membership to Executive. No committees. No approvals. No memos. You will simply decide—and it will be done.

    And then, one morning, before the doors officially open to the masses, you will enter.

    The aisles are empty. The pallets stand fresh and untouched. The air itself feels newly issued. You move through this cathedral of abundance with first access, first choice, first claim. Something happens to you here—something disproportionate to the act itself. A quiet but unmistakable inflation of the self. A sense that you have not merely arrived early, but ascended.

    You feel it in your chest first, then in your stride. The strange conviction that you are no longer bound by ordinary constraints. That you have, somehow, earned this.

    You have entered Executive Aisle Rapture.

    It is a near-mystical condition in which logistical privilege is mistaken for existential elevation, where empty aisles and shrink-wrapped towers of goods produce a sensation that borders on the divine. You begin to suspect that wings—actual wings—may be forming beneath your shirt, preparing you for a short, ill-advised flight toward the sun.

    This is not a side effect of the Sovereign Phase. It is a requirement.

    So when your last day of work arrives, do not mark it with melancholy or relief. Mark it with a transaction. Upgrade the membership. Secure your access. Step into the early light of the warehouse.

    And when the doors part and the aisles open before you, walk forward without hesitation.

    You are no longer a worker.

    You are sovereign.

  • The Tape Tyrant of Postmaster Plus

    The Tape Tyrant of Postmaster Plus

    I went to Postmaster Plus this morning to ship a defective camera back to Kodak—a routine errand, the kind you knock out between coffee and whatever comes next. I’ve been going there for years. The place is run by a family from Bombay, and over the last decade they’ve shipped more of my watches than I care to admit. It’s a familiar, efficient operation. Or at least, it usually is.

    When I walked in, the rhythm was off.

    At the counter stood a couple in their mid-sixties, locked in some elaborate transaction with M, the family patriarch, a man in his seventies who has the calm of someone who has seen everything and survived it. Behind the couple stood a woman clutching a stack of flattened cardboard, her face arranged in a quiet expression of despair. She looked at me as if to say, You’re seeing this too, right?

    I was.

    The woman at the counter—a redhead with severe bifocals and a face that seemed permanently braced against disappointment—had taken possession of M’s tape roller and was using it with the zeal of someone preparing artifacts for burial. Her husband hovered nearby, a classic Palm Springs Q-Tip: white hair under a baseball cap, mouth slightly open, limbs thin as dowels, torso betraying a fondness for buffets. He contributed nothing except presence.

    “I’ve seen these packages break before,” the redhead announced, as she wrapped the parcels in what could only be described as a second skin of tape. Not a practical layer—no, this was ceremonial. A kind of adhesive exorcism. When the tape ran out, she didn’t pause, didn’t apologize. She demanded another roll with the urgency of a field commander low on ammunition.

    The woman behind them caught my eye again. This time the look was unmistakable: We are both trapped here. I returned the glance with equal solemnity. Yes, we were sharing this moment. No, there was no escape.

    Then came the breaking point. The cardboard woman asked M when his son W would return from break.

    “Twenty minutes or so,” M replied.

    She nodded, made a decision, and fled. A wise woman. She chose freedom.

    I stayed.

    The redhead, now fully committed to her role as High Priestess of Packaging Integrity, began lecturing the room about the fragility of parcels and the absolute necessity of excessive tape. She spoke as if we were all negligent amateurs, one poorly wrapped box away from societal collapse.

    I opted out.

    I pulled out my phone, photographed my Casio G-Shock GW-7900, and posted it to Instagram. If I was going to be held hostage, I might as well document something worthwhile.

    Eventually—mercifully—the couple completed their transaction. Eighty dollars later, their packages were no longer parcels but laminated relics, ready to withstand not just shipping, but geological time. I stepped forward, paid for my own shipment, and shared a brief, knowing laugh with M about the spectacle we had just endured.

    We thought it was over.

    It wasn’t.

    The door opened. The couple returned.

    The redhead, unsatisfied with her previous efforts, declared that a third layer of tape was necessary for her “peace of mind.” At this point, the packages were less shipments and more mummies awaiting a sarcophagus.

    I gave M a look—the kind of look that conveys sympathy, disbelief, and resignation all at once. He nodded, the stoic veteran of countless such encounters.

    I left.

    As I walked out, I knew two things. First, those packages would survive anything short of a volcanic eruption. Second, I had just acquired a story—one that would be waiting patiently for me to tell my wife the moment I got home.

  • Escape from Seikotraz: Starring Jeff McMahon

    Escape from Seikotraz: Starring Jeff McMahon

    This morning I woke up with a small, undeserved victory. My second shingles shot had not flattened me into a feverish heap of aches and regret. No vaccine hangover. No sack-of-muscle soreness. Just a functioning body and a clear head. I glanced down at my Casio G-Shock GW-7900 before swinging my legs out of bed, and as I reached for the coffee ritual, a thought crept in—quiet at first, then strangely intoxicating:

    What if I owned only G-Shocks?

    What if I were free of my Seiko divers?

    Free from what, exactly? That part remains stubbornly undefined.

    Three years ago, the fracture began. I developed an aversion to bracelets—not a mild preference, but a full-blown irritation, as if every metal link were conspiring against my wrist. I moved my Seiko divers onto straps, experimenting like a man searching for ergonomic salvation, until I discovered Divecore FKM. Suddenly, everything clicked. The watches felt right—balanced, secure, almost inevitable. For a brief moment, I thought I had solved the problem.

    Then came the contamination.

    August 2025. A message. A study. PFAS—“forever chemicals”—lurking in FKM. The phrase alone sounded like a villain in a low-budget sci-fi film. Dutifully, almost piously, I removed the straps. The watches went back onto inferior substitutes, and with that small act, something essential drained out of them. They were no longer “just right.” They were tolerable.

    Divecore, to their credit, pivoted—hydrogenated rubber, safer materials, a new Waffle strap on the way. I’m waiting for it now, like a man waiting for a repaired marriage.

    But in that interim, I did something careless. Or revealing.

    On a lark, I bought a Casio G-Shock Frogman GWF-1000.

    And I didn’t just like it. I fell for it immediately.

    Its design wasn’t elegant—it was aggressively industrial, almost defiant. Its timekeeping wasn’t approximate—it was absolute. Atomic. Unquestionable. It didn’t ask for attention; it delivered certainty. One watch became three. The Rescue. The incoming Casio G-Shock GW-9500 Mudman. A quiet shift became a migration.

    This morning, still basking in my vaccine survival, I entertained a more radical thought: eliminate the Seikos entirely. Replace them with two final pieces—the sapphire Frogman D1000 and the GW-5000U Square, my so-called “dress watch,” a term that feels almost satirical in this context.

    At what point does a preference become a slide?

    Was it the PFAS scare that loosened the foundation? Or something deeper? Do the Seiko divers now carry the residue of an older obsession—one tied to acquisition, to the promise that the next watch would finally complete the picture? And if so, what exactly is this new G-Shock phase? Liberation? Or simply addiction in a more utilitarian costume?

    There are a few things I can say with certainty. I prefer atomic time to mechanical approximation. I prefer digital clarity to analog interpretation. Yes, the digital display demands a slight tilt of the wrist, a negotiation with the light, but I’ve made peace with that. It’s a small concession in exchange for precision.

    Maybe there is no grand psychological drama here. Maybe I’ve grown lazy in the most practical sense. I like convenience. I like certainty. I like not having to set the time like a monk tending to a ceremonial clock. Perhaps this is not a crisis of identity but a simple shift toward ease.

    But then I hear from others.

    Men who made this transition years ago. Men who, after watching my videos, bought a G-Shock out of curiosity and quietly abandoned their mechanical collections. No fanfare. No farewell. Just a gradual, almost polite disappearance.

    It suggests something larger. A quiet exodus.

    You could make a documentary about it: aging watch obsessives laying down their expensive mechanical relics and walking into the sunset wearing Squares and Mudmans, relieved, unburdened, and slightly confused about how it happened.

    Meanwhile, my own collection sits in a kind of purgatory. The Seiko divers wait, their fate undecided. Two have already been sold—the Captain Willard Ice Diver and the 62MAS—and their absence has not registered as loss. That’s the unsettling part. Watches that once felt essential have vanished without leaving a dent.

    And here I was, thinking of myself as a careful curator, a man assembling a coherent, meaningful collection.

    The truth is less flattering.

    My hobby is governed not by principle, but by impulse. By shifting preferences, passing anxieties, and the occasional well-timed scare about “forever chemicals.” I would prefer to believe in a deeper logic, a narrative of refinement and evolution.

    But honesty requires a different conclusion.

    I am not curating.

    I am drifting.

    I look into the mirror. “Oh my God,” I scream. “I am a capricious watch collector.”

    Meanwhile, my YouTube subscribers are making cogent remarks in the comment section. A gentleman who goes by the name of MDchaz recently wrote: “Coming to a theater near you “Escape from Seikotraz” starring Jeff McMahon.” I wrote back, “I’ll have to steal your idea for my next YouTube video.”

    And this blog post. 

  • Watch Straps, Paradise, and the Return of Mother

    Watch Straps, Paradise, and the Return of Mother

    Last night I found myself standing on a hill in Hawaii, the kind of place real estate agents describe as “transcendent” and charge accordingly. Below me, the ocean moved with rehearsed elegance—waves rolling in like they had been coached for the occasion. A tech billionaire, naturally, had invited my family and me to his New Year’s Eve party. In dreams, invitations arrive without explanation and are accepted without skepticism.

    Inside his mansion was a room devoted entirely to appetizers—a cathedral of small bites. I approached it with the zeal of a man who believes abundance is a moral right. Everything was sampled, nothing spared. Then I came upon a glass bowl filled with what appeared to be black licorice. I took a bite and immediately discovered I had made a categorical error. It wasn’t licorice. It was a bowl of rubber watch straps. I had, with full dental commitment, chewed into one of them like a lab animal testing the limits of its environment.

    The billionaire did not react. He stood in the next room, calmly painting a model holding yoga poses—his attention fixed, his world undisturbed. Either he hadn’t noticed, or he lived in a realm where a man biting into a watch strap barely registers as an event.

    Then my mother appeared.

    She has been gone for six years, but in the dream she returned without ceremony, as if death were a clerical error that had been quietly corrected. I greeted her with genuine joy and surprising composure, as though we had simply missed a few phone calls. She told me she was going for a swim. I said I’d join her later, the way one postpones something assumed to be indefinitely available.

    Time, as it does in dreams, rearranged itself. Someone came running to say she had cut her finger on coral. A doctor—there is always a doctor at these gatherings—offered to come with me, iodine and bandages in hand. But as we descended toward the water, word arrived that she had already been treated and had left for California.

    Meanwhile, I had waded into the ocean. The water was warm, enveloping, almost indulgent in its softness. It reached my chest and held me there, like something that preferred I not leave. Faced with the choice between urgency and comfort, I chose comfort. I stayed in the water. My mother, once again, slipped out of reach.

    What kind of dream arranges such a sequence? A billionaire’s excess, a son’s carelessness, a mother’s brief return and second departure. If I had to impose meaning, I’d say the ocean felt less like scenery and more like origin—a return to something pre-verbal, pre-ambition, pre-everything. Call it the womb, call it nature, call it a memory the body keeps when the mind forgets.

    But I hesitate to turn it into a sermon about mortality. Not every dream in one’s sixties needs to carry a funeral program in its back pocket. Perhaps it was about regeneration. Or the persistent illusion that what we lose might reappear long enough to test how we respond.

    I hope my dream was not some portent of mortality. But whatever the case, I’m glad the tech billionaire didn’t send security after me for leaving bite marks in one of his rubber watch straps. 

  • The Acrobats I Misjudged

    The Acrobats I Misjudged

    Sometime around 2018, I’d make the daily trek from the tennis courts to my office and pass the library lawn—a patch of campus that should have offered a quiet, pastoral glide into the workday. Instead, it hosted a recurring spectacle: half a dozen young men staging what can only be described as a low-budget Cirque du Campus. Shirtless or half-shirted, draped in genie pants or frayed denim cut-offs, they performed for an audience that did not exist. Their language was pure motion—flips that flirted with kung fu, kicks that negotiated with gravity, juggling routines that collapsed into chaos, and the occasional hacky sack circle, that ancient ritual of collegiate aimlessness.

    They were hungry—visibly, almost heroically so—for attention. Unfortunately, they possessed more appetite than assets. The enthusiasm was volcanic; the talent, less so. Their charm came in bursts, like a faulty engine. I found them unbearable. My morning walk, once a minor pastoral pleasure, was now hijacked by these blustering soltimbancos—performers without a stage, noise without necessity. I dismissed them with the easy confidence of a man certain he had outgrown foolishness.

    Today, I walked past that same lawn. Empty. Sunlit. Silent. The performance had ended without ceremony, as all such performances do. And I caught myself wondering—not with irritation, but with a strange, reluctant tenderness—what became of those boys.

    Because here is the inconvenient truth: youth is not a time for dignity. It is a sanctioned season of excess—of overreach, bad judgment, inflated self-regard, and public experiments in identity that collapse under their own absurdity. We try on personas the way they tried on those ridiculous pants: boldly, badly, and without permission. We embarrass ourselves in broad daylight and only later, with the benefit of distance, call it “growth.”

    So what changed? Not them. Me.

    Time performs a quiet surgery on the ego. It dulls the impulse to sneer and replaces it with something more complicated—recognition, perhaps, or even a flicker of respect. Those young men were not interrupting my peace; they were spending a currency I no longer possessed: the freedom to look ridiculous without apology.

    And so, to those lawn acrobats—wherever you’ve landed, whatever respectable disguises you now wear—I offer this: I hope life has been kind to you. I hope you found your footing, literal and otherwise.

    But for the sake of civilization, I must insist on one thing.

    Put a shirt on.